Missed mc, feeling so sad and wishing we'd started ttc earlier

[catlike1979]

DH and I started TTC 2nd baby in January of this year, we already have a 2.2 year old DS. I'm 38, turn 39 this year. DH was ready to starting trying again about a year ago but I just didn't feel ready, DS felt like too much of a baby still and I couldn't imagine welcoming another baby into our lives.

We found out in Jan that I was pregnant (first time which was a shock as for DS we had to have fertility treatment), and I felt quite ambivalent about the pregnancy (still feeling "not ready"). We found out last week that the embryo had stopped growing and a missed mc was diagnosed. I had medical management and I'm still bleeding although not too much now.

I can kind of cope with the fact that this pregnancy wasn't meant to be and be quite philosophical about it, even though I'm crying most days, but I suddenly feel just very, very sad and regretful that we've left it until now to start trying. Why did I wait so long?? At 38 it's not like time is on my side. I'm freaking out about the age gap - if we get pregnant again first time the age gap will be 3 years minimum, but I'm terrified of having another mc, other problems etc. which will delay things even further.

I know there is no point going over the past but I'm just sat here crying, thinking if we'd have just started ttc a year ago, I'd probably have a baby now and I'm READY to have a baby now, I want it so much and now I'm back to square one. I didn't have the luxury of time so why did I delay things? So beating myself up and DH just doesn't understand - he's very much what's done is done and he doesn't want to go over the past.

Please help, feeling so low :-( xxx

@catlike1979 I'm the same age as you-39 in July and I've been diagnosed with a MMC (private scan last sat-should've been 8-9 weeks, measuring 5 weeks, scan mon at EPAU and baby hadn't grown at all, no HB and no blood flow-but Gotta wait till 4th April for another scan and absolute conf)

I haven't got any kids. Other half and I were very unsure about it but decided in sept to leave it to fate so came off the pill (which I've been on since I was 18) and got my BFP Feb 18th. We went from ambivalence to pure unadulterated joy and excitement-and realised we really truly do want a baby.

So last Saturday was just devastating. All that joy and hope replaced by gut wrenching grief and fear. Fear over why is happened (are all my eggs screwed from all those years of the pill) over wether or not that was our one chance and we've left it too late, And obv fear over what's to come (still waiting to miscarry, and terrified of what will happen if it doesn't go naturally-especially at my age as I need to be as gentle on my body as poss).

So I completely understand the worry over leaving it too late. I'm hoping for both of us that's not the case. But you are not alone xxx

@Laney79 thank you so much for your reply, and I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I've really struggled this week with being involved with my normal day to day life to be honest, but I'm feeling a little better today.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, waiting is the absolute worst part, you can't get any closure and part of you is still hopeful that it might be okay, I really feel for you.

I have tried this week to be kinder to myself about the decisions I've made, as at the time, they were the right decisions for me and I have to try to take strength from that.

I actually don't think either of us have left it too late, and that is becoming more apparent to me as I've thought more about it, but I suppose it would just have been easier a few years ago when we were say 35, not 38!

I really wish you well and sending lots of strength for your scan on 4th April, and you are not alone in your thoughts either xxx