Miscarriage yesterday, feeling so sad and can’t cope

[Pitterpatter01]

I had a painful miscarriage yesterday morning at 5 weeks. I know it was very early days and I had only known that I was pregnant for a week, but I feel so desperately sad. It took us 4 cycles to get pregnant (it would have been our second child).
It all happened so fast, one minute I’m feeling ecstatic and then overnight my world crumbled.
There are two other pregnancies in my family at the moment, and we are supposed to be going on holiday with one of them in a few weeks. How can I cope with that?! There’s a few of us going (my parents and cousins), my DS is so excited about it so I can’t just not go. And I know I need to face it.
My DS was born at 33 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia. As a result I had post traumatic stress disorder and post natal depression. I hate my body. Why is it so useless? Why am I not capable of having a normal healthy pregnancy like millions of other women?
I have been through a lot of other crap over the years and feel like I can’t cope with any more crap being thrown at me. I just want to curl up and hide myself away.
My tummy feels very tender, I feel sick. My eyes are stinging like mad from all the crying.
I can’t bring myself to eat because I feel like it’s my fault I miscarried as my BMI is 33. Maybe my horrible fat body can’t do what it’s supposed to do.
Why is life so unfair?
I know that there a lots of people worse off than me, and I know I should be thankful that I have one child and that I lost my second so early on rather than later down the line. But it just doesn’t make it any easier.
Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have managed to read it until the end

I’m hoping by adding another comment it will make my post visible. Can anyone offer any comfort or advice or experience?

I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through. But you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your beautiful body brought your ds into this world who loves you very much and he wouldn't say your useless would he. It may not of been full term and had it's complications but you still carried and made that special little boy.. At the moment it's still fresh and it doesn't matter how far along a loss is still a loss and you will need to grieve..
Would you be able to speak to any family members going and let them know the situation? Then if you need to go off and have a few minutes to yourself or vent to them they can help and understand. Don't shut yourself away and get yourself into that dark hole. Things will get better with time even though at the moment it seems it won't... You are stronger than you think

@MrsE87 thank you for replying. I think I will be honest and tell them what has happened, and explain that I may need a bit of time out. I feel so desperately sad. The nurse had already sent the form off for a maternity exemption card so I know I’m going to get that through, and will probably get the date for my booking in. It will be hard seeing those.
Life is so crap sometimes

Yeah you really need to it will help you so much if they know, then they will understand why you might be off and upset. If you can't face calling to cancel get your partner to call and explain what's happened..
Life does suck at times. And going through what you have your right to feel the way you do. But it will get better. Don't lock yourself away and hold your feelings in cuz your own mind can be your worst enemy at times i know that myself.

@MrsE87 thank you, I have just spoke to my cousin who is the Mum of the pregnant family member, she is going to talk to her daughter and explain what has happened, she agrees that it’s a good idea to tell her. I said that I’m really happy for her, and I don’t want her to feel awkward etc, but just be mindful that I’m hurting at the moment. She was really good, I’m not cancelling holiday, hopefully I can still take some enjoyment from it x

Thats good to hear. Now they know you will probably be able to relax a little more, and they can take your mind off of things for a little while.. Take care lovely hope you get your happiness back soon x

Thank you @MrsE87 x

I'm so so sorry you find yourself here OP. It's one of the worst things that can happen to a woman when their baby was so very much wanted and loved. Everything you're feeling is totally natural and it's still so raw, it is a long, dark and difficult journey to healing emotionally, I won't lie - 3 weeks after my mc and I'm still bawling my eyes out. It doesn't matter if it's an early or late mc, whether it was your first or 10th pregnancy, it still hurts because that is your baby you are grieving for. That baby you had plans for, you'd started to imagine having in your life and loved from the moment you saw that BFP. Take all the time you need to heal emotionally and hope you have good support around you. I'm glad you have shared the sad news with family so hopefully they can be sensitive and supportive - a holiday may be just what you need. Remember too that the ladies here on MN are very supportive so of you need to vent or offload you can come here. Hugs!

@InDreamland thank you for your kind words, and sorry that you have been through it too. It’s so hard, I feel so alone in my grief. The physical pain has come back today, feel sick, got pains in my tummy and back, and generally feel rubbish

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I too am finding it hard to be around pregnant women or new babies right now, having recently been though a mmc. Go easy on yourself.

I agree that sometimes telling the appropriate people your sad news is necessary, there can be this weird silence surrounding miscarriage that causes people to ultimately get less support so I'm glad you've been able to speak to your family and they can be sensitive and understanding at this time.

I hope your physical symptoms ease soon too. Hugs x

@MrsGriff8 sorry that you have had to go through this too. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I felt a little better yesterday and managed to finally get some proper sleep last night xx