Asking myself lots of questions after late miscarriage - no one to talk to IRL

[NotBurpeesAgain]

Hello,
I lost my baby boy on January 9th, at 18 weeks.
I manage my everyday life OK (job, eldest DCs...) and everyone thinks I am "over it". I get the occasional comments about how resilient I am. But I am not.
I cannot get over the feeling of the amniotic sac sliding out of my body and between my thighs.

At the first scan, even before the consultant told me there was something wrong, I saw that he was hardly moving. I keep asking myself if my son was in pain all this time. And then there are the metaphysical / religious questions : did he have a soul? If there is something after death, will I meet my baby boy one day? Does he know I love him, or is there nothing left of him but a pinch of ashes?

I am a very rational person and I know there is nothing I could have done to save him. But then, I think about those mothers who lift cars to free their trapped child - I was not able to perform a miracle for my child.
He had been dead for at least a couple of weeks when he was born and I did not feel anything different. His tiny heart took a last beat and stopped and I did not feel anything. Why didn't I feel my heart breaking at that moment?
My brain knows it was not anybody's fault but I am still feeling I was a horrible mother to him.

Can anyone help me to make it stop? I am not sure how much more pain I can take.

sands.co.uk are a great help. Sounds like you could do with someone IRL who has experience of this to talk it through.

So sorry OP.

I went through similar and no, you won't be over it right now.

Be very kind to yourself

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. You sound understandably devastated. It is still comparatively recent and therefore normal for you to be struggling with your feelings, even if you manage to put a brave face on it to others.

As you say, your brain knows that you could not have prevented this, but I think mothers often still question themselves over and over after such a traumatic loss. I think you will probably do this less after some time has passed, but right now, you are still in the acute phase of grief.

I have not had the same experience as you, but have some experience of grief, as I lost my Dad suddenly in Dec 2016, and have subsequently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Everyone grieves differently, but all I can say is that for me, talking about it helped a lot, and that things did get easier with time. You say there is no-one you can talk to IRL, but could you ask your GP to refer you to counselling? Or might there be a local support group or helpline (I suspect SANDS would be able to offer you support.

I wish you well, and hope that you can find the support and peace of mind you deserve.

I lost one of my girls to Edwards Syndrome six months ago (I also lost a girl to Downs sadly) and she was 17 weeks.

I was able to have a surgical termination as I didn’t feel I could cope with delivering the baby. I have coped quite well since but i have two living boys to concentrate my efforts on so I imagine that’s why I’ve been managing ok.

Do you think counselling could help you. I was having fertility acupuncture when I was trying to conceive DS2 and as part of this there was counselling. I think it was massively helpful to talk about things and cry a lot. I wonder if any of the pregnancy loss charities offer free counselling?

Thank you.
Do you really think counselling would help? I have trouble getting my head round the fact that it could help me without telling me anything I do not already know .

I am so very sorry. You have been through a hideous experience. There will always be unanswered questions and what might have beens.

You were his mother. so far away from a horrible mother. You gave him life and your body loved and cherished him. You are not responsible for his death. Just his life.

I carried a baby for weeks after she had died. I knew for a few days before I gave birth that she had died. This was 6 years ago.

I now know she had a condition that meant she could never have survived and would have died shortly after birth if she had. I am glad that she went peacefully whilst safe inside me, loved and safe in life and death. Just like your little boy.

In my experience time did help. I used think of my daughter when I hear someone calling her name, I now have a 4 year old who has a friend at school with the same name, I don't think of my little girl every time we talk of her friend.

I feel sadness sometimes, not every day, week or even month. Just when something - usually unexpected happens that reminds me. - We had had a quote for double glazing the day of the scan and if someone I know mentions they are having new windows it takes me back. Grief and pain is strange. I totally remember the all consuming devastation. There are moments when it hits me. But most of the time now my life is back to normal, moments of great happiness, moments of sadness and much day to day normality.

I think all you can do is know that whatever you are feeling it is normal. That the intensity will pass, but nothing can make it change quicker. Keep going a moment at a time. Love and remember you son. He was yours, you are his. Nothing can ever change that.

Sending love.

It definitely helped me. I just needed to cry it out. It wasn’t about unanswered questions, it was about having the space to feel devastated without bothering friends and family who I felt were sick of me dragging myself around. My acupuncturist has come to terms with her own infertility as she’d gone through the menopause early and sometimes we’d end up crying together. But it definitely helped. I did eventually go on to have DS2 a few days before my 42nd birthday. He is the most amazing creature I’ve ever known, beautiful and so clever. Total gift and I don’t think I’d have had him if it wasn’t for acupuncture and counselling.

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you have found peace.

DH is very busy at work at the moment and he will not talk about our son.
Our DDs talk about their brother a lot (DD2 says goodnight to him every night) and it helps, because it really makes him a member of our family.

Although I didn’t have formal counselling, I have a really good friend who just invited me round for coffee a lot, and just listened to me talk and cry when my Dad died. I cried a lot, and at first it felt as though I would never have a day without crying, but it gradually lessened.

I don’t think a counsellor tells you things you don’t already know, more that they ask the right questions to allow you to talk and cry, which ultimately helps you to move towards a place where you feel better, and the grief is no longer all-consuming. You may need to try a couple of counsellors to find one you feel really comfortable with. Maybe it is worth a go, and then if after a couple of sessions you feel it isn’t for you, then at least you know that? Maybe a support group with parents who have had a similar experience would be helpful?

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it felt like my life ended. I knew God had a plan, I knew He was in control, but I still kept asking myself why did this happen. It turns out that God really does have a plan. He knows what He's doing.
If I didn't have my miscarriage, me and my baby would have suffered greatly. I recently found out after multiple hospital stays, insane amounts of different kinds of and strong antibiotics, over 25 doctor appointments and over 10 different specialists that I have chronic recurring sub areola absess. After my mc, my breast became infected with mastitis. The doctors would treat the mastitis and there would still be some pain left. This went on for months until my breast became engorged. This whole thing was caused from my milk duct that had particles going into the duct.
I had to get my implants taken out because my infection got to be too bad. The antibiotics that cure leprosy actually put my milk duct into remission. It will most likely act up again,and when it does, I will need to get my milk duct surgically removed. This will most likely happen while I'm pregnant. I'm honestly terrified, but I have faith. I know God has a plan and everything will be okay.
God has a plan for us all. Pray to Jesus and ask for comort and answers. He will deliver. He always does.