This is long, so please bear with me. I really need some kind words.
It’s been over a year since my missed miscarriage. 2 years in September. It completely and totally broke my world and life just hasn’t been the same since, I haven’t been the same since. Last month my baby would’ve been 1 year old. The December following my missed mc, I had an early mc. Just when I start to feel like I’m ‘over it’, something brings it all back. I still look in the mirror and see an inadequate body that couldn’t keep my babies alive, I still hate myself for it and for the feelings that I just can’t shift. Since January I’ve cried pretty much every day, it’s like there’s a thunder cloud above my head that follows me around, and even when I’m momentarily happy I know it’s still there hanging over me. It just won’t go away - I’ve tried medication, self help, everything. A few weeks ago I noticed that I’m having more good days than bad which is great, now my sister has announced her pregnancy and I feel like such a horrible person. I hate her, and that breaks my heart. I don’t hate her, I hate that she’s getting what I couldn’t keep. I can’t look at her, I can’t speak to her, I fee like such a bad person. She called me yesterday and was telling me how sick she feels, how tired she is, how fed up she is. I get it, pregnancy is hard - with my son I had HG and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I know it’s crap and she’s got every right to moan but I just don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear her complaining about what I want so much. I know I’m being unreasonable and that my feelings shouldn’t taint hers, it’s awful feeling so resentful when I should be happy for her.
I’m angry all the time and I just want it go away.
I’m sorry it’s just a higgledy piggledy mess, I guess I needed to spew it all out because I can’t make the thoughts in my head make sense anymore. I’m so grateful for my 4 year old, I love him to the end of the earth. I just want my babies too :(