My heart was between my toes as the nice sonographer lady uttered the identical sentence to what was delivered to me last September.
Sh!t! Again? Really? Even though I'd been the perfect saint with my abstinence from the booze and the fags and having eaten so much leafy greens my hair should resemble a head of broccoli. Even though this time I opted to adopt a more stoic, pragmatic, realistic approach, this time I would be prepared for anything, this time I would be so much more OK should things turn out bad, but as nice as the scan lady was, she sliced half of my heart off with those words. Devastated. Numb.
Last year I fell pregnant during the dawn of the worst year of my life, both mine and my partner's fathers succumbed to cancer after a very short fight. My pregnancy was a ray of sunshine to us and our families, we got overexcited and told every man and their dogs. There was nothing of substance to be seen on the ultrasound, a half-arsed attempt at a gestational sac, I started miscarrying on the day I was due in for the medical management.
This time around the babe managed 7 weeks, it actually developed. I'm having the surgical procedure next Tuesday and no longer afraid (never been knocked out by anything that wasn't Chardonnay before). I'm also waiting for the breakdown, I've been numb all this time. I'm ridden with guilt over the fact that I've caved into the likes of stress and didn't tone down my fitness routine, didn't relax and become this Earth mother hippy type. At the end of the day - we can always do better in everything, can't we. I know everything will be OK in the end, and I need to be looking into the future as I always do.
My quandary is that I don't want to wait for the NHS's three miscarriage rule. I would like sooner, closer and more regular monitoring, which I know can only be achieved by going private. Can anyone offer their accounts and feedback? Is it really worth it? Shall I just keep my toes (actually, perhaps my legs) crossed next time?
Thank you
Kat