I'm so sorry your depression has been so bad Kate.
I wasn't suicidal but I did think at least twice a day that it would be better if I were dead, but I knew I would never do anything about it, I hope you haven't seriously considered anything that drastic.
Like Melamine said, counselling is probably a good idea. Is your GP aware of your depression and helping you deal with it? If they haven't offered to refer you for counselling please push for it. Take someone with you to your appointment if you need to as well because I know when I was very low I had next to zero self confidence and found it hard to push for things I needed and to make myself heard. Sometimes I'd just write down what I wanted to say beforehand and hand them the note rather than speaking.
I lived in the "why me, why me" stage for quite a while. The problem is there's no answer to that. Bad things happen to good people. Life isn't always fair. There's nothing you have done to deserve it, and there's nothing you could have done for it not to happen to you; it's just the way things worked out. You just have to find coping strategies until life starts giving you some better experiences again; and it will, because life isn't all bad, in fact it's mostly good, but the bad experiences you've had are big ones and it's just harder to see the good things when you're in such a dark place. Maybe before bed write down one or two positive things that have happened that day. You might feel you have to really search for them at first, but it's good practice to train your brain to search for the positives in life again.
I was also house-bound at one point and couldn't even answer the telephone. I found counselling and psychotherapy really helpful with that. I had 6 sessions with a psychotherapist and they taught me the Tapping technique for anxiety which I found helpful for uncomfortable situations like leaving the house. You just have to keep pushing yourself, as hard as it is. Don't let the monster of depression win. Fight back. That animal can be caged - I'm living proof.
Yes, almost all of the forums and things you read on endometriosis are negative and scaremongering. I used to belong to some forums and help groups and I gave them all up completely because of all the negativity. The truth of the matter is, there are plenty of women with endometriosis coping just fine and living normal lives, it's just we don't tend to talk about our experiences online.
I think panicking about pain is partly because it's the unknown. I actually think it will be helpful for you to get a proper diagnosis of what's going on in there. That way when you get pains you know what it is. It's not too long now until your lap, so I really hope they find some answers for you. Do you know if they plan to laser the endo then and there if they find any, or is it purely investigative?
I used to get different aches and pains all of the time. I kept a pain journal, wrote exactly what sensation I was experiencing and whereabouts, and how intense it was on a scale of 1 to 10. It helped me feel more in control of what my body was doing, and if it was a new pain I hadn't had before, it allowed me to monitor it so I could discuss it with my doctor if needed. I was under a gynae for the endo at the time so I would discuss the pain diary with them each time I went (I think it was about every 6 months). My pains were usually worse at night so I didn't get much sleep. I tried not to take painkillers unless it was really bad because I was in pain so often that being on medication all the time didn't seem like a good idea. I used hot water bottles and wheatbags a lot and when I was out and about or at work (yes, I managed to get a job once I'd dealt with the depression) I used heat pads and always had pain killers handy. I found foot massage and reflexology really helped the pains too.