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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Would a rainbow badge make you feel worse or better ?

17 replies

Yoshei · 30/08/2018 21:03

Hi all,

I have a -kind of- strange question, but maybe I best start with this: Since my first miscarriage, having to see pregnant bellies makes me go loco. I have to remind myself that it's unrelated (my lost pregnancies & their succesful pregnancy). I think - hope - that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

So for my question: Ever since my first miscarriage, I've been hoping to get pregnant again (like most of us). I have had this idea in my mind that I'd like to wear a rainbow badge on my belly if I ever manage to reach the point where my belly screams 'pregnant'. I talked about it with my husband and he said I was crazy, people would think it is just weird (and have no added value).
I myself thought it may be helpfull for others like us - like wouldn't it sting less to see a pregnant belly if you knew the lady went through the same you are going through but eventually did get pregant? Also I think it may help break the taboo (even if it's just a little bit).

Would any of you feel insulted to see a rainbow badge on another pregnant belly? Or have any other kind of objection?

OP posts:

Kezebel · 30/08/2018 21:19

so sorry for your loss.

I understand where you are coming from. For me, it's one thing to refer to your baby as your rainbow baby, but, the labelling the bump with an actual pin/badge I feel is a step too far.

Seeing a woman with a healthy baby bump and a rainbow badge wouldn't have made me feel more positive (and perhaps, on a bad day, think 'ugh attention seeking/gloating?!...') and, a bump doesn't mean something won't go wrong, as harsh and cynical as that sounds. I would feel it would be tempting fate. Not until my baby was safely in my arms did I/would I stop worrying.

Many people, including those who have had losses, wouldn't necessarily know what the badge symbolises, and so may ask why you're wearing a rainbow badge...which might make for an uncomfortable and perhaps painful conversation with a stranger?

Obblegobble · 31/08/2018 09:27

They sell t-shirts with rainbows on.

Personally I wouldn't be insulted and it wouldn't make it any different for me seeing someone wear a rainbow badge.

Myself i wouldn't wear one, I had a misccariage and was carrying my 'rainbow baby' who I then lost at 20 weeks so if there's a next time I'm going to so scared and like PP said I would feel like it would be tempting fate.

MrsMolehillMountain · 31/08/2018 12:08

So sorry for your loss OP
It's lovely that you want to do something to raise awareness and make others feel better.
However, if I saw a rainbow badge on a bump, I'd assume that it was that baby that had been miscarried and not a previous one.
I also think it could make other pregnant women/women ttc feel uncomfortable and people may not know what to say to you.
However it's of course your choice!

InDreamland · 31/08/2018 16:56

So sorry for your loss OP. A mc is such a horrific thing to go through. I do understand what you're saying but for me personally I'd never wear one because I'd feel like I'd be jinxing it and then knowing my luck I'd mc that baby too. As well as that I just wouldn't want to announce to complete strangers that I'd had a mc before if they even knew what a rainbow was for. Also, having recently had a mc, if I saw someone wearing one it doesn't take away my grief. I'm still grieving for my lost baby, the issue I have with seeing pregnant women is it's a reminder of my loss. Seeing a rainbow badge would make no difference to how I cope.

OnTopOfSpaghetti · 31/08/2018 17:27

Sorry OP but I think its a bit odd. And I say that as someone who had a late miscarriage at 20weeks and found it very very hard to be around pregnant women and babies. A bump is a bump, doesn't make a difference if it has a badge pinned on it, just my opinion.

Original poster

Yoshei · 01/09/2018 21:20

Hello all, thanks for all of your replies. I guess it's a bad idea after all.

I guess I may be the only one who feels (a lot) less jealous and distressed when knowing that that obviously pregnant women had her own issues to deal with (be it fertility of miscarriages). I even go as far as ask if they consiously choose the age difference if I get the chance.

About the 'challenging fate part', I don't agree though. As long as my baby would be alive, the sun would shine, even if a storm is just around the corner and I cannot carry the baby full term. Life is never guaranteed, not at any stage or age after birth, so we should enjoy what we have when we have it.

OP posts:

OnTopOfSpaghetti · 01/09/2018 21:58

I hope you get your rainbow baby soon OP

salopek · 01/09/2018 22:17

I really don't want to come across as crass or insensitive as you are hurting from your mc but yes I'd be offended if I saw a rainbow badge on your pregnant belly because you had an mc.

I've had a late loss and I have SANDS stickers on my maternity notes. But that's as far as I go in "promoting" my loss.

I've also had a regular mc at 9 weeks which was sad, but miscarriages are fairly common.

But hey, we all grieve differently so if a rainbow badge helps get you through then good for you! But I'd assume you had a late loss and not a 1st trimester miscarriage.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/09/2018 00:12

I wouldn't feel offended by it, but I would find it weird and possibly a bit discomforting. I thought most women who have had children and plenty who haven't have had miscarriages haven't they? I don't really see how it gets rid of the stigma, it seems more to emphasize your good fortune over those who haven't yet succeeded. However, I did not cope with my miscarriages by thinking of them as rainbow babies and I can't really empathize with that mindset (though I accept it really helps some), so I'm probably missing the comfort others might get from this.

Aria2015 · 02/09/2018 00:25

I had two miscarriages before my lo and so I really do know your pain. I personally wouldn't have worn one because I had so much anxiety while pregnant after my losses that wearing a rainbow badge would have felt like tempting fate. I didn't really believe I had (or was having) a rainbow baby until my lo was safely in my arms. I do get what you mean about it bringing hope to others but I got that hope by being open with people and other people telling me their positive stories or the positive stories of people they knew. Good luck with your journey, I hope you get your rainbow soon.

UghNoWay · 02/09/2018 09:30

Sorry about your miscarriage 💐

I really dislike the term rainbow baby. I've had a miscarriage and four healthy pregnancies and never felt I was having a 'rainbow' baby. I find it an unsettling term, it's as though there is too much responsibility being put in the 'rainbow' baby and I find it a little morbid somehow. I'm not claiming these thoughts are rational but it's how I see it. I wouldn't have ANY Problem with someone else doing whatever it is that suits them and helps them with their grief though - so if you want to wear a badge then wear a badge!

I didn't realise how upset/jealous some people who have had miscarriages get when they see people who are pregnant or have babies. MN has been a useful eye opener in that respect. I think if I had felt like that I would consider some grief counselling.

CountessVonBoobs · 02/09/2018 19:02

I even go as far as ask if they consiously choose the age difference if I get the chance.

I get that you are trying to process your own loss, but I'm sorry, it's not on to put other women on the spot like that. It's their struggle or grief to share or not as they choose.

A very large number of the pregnant women you see will have had a struggle or a loss of some kind, especially if they are over 30 or so. I think it's best just to bear that in mind generally rather than wanting people to broadcast their griefs.

BestZebbie · 02/09/2018 20:10

I'm aware of 'rainbow baby' but for me the rainbow is a much stronger symbol of gay pride - so a rainbow badge obviously connected to your bump (not just a colourful t-shirt etc) would make me think that you were either having a baby with another woman or carrying a child for two fathers.

Original poster

Yoshei · 02/09/2018 21:20

I don't think there is much point in keeping this thread alive. It is clear to me already that it is either not appreciated by some women, or not perceived as having added value. Is there a way to close this thread please?

@Salopek & @CountessVonBoobs : why did you even bother to reply? I just wanted to help others. Your responses hurt.

@Salopek I don't appreciate the way you judge how I should feel about my miscarriages based on the length I was pregnant. I was very attached to the babies, independent of the length (which was very variable). You could have in fact brought across your point less cross and insensitive. In fact your first sentence alone sufficed and would have been appreciated.

@CountessVonBoobs You make it sound like I'm some sort of monster. I don't force them to tell me anything they don't want to. I don't press if I feel they don't feel comfortable with it - I make it clear that they don't have to answer. Most women are actually glad they - finally - meet someone who is willing to talk about it. It is based on these experiences I used to think [before this thread] the rainbow badge might be a good - hypothetical - idea. On which you - by the way - didn't even bother to respond.

OP posts:

salopek · 02/09/2018 21:53

@Yoshei I bothered replying because you asked a question on a public forum with reference to something I have personally experienced.

I was also attached to my babies. Especially the one that I laboured and gave birth to, the one who has a birth and death certificate and lives in a grave.

I was also attached to my earlier miscarriage who I paid many thousands of pounds of IVF for. But you don't see all of that grief because I have a beautiful DC and am pregnant again with another.

You asked for an opinion about a rainbow badge re pregnancy loss, and I gave mine.

Tetri · 02/09/2018 22:07

I see the idea behind it OP, but it's probably not really necessary, as in general you can just assume that a lot of pregnant women (particularly in their 30s) may not have had an easy road getting there.

Mistymeow · 06/09/2018 12:06

I wear a baby and pregnancy loss pin badge on my jacket which I purchased from the miscarriage association website. Perhaps this might be an alternative? I wear mine to remember my little one, as I have nothing else, and it brings me comfort (as well as supporting the charity and it may help anyone who recognises the badge to know they are not alone).

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