Advice on explaining miscarriage to a 3yr old

[marialuisa]

Hi,
not sure if this forum is the right place, but could do with some words of wisdom from MNers before stomping in in my size 9s....

Some very close friends have just suffered a miscarriage at around 14 wks. The baby was very much planned, they had been TTC for some time. To complicate matters further they have moved abroad in the past 12 months so do not have family/close friends and the wife has given up her high-flying career so is stuck at home.

They "announced" the pregnancy very early on and they told our DD who now refers to "the baby in X's tummy". They are coming home for some R&R and we plan to meet up. how do I explain what's happened to DD-we're 99% sure it's the first thing she'd ask them about?

Also, I don't know the DW that well, IYSWIM, so would it be inappropriate to email her and say "sorry to hear the sad news, please get in touch if you want a chat". ?

TIA

Tell her their baby died, that it's unusual but it happens sometimes, and they are very sad about it. My advice would be to leave it at that. Answer her further questions. If your dd is anything like our ds, the more she gets the issue "out of her system" with you, the less likely she is to grill your friends when they arrive.
E-mail her Marialuisa, I am sure she will be touched that you are unafraid to make contact. The worst thing about the aftermath of losing a baby is feeling "shunned", however kindly it's meant. I found it so hard to deal rationally with people who knew our ds2 had died and didn't get in touch. Rightly or wrongly I interpreted that as them not caring.
I'm very sorry to hear about your friends. They will need caring pals like you around.

its a hard one really i ahd m/c last year and my friends little girl (3) was so excited that i was having a baby, when i m/dc'd my friend asked me what i wanted to tell her? i explained to her that the lillte baby was now sleeping with the angels and that the brightest star in th sky was the baby, she did ask lots of questions but handled it well by thinking that the baby was now a little angel watching over her! when i had the m/c i just wanted people to be normal with me but not avoid the subject as its easier to get through if you have someone to talk to just be there for your friend if she needs you x

Thanks guys, will email her, and deal with DD's questions as they come up.

marialuisa - I think marina's advice was spot on. You often don't have to give too much detail or explanations - if they aren't satisfied, they'll just ask another question and so on. Hope it goes well. YOur poor friends, it's just so very heartbreaking. I think I would call or e-mail - make things 'easier' or less awkward when you do see them.

I've had two miscarriages this year and my children (aged 4, 6 and 7) knew about the first one because we also told people quite early (didn't last time, just in case). Its hard to explain, especially when its happened to yourself and its your own children you're explaining to, but I just went along the lines of 'the baby died, no-one knows why but there must have been something wrong'. I had to repeat it a few times but it got through.

A word of warning though - she might or might not remember about it on different occasions and might say something which could be upsetting to this lady, which can't be helped, I'm afraid.

My 4 year old, who is now just turned 5, seemed to understand well enough that I was no longer having a baby. Then after a while with no discussion about it he asked when the baby was going to come. I explained again - and he later asked again, by which time I was again pregnant but didn't want to say, so I just repeated my explanation and he asked when we WERE going to have one then? It was really hard not to say 'maybe in about 8 months', but I'm so glad I didn't now since I miscarried again.

Lately he seems to have got it (six months after I lost the one he knew about) and just pats my tummy now again saying 'there's no baby in there now, is there Mummy?'