There are some things that are really helping me cope with my miscarriage/infertility. I thought I would share them here, in the hope that it might be of some small help to others who are in similar circumstances. I know that what works for one person might not necessarily work for another person, and I wouldn’t dare to try and tell anyone on this forum what she should be doing, or how she should be feeling. But sometimes I find it does help to have a glimpse of a slightly different perspective, if you find yourself stuck in a particularly negative mindset. So here are my top six tips - Feel free to add your own!
- Knowing that I don’t have to make any big decisions about my future right now. I’m setting aside the compulsion to ask ‘what am I supposed to do with my life now?’ and instead am just focusing on getting through the next few weeks, being as kind and gentle with myself as possible. What might I like to do in the next couple of weeks? There’s a new garden centre that’s opened up down the road, I’d quite like to check that out....Maybe a spa day with mum at the weekend ....Tonight, a lovely deep bubble bath and a glass of expensive wine, then curl up with the cats and watch some comedy on YouTube. There is really no hurry to ‘figure everything out’....
...Which brings me to point 2:
- Getting rid of arbitrary goals about when I want to have achieved x, y or z by. I’m forever hearing from women who say ‘I’m 38, I feel like this was my last chance’ or ‘I’ve decided I will keep trying to conceive until I reach my 40th birthday, and then I’m quitting’. It’s one thing reaching the point where you know you’ve had enough of trying now. It’s another thing trying to decipher at what point in the future you are going to feel that way, and setting yourself a deadline! I used to put that kind of pressure on myself until I realised how unhelpful it was. Similarly, comparing myself with my friends and the ages at which they started a family (‘I’m so far behind my friends!”) because it doesn’t actually matter. That’s their lives... this is mine.
- Knowing that if I’m never able to start a family, there are lots of other ways to find fulfilment and purpose in life. Someone said something about how when you don’t have kids, you are free to give your life over to things that make a real positive difference to the world... which is much more difficult to do when you’ve got kids.
- Not asking ‘why?’ or even worse, ‘why me?’ It’s a complete dead-end. I used to drive myself craaaazy with that kind of self-talk. God/the universe isn’t punishing me, I didn’t do something wrong in a past life, I haven’t been singled out for this cruel treatment.... so I no longer torture myself with ‘why’. I just ask ‘how can I put this experience to best use in my life going forward?’ It’s a much more productive question to occupy my mind with.
- Not forcing myself to be around people with kids. More than happy to pull out of that wedding next weekend/ that christening next month/that baby shower in October. Minimise the self-torture! What is most important right now is that I look after myself, give myself time to heal. Dragging myself along to coffee with two pregnant friends isn’t going to help me heal right now.
- Knowing that some days, I’m going to forget all of the above and just feel shitty and hopeless. It’s all just part of the process. Tomorrow is another day.
My thoughts and best wishes to every lady here who is struggling to come to terms with their loss and grief. Time may not heal you completely, but I believe it will make things easier to bear, and that you will find a way forward xxx