Feelings of hatred and jealousy towards my sister-in-law (any tips?)

[Yoshei]

Hello,

Is there anyone who can help me channel these feelings of hatred and jealousy? I don't want to feel this way.

I had a missed miscarriage in February while my sister-in-law was 8 months pregnant. She now carries around her perfect family with two perfectly healthy children (and complaints about it regularly to me). I lost my second child (we do have one son) and then a week ago had another miscarriage. My in laws know about the first miscarriage, but not about the second (I didn't want everyone to know this time). They do know we are trying again.

Today my son and her eldest son were playing. They joked and said her son acted like a farmer while mine acted like a building constructor. She then said to her youngest one: now you only have to become an electrician and then the set is complete.

I have suppressed feelings of jealousy and hatred towards her, telling myself repeatedly that it are independent events and she deserves to be happy with her family. But what she said about the set being complete was a dagger through my heart. They never mourned with us about the first miscarriage, they only wanted to know when we'd try again. I really longed for some condolences or something like "we would have loved to meet this child too, we'll miss him/her" (or any other form of acknowledgment the child was there and was part of the family). Of course you can't force such things so I had to accept that it would never come (from no one in our environment for that matter). This is difficult enough for me. Now it feels like she not only dismisses the child that could have been, but also any possible future child. I don't know how to give this a turn anymore. I just resent her comment about the set being complete so much that all the suppressed hatred and jealousy is coming up too. I know I must sound like a dark and/or sad individual, and maybe I currently am, but I don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore.

(sorry for the long post)

I really empathise as I’ve been in your shoes with my SIL.
Your feelings are perfectly valid, they are how you feel and your SIL doesn’t sound at all nasty, just making an innocent comment which you have taken to heart.
Have you tried talking to her about you feel? Maybe you could tell her how sad you still feel that you miscarried and don’t yet have that second long for child in your arms.
If you don’t feel able to tell her then perhaps you could distance yourself for a bit. Give yourself time to heal and accept the situation.
IME it does get better with time.

I am sorry for your sadness and losses however what she said really was just about the jobs themselves, she probably didn't put much thought into it and I can't imagine she meant it in any malicious way. If she wanted to be malicious or horrible she would have said something much more obvious.

You will only fall further into a pit of sadness and jealousy here if you let this consume you.

Comparison is the thief of joy. She has a lot going on with two children, I only have one and I barely have the capacity for much else. It's not good you didn't get any condolences but you never know what's going on with someone, they may have felt very sad and awkward. They may have been through the same and thought it was the best way to be. We have friends that had a miscarriage and I personally didn't say anything to them as the information came through my husband to me, they knew I knew but I felt it was best not to say anything. It's hard to know what to do for the best sometimes. The flip side....They may be awful people but you have to move on. For your own sanity and happiness.

If I ever get similar feelings to this I give myself a tiny window of time to process it, feel like crap and self wallow. I then move on.

I'm so sorry for your losses Yoshei. How you're feeling is completely normal. Of course you don't want to feel this way towards her, but it's an understandable reaction.

It sounds like they didn't handle your first MC very well so I understand not wanting to mention the second one. But usually people not doing the right thing around you after MC comes from a place of concern for you rather than indifference.

My suggestion would be to print out this from the miscarriage association ^www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Someone-You-Know.pdf^, or send the link to them to read, and if you find it hard to talk about or start the conversation, maybe write a short letter or email about what you would like to hear from them? Maybe saying that you'd like to talk about it more, but you don't want to make them uncomfortable and reassuring them that you are happy for them but that it's also hard for you to see them with a newborn at the moment and suggestions on how they can help (such as acknowledging that you would have been expecting too and talking about that with you).

I miscarried in March and have found people's reactions very varied, mostly depending on their experience of pregnancy or child loss. One lady at work hasn't mentioned it at all (no experience of MC), a couple talk to me about it if I mention it but don't ask questions or anything, just sympathise and then change the subject; but then there are two ladies who've been through similar and talk openly about it and ask how I am quite often which I find very comforting.
Fortunately my family have been very good too, and asked to see my early scan picture and wanted to know if I planned to commemorate it etc... Do you have anyone else who has given you this support?

So sorry to hear about your loss and all the grief and sadness you have had.

Not sure if this helps but...I have been (am still) in a similar position to your SIL. I struggle with it constantly - the guilt, the constant worrying for her, the sadness at losing what was a great relationship with my SIL... but I also struggle with balancing this with the daily demands of my family and wanting to be strong and fun and happy for them. As others have said, I have often felt like things I say are misunderstood and I am never sure what has been the right or the wrong way to behave. I regret not asking earlier what would be right, and I guess I too would suggest maybe you find a way to tell her how you are feeling. One of the most helpful things I found was something a friend sent on how to talk to someone about pregnancy loss, it made me realise that my SIL didn’t want me to pretend nothing had happened (which at the time I genuinely thought was the right thing to do as it would “help” her move on) but the opposite - to talk about it lots. I can’t say that has been easy, but it’s at least helped us both find a way to communicate a bit better. Talking about it together has also helped her realise that her family do care desperately, but are limited in the care and support we can actually give - I think she has started to seek professional counselling and support groups as a way of channelling those feelings you describe. I really hope you can find away to feel better about your own situation and your SIL’s family, and to get the love and support you deserve x

The only person that truly understands the grief of losing your babies is you. I have had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic. Most people have no idea how you feel or fully understand your pain. One of my missed miscarriages was at 22 weeks. It was truly awful, one colleague at work said well you have 2 DC already anyway as if that meant I am not allowed to grieve. (i have 4DC now btw) I looked at everyone else who had there babies, my SIL who had her baby with me secretly asking why couldn't it be her. (awful I know as I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone) No one understood my grief even my OH after a few weeks couldn't understand why I was still crying. You are still grieving, allow yourself time to recover and consider asking your GP to refer you for some counselling.

Hello all,

Thank you for the replies. I don't believe anyone in my surroundings has bad intentions. However I am also pretty sure it's not reluctance to talk, since I bring it up myself sometimes. My mother has told me she feels sorry for me, but has no bond or connection to my lost children (even though she knew about the first miscarriage for weeks). It angers me, which makes me feel guilty, because I know she can't help feeling how she feels. I tried talking to my sister in law as well, but the last thing she said about it (months ago) was that I shouldn't be talking about these things. She has been ignoring it ever since. Today I literally mentioned my second miscarriage and she blabla'd her way over it. I think she rather has the world appear perfect, since she still can think about it that way. Other people in my close surroundings have reacted rather distant. I can't name anyone but my husband who also seems to care about the children we lost. I know no one will ever truly feel how I feel, but I kind of expected more from my direct environment. I really want my children to be loved even though they are not here anymore, then I realize you can't force such feelings and it makes me feel so powerless.

I get you completely. It’s like we are all part of a really crap club isn’t it?

My mum was the same as yours, she said we needed to look at the positives, we can get pregnant etc. and that I didn’t really know this baby, i was grieving for what was going to be not the actual child.
I know she meant well, I know she didn’t really get it as has never mc but I just didn’t want to hear it. But she’s my mum and once I sat and talked to her she cried and said it’s because I’m her baby and even though she wants to understand desperately she just doesn’t know what to say. I think that’s the problem, unless you’ve been through it you’re never 100% what to say.

And now I am in uncertainty with my current pregnancy and if one more person tells me they have their fingers crossed (I’m almost certain I’m MC now) I will scream.

I can’t give you better advice than you’ve been given and I can’t tell you something that will make you feel less guilt/jealousy/frustration but I can tell you you’re not alone :-)
I might be sat next to you at work, I might bump into you in the shops or I could be another family member but the point is there are lots of us out there feeling like this and it’s perfectly acceptable.

Big hugs OP Xxxxx

I got MONTHS of shit from my DM and DSIL about not going abroad to my nephew's first birthday barely a month after I miscarried my first and only ever pregnancy. So yes, I feel you.

@Ataloss yeah it's a real crappy club, and entrance conditions are strange indeed. To my regret I know the miscarriage stats of quite some people at work, I had my first miscarriage there and my blood was all over the place. The cleaning lady who told me she'd clean it had miscarried herself 2 month prior. I was taken to the hospital and I havn't seen her since but I feel really sorry for her.. Since my miscarriage was so obvious lots of people told me about their miscarriages or about their miscarriage-free trajectory. I changed job position for it since too many people triggered bad emotions.

@AtrocityNeedles I would't have been able to cope with that either so soon, I think it's normal. I have a living son but recently had my second miscarriage and soon my nephew will turn 2. I am also expected to go but it hurts so much being confronted with him aging, while I'm in a flow of miscarrying. I wish time stood still until we managed to get pregnant again. Every milestone makes me realize that someone's not there. He/She left this big crater behind and there's no new baby willing to (partially) fill it.