I have the urge to offload this trauma while it is fresh in my mind. I really need to start the healing process or get some words of comfort from someone who’s been through this horror show and come out the other side. I’m struggling right now.
I hope this doesn’t frighten anyone as it pretty graphic
My miscarriage started like this: Two days before my 12 week scan I started very slightly cramping and spotting. It was the teeny, tiniest amount of brown discharge at first, the cramps were dull but ‘there’ and it was enough to make me feel uneasy. I tried and failed to get a doctor’s appointment but my GP receptionist told me to go to straight to A&E if I suspected a miscarriage. The discharge had increased to a light flow of watery brown sludge, but wasn’t red, or heavy so I tried to think positively. Google tells you spotting can be normal and common in pregnancy so I was clinging to that.
The next morning I tried calling a few of the phone numbers in my maternity notes folder and when I finally got through to someone, was again told to only worry if I was bleeding heavily and in pain. I wasn’t and figured that because I was due my scan the next day, I would just wait. I took it easy at home and the bleeding and cramps neither increased nor stopped.
On the day of the scan I was so anxious, which is heartbreaking as it should have been a happy and exciting day. Thinking back, the moment seems surreal. We just stared at the screen as the sonographer searched and searched for our baby – all that we could see was a big black empty sac. I just couldn’t believe what was happening.
She then gave me an internal scan and asked a colleague to come in and also look. They confirmed that the fetus measured no more 5/6 weeks – no heartbeat – within a 12 week sized sac. The baby had stopped growing very early on yet my body had continued to think it was pregnant, growing the sac and giving me every pregnancy symptom under the sun. I was / am absolutely devastated by this.
I was told it was likely that I would miscarry naturally due to the spotting and cramping, but I was to book a EGU scan for two weeks later, and was given info on medical management of the miscarriage – D&C or medicine – this conversation was all a blur though so I wasn’t thinking practically, I just wanted to get out of that stuffy room and cry.
We went home, I sobbed and mooched around, and then we went out for dinner and weirdly pretended it wasn’t happening for a few hours. We were both in shock I think. The next day I signed myself off work, and went back to bed feeling low, unbelievably sad and really anxious about actually miscarrying. The bleeding had now got a bit heavier, but still no more than a period, and the pain was dull and constant but totally bearable. I wasn’t sure what was to follow or when it would start. Could I pop to Tescos?
The low level bleeding carried on until the early hours of the morning three days later, when I woke up in pain similar to what I remember of labour pain – very intense and very painful. There was no mistaking that it was all kicking off. I went straight to the loo and passed lots of blood and clots. Over the next few hours the pain increased until I was in absolute agony, sobbing and screaming on the toilet. I passed clots the size of my palm and the blood flowed like a tap. A huge woosh was followed by a flurry of liver-like clots and it made me gasp and cry as it left my body – it felt so intense and strong.
I started to feel out of control when this had been going on for about three hours with no sign of it letting up. I’d sit on the loo as it flowed from me and then crawl back to bed only to be engulfed by another ‘contraction’ and the urge to actually push the clots out of my body – it got to the point where I no longer had the energy to make it back to the toilet so I was just lying and bleeding on a towel on my bed. I’d lost the ability to clean up the toilet after each visit and cried to my partner about all the blood – it was on the floor, on the seat, everywhere. I couldn’t contain it and the goriness of that really upset me.
My partner was now getting worried and wanted to call an ambulance, but I said to wait as I thought it was easing off a bit. I knew that there’d be blood and clots but was shocked about how much and how quickly it would be rushing from my body. I still wasn’t sure what warranted a hospital visit though. I drank a cup of tea, which tasted amazing and I tried to relax. After about another hour though, the bleeding was still full throttle and I started to feel really ill – I was sweating, yet felt freezing with chattering teeth. I was slumped by the toilet feeling dizzy and faint and the weirdest thing was that I couldn’t breathe properly, I was panting like I was at high altitude after only the slightest bit of movement. It was like my body was shutting down. I also caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and noticed my skin had turned a freaky colour – I looked like I was made of wax. This was the turning point when my partner knew I had to go to hospital and he went into emergency mode, bundling me up in the car and literally carrying me into A&E.
I was seen immediately but blacked out in triage as they tried to get me on the bed – I dread to think if I’d stayed at home any longer. I was put on two IV drips, one to stop the bleeding and one for fluids and was hooked up to the heart monitor. My blood pressure was ridiculously low and I felt so weak I honestly thought I was dying.
Still in A&E, a gynecologist arrived and he explained he was going to manually remove tissue that was blocking my cervix – apparently it was stuck and I wouldn’t stop bleeding until it was passed or removed. So with a speculum and long pair of scissor things, he got to work and I could feel it all flopping out of me (my partner told me not to look) as soon as he did this, the major pain stopped. I was asked if I wanted to see the tissue and had to sign a form about the disposal of it ☹
I was then given misoprostol tablets to expel what was left in my uterus and was I was moved to the acute assessment ward to complete the miscarriage – after this I was moved to a regular ward where I stayed overnight and just slept and slept and slept.
After a scan to confirm everything had been passed, I was discharged loaded with iron tablets, antibiotics and a rest order (blood pressure is still low). I’ve now been at home for a few days and am totally shell shocked about what happened, as well as feeling like I’ve been it by a truck. Not sure what I should try and deal with first – the physical or mental recovery. When will this feel easier?