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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

What not to say to someone MCarrying

31 replies

Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:10

I’m currently 99% sure I’m MC (scan this afternoon) and I know most people mean well so I don’t really mean for this thread to turn into something nasty but my god don’t people say some stupid things when your having a MC? I know they probably don’t realise and I think a lot of people don’t know what to say at all. So far I’ve had -

-was it planned?
-oh not far enough along to be too bad then?!
-after telling them I’m 99% them saying they are still holding out hope and I should stay positive (I kind of get why people say this but we have had bad news already with this pregnancy and now I have bleeding since Saturday so it’s almost certainly over)

I’m sorry if I come across as a bit of a bitch in this I just thought it might be a good place to have a bit of a rant about silly things people say. Don’t mean to offend anyone :-) xx

OP posts:
soapboxmum · 30/05/2018 14:11
Flowers

I’m not even going to put what my FIL said to me.

Hand hold OP

KTD27 · 30/05/2018 14:11

I don’t think you come across as a bitch! Sometimes you just need a hug and a ‘god that’s shit I’m really sorry’
So here have a virtual one from me Flowers

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:12

@soapboxmum thanks :-) I think I’m getting increasingly frustrated because everyone is telling me to be positive and how their ndn aunties husbands friend had all this before then gave birth to quadruplets! I want to scream.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 14:13

Oh well at least you can get pregnant.
You can always try again.
Eejits.
Agree with KT. It's shit and I'm sorry are about all you can say.

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:13

@KTD27 exactly :-) thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:14

@Wolfiefan yes! Had that one a lottt! Also from a friend who has had 4 children, ahhh but you didn’t really know the baby did you?!

I do feel lucky we got pregnant very quickly, I understand that many people can’t/try for years but that doesn’t make my pain less.

OP posts:
bikerclaire · 30/05/2018 14:15

Will be thinking of you today. XXX

needtogiveitablow · 30/05/2018 14:17

Copied into an email off my boss saying “I expect her to be back within a week, she’ll be fine after a few days” Hmm

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 14:18

Of course it doesn't make the pain less. I grieved for all the things I wouldn't know about my baby if that makes sense.
One mmc
One mc
Two kids.

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 14:18

Fine after a few days? FFS.

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:19

Thanks ladies. You know what this whole thing has been really shit but I can’t thank the people on these boards enough for their kindness and understanding. I even have to thank people whose posts I’ve read in AIBU just for distraction. They don’t know it but they’ve helped me a lot.
You’re all bloody amazing :-) 💐

OP posts:
Namechangefailagain · 30/05/2018 15:03

Ive had 2 miscarriages an early one and a late one. With my early one nobody acknowledged it.

I was 20 weeks with my daughter. A few of what I've had so far are

  • its been 8 weeks you shouldn't still be this bad
  • you need to get over it
  • appreciate the kids you do have
  • It could have been worse
  • inmagine if you had been full term
  • It's not as if you knew her
  • it must be so hard losing a child - this one was in relation to someone else and it was as though they didn't see my loss as me losing a child.
Namechangefailagain · 30/05/2018 15:06

Sorry just realised it said to someone misscarrying I thought you said after a miscarriage.

I am so sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 15:07

@Namechangefailagain

I’m sorry :-( people can be so unthinking sometimes. :-(

💐

OP posts:
NotBurpeesAgain · 30/05/2018 15:07

I learnt at my 13 week scan that DC4 would probably not make it.
BEFORE we learnt he had died, DH told me "How long do you think it will take you to move on to something else?"
Do I win?

PamEars · 30/05/2018 15:10

Was it caused by stress? (Oh yes, i caused it by not being chilled enough Hmm

When pregnant after 3 mcs. "I hear you gave a stork on the roof! I hope it stays this time." In front of loads of rellies. Really upset me.

Lottapianos · 30/05/2018 15:12

Some people just love to trot out their smug thoughtless bullshit. I'm so sorry OP x

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 15:19

Pam that's bloody awful.
OP and others Flowers

Ells0204 · 30/05/2018 21:55

Sorry to hear this Flowers
If it’s any consolation I’ve had:
At least you weren’t that far along
Maybe it’s for the best, everything happens for a reason

And this absolute gem by a FAMILY member:
Have you thought about giving up drinking as alcohol doesn’t help. And maybe you should start taking folic acid?

Wow.

Alexandrite77 · 30/05/2018 22:35

I had a mmc and had to have a d & c a few weeks ago, nothing prepares you for any loss like losing a baby. I had so many conversations with people telling me they had been through it or knew someone that had, miscarriage is not talked about, so I didn’t realise how common it was. However, at the time I felt like screaming ‘ I dont care about others, I’m going through it’.... sorry if that sounds mean, but I know they were trying to comfort me, but you have to mourn your own loss. It’s awful what your going through xx my thoughts are with you

Alexandrite77 · 30/05/2018 22:37

Oh and on a side note ..... people don’t know the right thing to say after .. I had

Well maybe you should just get lots of cats, as kids can be tiring!

Some things are better not said ! Xxx

Yoshei · 30/05/2018 23:21

I know it's kind of mean, but reading the things people said to you makes me feel better (as in it puts peoples reactions into perspective)

So here's my contribution - Most hurtful for me were:
So when can you try again? (as in the first and only things they said about it)
Indirectly prying/fishing for the next pregnancy while they know you are trying: should I avoid raw desserts for the party this weekend? (can't you just like.. Make something safe either way, it's not like there aren't enough options)
(the next came from my brother in law who is a teacher and has many female collegues) oh well I hear such things all the time and some of those stories are far worse than yours (I was like 'oops my fault, I didn't know it was a competition..')
(Immediately after telling about the 2nd miscarriage:) oh that's too bad,... (feeling understood here for 5 secondes, but then she continues talking:) If it had been born before New Year it would have been better fiscally (I don't live in the UK but here a portion of the taxes is returned to you if you have kids)

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 31/05/2018 01:17

Yes I have had to tell a few people tonight after MC confirmed on a scan and I just don’t know what to say back to some people. Think I’m going to shut myself and dh away for a couple of days.

OP posts:
mk87 · 31/05/2018 08:09

Sorry you are going through this it's rubbish isn't it! 😢 I had a missed miscarriage earlier this year. We told close family and friends after for them to avoid putting their foot in it .... FIL came out with "next time wrap yourself in cotton wool" I replied with the fact it must have been the vodka and bouncy castles I had been leaping on that caused it 😂😂😂 (obvs not really). We then got "at least we know his side of things works"!!! 🙈 He means well and that's what I focused on

Original poster
Ataloss2567 · 31/05/2018 10:42

@mk87 yes I don’t know why people suddenly assume you’ve done something reckless during pregnancy! Or offer you advice on how to stop it next time?! I had someone recommend I take folic acid next time. I informed them that actually I’d been taking folic acids for three months before conceiving and when pregnant took a host of vitamins etc!

Reading some of this stuff has made me feel a lot better and not so alone :-) cramping like hell at the moment but nothing major has happened yet which is a bit crap :-( while I don’t want surgery maybe I should have just had it and got it all over and done with quickly xx

OP posts: