Can't believe I'm finding myself here again :(

[FuckMyUterus]

Can someone, anyone please give me an idea of what to expect at a termination at around 18-20 weeks please? I don't care if it's clinical/graphic, I'd just like to know what's going to happen to me and my baby.

@FuckMyUterus, I'm so sorry you find yourself here! Recognise you I think from the Due January thread. Sorry I can't give any advice but just wanted to send you some hugs

indreamland yes, I recognise you from there too, how are you holding up?
I had a scan today (16+6) which showed the baby has numerous abnormalities and wouldn't survive long after birth :(

I noticed you on the insomnia thread because we are exactly the same gestation. I'm so very very sorry. There are no words really.

Thank you... I don't think it's properly sunk in yet, so trying to get my head around the practical stuff before it does.

Oh goodness I'm so sorry. No words can help make this better. I think we we're both having some spotting the same weekend. I'm better than I was 5-6 weeks ago but still not great emotionally. Am getting counselling now. I've found it helpful to come here and write down my feelings and the ladies here are so supportive. My thread is a few below this one at the moment - quite a lot of posts on it.

I really feel for you - must have been such a heartbreaking shock. It will take a while to sink in. Even some times now I still can't believe that my baby is gone.

I hope you have support around you x

It wasn't too much of a shock, there were a number of things that pointed towards baby not being so healthy, so I think I knew deep down what the outcome was going to be.
I feel in limbo, my baby is moving inside of me, which I can feel so strongly, despite having an anterior placenta, I can listen to their heartbeat through my at home doppler, and its beating so strongly at around 150-160bpm. It's fighting to stay alive, and it has no idea that it's days of life are numbered.
I have rang my obstetric consultant who refuses to allow me a termination before rescanning me in 2 weeks, by which time I will be 19 weeks pregnant. It sounds awful but I long for the physical 'ease' of an earlier miscarriage as I'm going to have to go through labour and give birth to my poor baby, who has fought so hard despite the odds against it.
The only saving grace is that I will get to meet (and hold) him or her and tell them how sorry I am, and how much they were loved and wanted.
I'm so angry at my body, I've had spotting and bleeding so often during this pregnancy, why has it kept my baby alive to suffer like this? It has killed and expelled 3 other healthy babies at much earlier gestations than this, why couldn't it have done this baby the same kindness when she/he is so poorly??

I'm sorry if that is disrespectful and upsetting to anyone who has suffered a miscarriage earlier, it wasn't meant to be hurtful. I'm just so angry, and wish I could do my baby one last kindness of ending it now.

I don't find your post disrespectful. Tou have every right to feel the way you do and it's natural. Yes it is upsetting but only in the sense that it's just really sad that anyone has to go through this, any loss, no matter how early or late is gut wrenching and heartbreaking. I get what you're saying though. Just keep telling your baby how much you love and want them - I still tell mine how much I love them even though they're gone but in spirit they are still with me and in my heart. I wish I could say something that could help but I really can't think of anything that will, I'm so so sorry.

Thank you, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up not pregnant anymore. I am genuinely toying with the idea of a surgical termination, the only thing stopping me is that I won't get a memory box of stuff if I do it that way.

Oh goodness, I really wish I could make this all go away life is cruel and you and none of us deserve to be going through any loss of a baby. Sending you lots of hugs

I so so sorry
You will need practical things. Speak to clinic and any further scans ask to be taken quickly into scan room. Not left in general waiting area
There are really good support networks. I used ARC which I highly recommend
When you are being admitted bring a magazine. You won't read it but a flick through will be a form of distraction. I was in hospital a full day so it wasn't quick. The pain was unbearable ( in lots of ways) so take all the meds they offer you
And be kind to yourself.

Take care

I am so so sorry. There is nothing that I can say that will make this ok.
I lost my baby at 27 weeks and gave birth to her 2 days later. So in a practical sense although yours will be a bit smaller I imagine a very similar experience.
Key thing - listen to your instincts. If your instincts are telling you that you want to labour and have the memory box etc then do that. I completely understand your impulse to just sort it out, I sat with my baby inside me for 2 days knowing she was already gone and it was incredibly awful.
Anyway for the hospital, take an iPad loaded up with some seriously shit telly that you don't have to watch really but I found it helpful for getting through early contractions. Radio for labour and delivery as the silence is overwhelming and awful. Talk to DH about whether you want to see baby straight away. I couldn't as I was afraid of her which was just my honest feelings at the time, however this is now the thing I would change if I could. I ended up with a PPH so didn't see her until the next morning. Spend as long with baby as you want, we were with ours for two days and she slept in the room with us for the night in her cold cot.
Look into ARC and SANDS and any of the local baby loss charities around you that do memory boxes/ memory bears etc.
If you want pictures (which you might not and that's ok) have a look at remembermybaby. Our hospital photographer took loads of pictures for us in a similar style to this and we have loads of her little hands and feet and ears and other lovely tiny little features.
But remember nothing you feel is wrong and this is very much the shittest thing you will ever have to go through, so try to listen to your own voice in this and not just go with what people expect of you. This includes medical professionals, I really don't know how helpful your consultant is being by being insistent on you waiting. I would maybe look to get another opinion or seek another review with him.
Anyway please let me know if you have any questions. If you do go for labour option take all the drugs. It's bad enough without physical pain on top of it all.

fabulous I'm being scanned by fetal medicine unit anyway so away from normal ultrasound area.
miami I'm sorry, I think we were on the same pregnancy thread at some point, apologies if I have that wrong.
Are all the same pain relief options available as with a normal birth? I know it sounds incredibly wussy but if I'm honest I'd rather go with an epidural and not have to feel anything :/
If I go for the labour option that is. Now that I've had a day or so to think about it, I'm kind of glad I'll be pregnant for another couple of weeksish as I feel it gives me time with my baby, although I still feel very conflicted about how much he or she is suffering. I also have a number of questions that I don't really want to ask anyone medical (I know that makes no sense). So of anyone can answer the following:

Do I still need to be injecting my Clexane?

Should I still be taking my pre natal vitamins?

If I have a surgical termination, will they still be able to tell me my baby's sex? They can't see on scans because baby is so squished and it's important to me to know.

@FuckMyUterus I am sure we were on the same thread at some stage. I am so very sorry that this is your reality.
All pain relief is available. I had morphine but didn't go for the epidural in the end. But the epidural is one you can just say you definitely want and they will sort it for you. They are totally on your side and will do anything within their power to make you comfortable.
I'm not sure about the clexane as I wasn't on that, although I was on aspirin and was told not to take that but I only had a two day wait. And also dd had already passed at that stage.
I wonder if they could do you a harmony (or similar) blood test now to let you know if it's a boy or girl. Also once you have delivered they surely will be able to confirm with a blood test if no other options are available.
I don't know anything about surgical option I am afraid as that wasn't available to me.

We found out the sex and that was at 13 weeks. I can't remember if that was from all the tests or at delivery
Massive hugs

How are you @FuckMyUterus?

I'm not too bad at the moment thank you just not sleeping very well. How are you feeling?

Glad you're not too bad at the moment. Unsurprising that you're not sleeping very well, it's a horrid thing you're going through.

I'm not great, 6 weeks today from when I had the mc and just still so so so sad, angry, bitter, jealous and feeling robbed and cheated. Plus everything else on top. I have more counselling on Thursday so will talk about everything ......again.

How are you @FuckMyUterus? Hope you're coping as well as can be at this really shitty time

Thinking about you, I am so so sorry you are going through this xx

I'm not too bad, my bump has almost completely disappeared and I've lost my mucous plug, so I doubt very much if I'm gonna make it to the rescan next week. I also can't seem to find baby's heartbeat with my doppler anymore, so I think he or she may have passed already. Just really sad :(

I have no suitable words.

I send u hugs & strength ten fold.

I'm so so sorry

Oh @FuckMyUterus I'm so so so sorry. This is just too sad. Sending you lots of love and hugs! You take all the time you need to process this and heal, what you're going through is something no mother should have to experience. I hope you have lots of good support around you

OP my heart really does goes out to you.

I lost my baby at 22 weeks a few months ago.

I was allowed morphine during the labour. The cramping was bearable. My midwife didn't even think I was properly labouring. I'm not sure if it was because of how far along I was.

It's heartbreaking. And strange. I'll be honest, it seemed like my son was sleeping. My friend who supported me a lot whilst at hospital even came in to meet him and hold him. We all cried. Drank tea. Chatted. Even had a few giggles. Obviously I knew he wasn't alive. It was very strange. And it wasn't until I left that it felt real. I could have stayed another night but I chose not to. Perhaps you'll have the same option.

The midwife presented me with a memory box which had some lovely items inside. And I was given lots of leaflets too. I felt very supported. She also helped us take some photos.

I knew I was having a boy but they should absolutely be able to tell you your baby's gender.

And lastly, I know you feel that your baby may have passed, but if not there is a chance that your baby may be born alive. Like my son. He was so peaceful. He lay against my skin and also had a blanket around him. He passed away shortly after. I'm not sure of the exact moment. He was so very peaceful. I thought I'd share as this was something I asked and tried to prepare myself for.

Any questions just ask. There's lots of us here for you