How to explain to 6 year old that she's no longer going to be a big sister?

[ChilliRae]

We might lose our baby. We are in the second trimester, we didn't expect this. How on earth do we explain to a little girl, desperate to be a sister that she is no longer going to be? We thought we were safe telling her but clearly we weren't. How do we do this?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think it depends on her age?

silly she's 6 years old.

Have you had any deaths in the family that you’ve explained about?

My mum died suddenly when my dd was 2. At the time she didn’t really understand but in the following two years she’s asked lots of questions. Probably not the best thought through answers but we told her that sometimes people get too sick, and doctors can’t make them better, so they die and go to live with the angels. (We’ve had a lot of questions about the angels). Anyway it seems to be an explanation that has worked for her on a practical and logical level with a little bit of spiritual/nice imagery thrown in.

I’m sorry you’re going through this x

@InNeedOfALieInNow only dogs! I have in my family but not in DPs (she's DSD) - but she does think her old dogs live in the sky so we could go down that route...

Thank you

ChilliRae, I'm very sorry you are going through this. If it becomes a reality the best advice I got when this happened me 3 years ago was to be straight with her and tell her honestly what is happening. My husband and I tried to protect our then 5 and 3 years old daughters from the reality but the eldest figured out something was wrong and pretty much asked me straight out a few months later why I lied. Awful... There should be a specialist midwife / counsellor in the hospital who can support you and help you work out how to explain the situation to her. Remember, you are her world so she will be most concerned about you and her 'safe connection' with her lovely mum. It's important that she feels safe and that she knows that you are all very sad but that you are not leaving her. Trust your own instincts. I'm very sorry you are coping with this.

I agree with Country Chick, it's best all round to be honest, not least for your own sanity.
There is a gentle book I used to help my 6 year old daughter understand what had happened when my son was stillborn at 24 weeks in November last year. It's written by Pat Schwiebert;
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead. It is available on Amazon. I first read it while in hospital just after I lost my son. It's written in American style... think mom etc but it did explain the loss in a way my daughter could understand and she looks at it whenever she wants. I am so so sorry for what is happening to you, I had also waited until my 20 week scan before telling my daughter, the memory of the look on her face when she found out she was going to be a big sister still makes me well up. Again so sorry x

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this

We went through something similar last year, our daughter was 3 and very excited about her new sibling, she used to cuddle the bump, named him, talked about him. We got devastating news at the 20 week scan and had a TFMR the following week. Telling DD was the worst aspect of the whole process.

I would echo what people above have said, honesty is definitely the best policy as is sticking to discussing beliefs that you truly hold, by that I mean talking about angels only works if that fits in with your own spiritual beliefs.

We were very direct with DD, explaining that our baby had died, that he was not growing strong enough to survive outside Mummy's tummy and that he wasn't going to be coming home with us. She digested this very slowly, coming back with lots of questions at different time points and we tried to answer them as honestly as we could. Mostly though, she was amazingly matter of fact about it, she understood that I was sad, she brought me teddies when I was crying and talked about it with her friends (and occasionally random strangers who were usually pretty shocked to hear 'there was a baby in Mummy's tummy, but he died'). I think it also helped to give him a name (we stuck with the name she had given the bump). We also had great support from her nursery who also patiently answered DDs questions and used the same terms that we had so that she wasn't getting mixed messages. She became really really 'clingy' in the weeks after we told her and wanted to sleep in our bed, which we were happy to facilitate, this all settled down after a few weeks.

I am 39 weeks pregnant now, this time we didn't tell DD anything until after the 20 week scan and she was definitely unsure about this pregnancy initially, but is now really excited and looking forward to being a big sister. Interestingly, our little boy still comes up in conversation.

I think things are probably very different with a 6yr old, it might be worth contacting SANDS to see if they have any advice for discussing it, also, books can be a godsend. Finally, please do let her school know so that they can support her too. Kids are astonishingly resilient and she will be OK, but it will be tough initially.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We lost our daughter 12 weeks ago. It all happened so quick, I went into thinking i had an infection within minutes I was told I was going to lose my baby. I went into labour at 20+2, she was to small to survive.

I have an 11 & 5 year old, their dad told them while I was in hospital. He was honest with them. It was hard as they saw her on a scan just 2 weeks before and were so excited. My 5 year old doesn't fully understand still and at first thought she would be back in my belly. There are some books on Amazon that may help explain to your child. The hospital also gave me some booklets on how to explain it to siblings.