Hi xJune88,
I would say that I am so sorry for you but actually, I bet you get that said to you all the time and what good is a sorry with nothing to follow through?
It sounds like you have had a horrific year. Two miscarriages, your Dad's death and the impact it is having on your marriage must be so difficult to cope with. I can't imagine how you feel and how this is impacting on you. I am not surprised you feel so depressed and confused - it's really a struggle to make sense of such senselessness. There is nothing that I can say that will help you feel any different except that you are an incredibly strong warrior who now has the love and support of two rainbow babies and her father watching over her and you will get through this. You may be a different person when you come out the other side but you will find a way and every day there will be a moment when you are able to let go of the shackles of grief and allow yourself to be - hopefully those moments will become longer and you will learn to live with the complexities of our human existence.
Take time, Rainbow Mama. Take time out and allow yourself to grieve three very special people in your life. If your husband can't hack it, possibly encourage him to find his own way to find his peace. But, do what you have to do - go hug and tree and cry it out (this works for me), write it out, scream it out, beat a pillow up and get the anger out - whatever, as long as you are not hurting another - you need to find a way to process.
Also, it may also be worth looking into counselling and/or getting some bereavement work. Speaking to the Miscarriage Association, CRUSE or another service might be worthwhile. Or maybe RELATE if your husband will go with you. I have been told that marriage issues are completely common in the wake of miscarriage and grief.
I am also rhesus negative and think it will be okay as long as you get your injections - my gran, mama, sister and myself are all rhesus negative. They all had healthy babies (my gran had 6 and my mum had 4!) so I wouldn't worry so much.
I completely understand about seeing pregnant women - yesterday I finally passed my rainbow baby. I sit here very early in the morning feeling very empty. My sister in law gave birth just over a week ago whilst I was waiting for my natural miscarriage to take place. It is such a difficult dynamic for them and us. Up until my own miscarriage, I had no idea how a pregnancy announcement or even being pregnant could hurt another but now I am especially aware and if I am ever blessed with a healthy pregnancy next time, I will make sure I am sensitive to others. People don't understand if they have never been through it and it can be really hard to see others so happy in the face of new life. The way I cope is if it were my healthy pregnancy I would be overjoyed and I know I would find it difficult to repress in front of others.
It's just a very sad and difficult time. I wrote about my loss here: graciebridges.blogspot.com/2018/06/loss-blog-post_22.html - I am not sure if it's helpful to you. In a very longwinded way, I just want to say - you are not alone. I feel you.
I am now engaging with Chinese Medicine to get myself stronger for TTC again. The Doctor has been amazing and I am hoping this will help as I am 40 and don't have a major amount of time on my side. We'll see.
Take care of yourself, sorry for so much writing! xxx