Feeling ashamed/embaressed after MMC
Justincase87 · 28/07/2018 18:43
I had a MMC about 8 weeks ago - I was 12 weeks pregnant but baby was 8+4. I had a ERPC.
I am really struggling to move forward - I don’t cry as much as I used to but I think about th miscarriage and my future as a mother almost constantly. We’ve just found out our dear close friends are expecting the month after our baby was due and that’s really thrown me.
I was talking to my DH yesterday and realised my overwhelming emotions are shame and embarrassment - I was extensively bullied and grew up believing I was objectively ugly. I am very overweight despite having lost 5.5st. I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking well no wonder she had a miscarriage when she’s so huge. I’m embarrassed that we told people from as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I’m embaressed that I thought I had a chance at a happy healthy pregnancy. I feel like everyone is judging me and thinking that I’m a loser.
I have suffered extensively with mental health in the past, and am currently unmedicated. I was doing really well before all this happened but now I feel like I will never move forward. I’m convinced I’ll never be a mother and that my body will keep letting me down.
I guess this is more of an overflow of emotions rather than asking for advice, I just feel very lonely and very ashamed.
Wolfiefan · 28/07/2018 18:47
I am so so so very sorry this happened to you. But you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Nothing at all.
My first pg ended in a mmc and I too had an ERPC. I remember feeling broken and like I would never be a mother as my body just couldn't do it. I felt guilty. Had I caused it? Of course I hadn't.
That was rubbish. I now have two kids. You still have every chance of a happy and healthy pregnancy.
For now be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and recover physically as well. Seek help for your MH if you need it.
Good luck for the future OP.
OrgyOfBarminess · 28/07/2018 18:57
Op I completely sympathise with you, I had a miscarriage 01/10/17 and I completely blamed myself.
I have had issues with my MH in the past depression and anxiety and I do not need medication atm. I called my gp a few weeks later and they put me in touch with a local therapist through the NHS, it took a while to see them but it has worked wonders and rebuilt my confidence. Would this be something to consider?
There are some really good forums as well to chat and work through with others who have been through the same. I really hope you don't loose hope Op and it does get easier xx
Justincase87 · 28/07/2018 19:09
Thank you both - I was hoping I was getting better but the news from our friends has just knocked me back - I am so unbelievably happy for them but so sad for us - I know I can’t avoid other pregnancies for ever so think therapy would help, my DH is wonderful but he wants to... not forget... but not talk about it all the time...
We’ve started tentatively trying again, AF is just about to arrive (second since it happened) which is making me miserable too.
I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s such an awful thing to go through. Whilst I would never in a million years want anyone to go through this, it’s nice not to feel quite so alone, thank you for taking time to reply
Wolfiefan · 28/07/2018 19:50
You're not alone. Good luck OP.
SleepFreeZone · 28/07/2018 19:54
I felt ashamed and embarrassed too OP. I honestly think it goes with the territory. We think our body cannot do what do many other women do effortlessly. We’re also embarrassed that we dared to believe we could be successfully pregnant and fulfil our dreams.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you 💐. If it’s any consolation at all my consultant said if you can get pregnant there is a very high likelihood that you will have a baby. It’s the falling pregnant that’s the toughest hurdle for many.
Tabathatwitchett · 28/07/2018 19:55
You're absolutely not alone. I lost my first baby to a MMC at a similar stage to you and then struggled to get pregnant for two years so I had a long time to watch others celebrating their babies. I have hidden in more toilets sobbing than I can tell you and honestly, losing that baby nearly broke me. But time passed and I did get pregnant and moved forward. You'll get through this OP. Just be kind to yourself for now
InDreamland · 29/07/2018 10:45
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's always going to be a really hard time and takes a long long long time to heal emotionally from - I'm only 2 weeks post-miscarriage. I can relate to the feelings of embarrassment amd shame. I find myself asking why I can't do what everyone elae around me seems to do so easily, why I can't do what women are designed to do - it's so hard to cope with. I feel judged, I felt judged even before I got pregnant as it took us 5 years TTC only for it to end this way - judged when I keep getting asked by people who aren't even close to me why I don't have children yet or why I'm not pregnant- talk about making a woman feel inferior, like a failure and inadequate when she is feeling low. So I absolutely understand how you can feel the way you do. Nothing I can say will make this better for you because it hurts so much at rhe moment. I am starting to access counselling and hoping my referral to a specialist counselling charity will be accepted. Please if you haven't already done so get yourself referred for counselling. You can self refer for NHS counselling. I hope you can get the support you need x
Justincase87 · 29/07/2018 11:20
Thank you for your replies everyone - it does help a little - I think I’m impatient too and I know it will take time, i just want this pain to stop. I have no idea how I will manage my due date - I so badly want to be pregnant again by then but I’m worried it’ll just end again! God I must sound so bloody pessimistic but my gut is telling me to prepare because I’ll never get to be a mum.
I read your post @InDreamland - I’m not sure if I replied - I tend to write big long replies then get anxious and delete because I feel shy!
I’m so sorry for your loss - it’s so hard - the pressure is immense and I’m sure people don’t realise how upsetting it is. My mum keeps telling me about all her friends grandchildren and I feel like I lost this baby that so many people expected me to keep safe. From an outsiders perspective I can tell you you are absolutely not inferior, I’m so sorry you feel like your body has let you down but it doesn’t make you any less of a woman. Please be kind to yourself. If only we could listen to our own advice!
I’m going to contact my GP tomorrow about counselling - I’m sure there will be a huge wait but at least I’m being proactive.
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