Getting back to “yourself” after a miscarriage

[Hortonlovesahoo]

Hi everyone,

I had my first miscarriage on January 31st this year at 10weeks and up until late June, it’s been a rollercoaster of bleeding, operations, investigations and generally not being able to get over the miscarriage or loss. My body kept hold of parts of the pregnancy until mid June (which they tried to remove three times in total) so my body and hormones have been all over the place.

I’m now coming out of the other side and trying to get back to the more emotional bond/ physical attachment with my husband and I’m struggling. We’ve spoken so openly about my blood loss/scans/ issues that I struggle to get the passion started or tenderness there as everything around my body has become so “practical”.

Does anyone have any advice for how to rediscover themselves and how to rekindle the romance when you still feel quite “raw” inside?

Hi @Hortonlovesahoo. I'm really sorry to hear about what you've gone through, it's sounds so painful, physically and emotionally. I can't offer any advice as I'm only just myself starting the painful process of mc of my first pregnancy but wanted to just say i hope you find the answer and rekindle that passion soon x

Thank you @InDreamland. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this as well x

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I found out about our miscarriage at our twelve week scan in April and had ERPC. We are so lucky as we do also have a DC who keeps us very busy. It's been a long road back to feeling like "me" again. My husband and I really struggled with our relationship and I struggled as wanted to try again straightaway but he wasn't ready. I've had to find things for me, spending time with friends, started attending new fitness classes etc. I can honestly say I'm finally now back to feeling like me again, 4 months on.

Be kind to yourself. Do things you enjoy. Spend time with people you love. I found it beneficial to talk about it with friends, I've been very open about what happened. It's a really shit thing to happen, there's no right way to process it.

I would also say - work on yourself to be able to work on your relationship. I know exactly what you mean about the passion side of things and the 'practical' function and process of your body. We're not 100% back to normal with that to be honest. But I do feel like we're getting there. I can thoroughly recommend some sort of exercise or skill as it's making me get back in touch with my body, seeing progress in different skills and areas which is helping me put that mental block behind me.

I promise you'll get back to normal. I also thoroughly recommend some gym classes! Yoga, HIIT etc. Really helped me. It's tricky when you're a bit depressed as you don't want to exercise - instead wanting to drink wine and fester!
And your love and sex life will get back to normal as well. It's very hard for partners too.. I've had 4 miscarriages and my husband has really struggled. It definitely put both of us having sex at times, instead wanting to just hug. But it is a strengthening time too. Time is a great healer. Sending you love and strength - you can do this, you're a woman xxxxx

Be kind to yourself - it's a terrible time for anyone

When we had a similar experience I focused a lot on walking,and avoiding spending time in the house. Thankfully DH understood.

It helped my mental health greatly, gave me space to reggroup. I struggled with intimacy for a long time post ERPC - we then planned a couple of weekends away, and drank too much with each other, it helped us.

So sorry you're going through this. I didn't cope well after my mc mentally or physically and my it really took every aspect of my life. I eventually threw myself into a course and it was the beginning of the healing process for me. Try not to put pressure on yourself, there isn't a set amount of time to be 'normal' again x

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't replied as it's just been a difficult few weeks to get my head around.

Take all the time you need OP. I and I think everyone else here has/is going through the same as you. Life sucks and I think it is a long road to healing physically and emotionally.

Whilst I found out that my baby had died last week Tuesday I didn't actually have the complete physical mc until Monday night this week, so only 72 hours ago. I am in a very very dark place right now and so think I can kinda understand how you might feel. Every minute feels like you're just trying to survive.

The advice everyone here has posted though does sound good and sensible - things I will try take on board too maybe next week ......... so thank you for this thread as I have found it helpful for the future.

Don't feel though that you have to apologise, take it one day and step at a time. What we have all been through is unimaginable grief.

@indreamland: I’m sorry that it took nearly a week for all of the physical elements to be over. I hope that you can now start the possibility of healing. You’re in my thoughts x

Thanks @Hortonlovesahoo. I'm up and down like a yoyo at the moment but one day maybe there will be more ups than downs. I hope you (all of us) can find a happier place with a happy healthy baby soon.

OP I just wanted to share something that really helped me when I suffered a MMC earlier this year (discovered at 11 wks although baby had stopped growing at 6).

I was feeling a lot of resentment towards my "failure of a body" as it had continued to give me pregnancy symptoms for 5 weeks and that I had been walking around on cloud 9 unaware that there was anything wrong with the baby. We had even started to tell people.

My friend said that there was no shame in my body holding on to a baby that it loved for as long as possible. There's nothing wrong with giving too much love.

I just hope this helps you find some peace with what you have been through.

Go easy on yourself. I cried the first two times we had sex again.

Hi OP look after yourself. I had a MC in 2015. In my experience I found it really hard at the beginning and fell apart. I do sometimes still get upset but the only day I find particularly difficult most years is what would have been my due date. All you can do is make sure you're taking care of yourself and no matter how you feel it's ok. You're more than allowed to grieve.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage it sounds like it's been even more horrendous for you due to your body holding bits etc 💖

I had a mc at 8 weeks last February and it was pretty bog standard biologically (aka everything passed naturally and I stopped bleeding after a few weeks) so no advice re the medical side of things, but I can deffo comment on the mental side of things.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant at 4 months postpartum, but really wanted the pregnancy, having had a tough time getting pregnant with number 1 and then worrying about my mc being related to my section, It gave me severe anxiety that I would never be pregnant again and made me be a pretty shitty person to those around me (just constantly angry all the time and taking my frustrations out on my husband and mum mostly) it honestly took my husband to hit breaking point - said he felt unloved and that I didn't care about him anymore and treated him so poorly for me to really see how it affected me mentally.

Me and him had a full heart to heart, I had to be honest with myself too and realise how crappy I was being. I wrote a lot of my feelings down and talked with endless amounts of people just to get things off my chest!

A year later (from when hubby and I hit rock bottom) I'm now nearly 30 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and I've kept up with my communication to hubby, we have moved house and are better than ever, I'm hoping baby number 2 doesn't put a strain on our relationship again but we will see.

Hugs to you my love 💖 I know my experience probably isn't anything like yours but please don't bottle your feelings up as I truely believe that's what caused me to turn into a monster after my MC.

Thank you @notanotherheffalump and @alwayscommuting. Those are really helpful words.

You’re right about me blaming my body for what’s happened. It’s getting better and I think that returning to my “old” routines have helped a lot to get me out of the “funk” that I’ve slipped into.