8 weeks after missed m/c

[Hopeful]

Can anyone offer advice on post-mc issues?
I mis-miscarried (pgy 1) at 12 weeks and had a horrible time at the hospital with the D&C. Now 8 weeks on and the grief is still so powerful!
I feel ashamed of what has happened - like it happened to teach me a lesson - and feel I should be over it now (8 weeks).

I did go see my GP last week to chat about it. We decided not to go on meds bc I think my body's messed up enough as it is but he did take me seriously, understood me 100% and made suggestions which I'm trying to put into practice (journalling mainly).

I don't think DH understands why I'm still like this. He says I need to move on & he wants me to be happy. He's right, but HOW?

I would love to be happy again but it's not that simple.

I desperately want another baby yet am not sure I'm ready for it but when will I ever be ready?

All I want to do at the moment is do my crafts, go to work and go to sleep. I don't want DH to keep dancing around the house singing because he's trying to cheer me up.
I think I'm doing OK actually getting out of bed and getting dressed, going to work, preparing meals and keeping house but DH still says that I need to move on!! I've told him that I am doing what I can and that I am sorely tempted to not care about the house, garden, meals or work every single day but I still force myself to do those things with a smile.

On top of that we have lots of socialising to do ove rthe next few weeks with people staying with us and celebrations to attend. I just need to be alone or alone with DH at the moment. I don't want to do small talk all day.

Sorry...this has turned into a vent.

Hopeful, I can sympathise and I am sorry for what you are going through. Miscarriage is dreadful and sad.

After my first missed miscarraige (14 wks) I cried every day for months. I just couldnt move on. The month of my due date was especially hard. I also refused to have sex with dh as I couldnt cope with getting pg again. It was a very painful time and of course noone could really understand so I also felt very alone. I eventually did conceive again (over 2 years later) and had another missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. After the second one, although the grief was just as strong, I felt desperate to get pg again asap and did so within a few months. This was absolutely the right decision for me. You will know when the time is right for you but only you can decide that.

I expect lots of women tkae time to heal after a miscarriage so I dont think you should be concened about grieving for 8 wks. However, if you are concerned that you are not moving on then maybe you could have a word with your gp. Have you looked at the Miscarriage Association website? They can offer lots of support, I'll try to find a link for you.

Hopeful, I know just how you feel. I had a m/c and d&C in June and felt much the same way that you do. I think you just need to give yourself time to grieve. Everyone handles loss differently and it sounds like you are actually coping really well. I felt like I should be able to just get over it too but when I decided to just let myself experience all the sadness and regret that I was feeling it really helped. It was like I was putting so much pressure on myself to get on with things that I wasn't actually allowing myself to grieve. Does that make sense? I think it's still a bit difficult to talk about at times.

It helped me too to look up the stages of grief. It's something like shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance (you might want to double check me on that). It helped me to see that I had passed through some of the earlier stages and would eventually get through it. The hospital suggested I see their miscarriage counselor and that helped a lot. I saw her three times and it really helped clear my head. I do think men handle things differently and my DH seemed to be able to get over it more quickly too.

I think you just have to be kind to yourself right now. Cancel the socialising if you can and give yourself some quality time, if that's what you need. 8 weeks isn't that long to recover from such a loss. You'll get through it though in your own time.

I hope I can help a little. Do feel free to email me personally if you'd like to. Best of luck.

So sorry Hopeful - take as much space and time as you need to - Hugs {{{{}}} Twiga x

hopeful, I m/c in September a couple of years back and it took me a long time to get over it - the due date in May was very hard although luckily I was pg again by then with my beautiful dd2.

Be kind to yourself - you need time to grieve as others have said. My dh didn't really understand but I just got on with the grieving process without him.

A d&c can also make you feel low anyway for whatever reason (I felt quite depressed after having a d&c for retained placenta after the birth of dd2).

I think you sound as though you are coping admirably and should be congratulated for getting on with things.

Would it be the end of the world if you cancelled some of the guests you have coming to stay? You really should rest and do JUST what you want to do over the next couple of months IMO. x E

Huge hugs hopeful. I had a missed miscarriage and D&C in March and I found it the most painful thing to have to go through.

You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. But then I completely understand - I felt (and still feel) very very guilty about my miscarriage. Not because I believe I caused it - I know that it was just a genetic slip - but because I have never had anything go so wrong in all my 30 years and so I kind of deserved it. I can't really explain my feeling, but what I am trying to say is, part of the grieving process is to have really bizarre emotions. One thing I read was that any response to miscarriage is the right response! I really took this to heart.

Another thing that really helped me was some advice my GP gave me on the phone a few days before my d&c. I rang up to vent much as you have done today and after reassuring me she simply said to have no expectations of myself. Every time I feel things welling up again I remind myself that I am entitled to feel what I want, and if I want to retire to a darkened room I have every right to do so.

The miscarriage association is wonderful. Ring them up and they will give you a number to ring. This number will be a person who has had a similar experience to you, who is a volunteer sitting at home waiting for calls to come in, and who is trained basically to listen. I went on a training day, so I have faith that they would be really good. When you ring the central number and they give you the volunteer's number, they also let the volunteer know to expect you - so the system really does work.

The other major support I had was from everyone on Mumsnet. I felt a bit bad about continually coming back to offload, but everyone was always really very very supportive.

Lesley Reagan's book "Miscarriage" is also very good.

One last thing (sorry - I've gone on for ages). Have you told people? I didn't - people didn't even know I was pregnant - for quite some time as it was too painful and I really didn't want to talk about it. But then I discovered that a few brief words or one very carefully phrased e-mail meant that they knew but knew to say nothing, and understood if you suddenly burst into tears or walked out of the room.

Big hugs, darling, and feel free to e-mail if you want to let out more of a vent!

I suffered my 4th miscarriage last month. I am lucky to have a gorgeous 3 year old son but before he was born I had two missed miscarriages, then an ectopic pregnancy last year and another missed miscarriage last month. I coped really well this time and had much more support than ever before, but I am feeling worse now than I was when I was actually losing my baby. There are pregnanct people everywhere I turn and I feel a failure of a mother to my son as I cannot provide him with a sibling.
I have had hormone levels checked, and my partner and I have also undergone sperm and ovulation checks and they find nothing wrong - I know this shold be re-assuring but then why do my babies keep dying? I am told it is "just bad luck", but that the rate is 1 miscarriage in 5 pregnancies. I have had 1 BIRTH in 5 pregnancies.
I have experienced a D and C and also the natural/conservative method of miscarriage so if anyone needs advice regarding these please ask.
Has anyone undergone GENETIC COUNSELLING or CHROMOSOME TESTS as I feel this may be my next step?
Thanks in advance x

Deb5, I've had 3 m/c in the last year and my local hospital told me it was bad luck and to keep trying. However, after much pushing I got a referal to St Mary's in paddington who have an excellent m/c clinic. One of top two in the country I belive. After extensive tests I was found to have sticky blood, APS I think the medical condition is. Apparantly it is quite common and is treated by taking aspirin in pregnancy to thin the blood. I too can reccomend Lesley Regan's book. It has quite alot of inormation about this subject. Have you been tested for this? I have a DS 2.5 who was born at 29 weeks. The consultant also said my condition was the reason for the prem birth. If you or anyone else would like more advice on this or St Mary's I will be happy to share my experiences.

clio - many thanks for your response to my worries, I have looked up APS on the internet and will ask my consultant tomorrow about this. I have previously been tested for platelets, blood clotting, etc, but I am unaware as to whether I have been tested for APS.
Many thanks to you again.

Dear Hopeful and Deb5 ... I am so sorry that you are both going through this. There are many people on Mumsnet who have had one or more miscarriages and will be very willing to chat about their experiences with you. I know that when I had my miscarriage (November 2002) Mumsnet was the most fantastic support to me ...
Deb5, I am lucky to have only had one m/c ... to have had 4 is just too too sad for you and I just can't even begin to contemplate how you must be feeling ... hugs {{{}}}
Hopeful, your original post struck a chord with me .... I went through all sorts of different kinds of emotions when I miscarried, pretty much all of the ones that tex listed there. The thing I remember most was the feeling of "Something isn't right here ... this isn't in my 'script' ... this happens to other people .... not to me!".
Like Fisil I went on to feel that maybe I deserved it as I had never had anything really bad happen to me before.
I also had major guilt because when I was 6 weeks pregnant I had a row with DH (can't even remember what it was about) and shouting at him something along the lines of "I can't believe I married you and can't believe I am bringing another baby into this ... " (one of those awful, heat of the moment, throw away comments) ... and then later thinking that maybe the baby had 'heard' me and didn't want to be born ... I don't think I will ever truly forgive myself for that.
I also had a very close friend who was due around the same time as me and she went on to have a trouble free pregnancy and her beautiful DD was born on the due date of my baby ... that was really really hard. Incidentally I also found out that due date that I was pregnant again the the product of that pregnancy is now sleeping peacefully next door .... so that due date was a strange, bitter sweet sort of day.

Oh dear ... I can see this is going to be a long post ... sorry ...

DH ... found it hard to cope with my grief too. I totally relate to what you say. Later, when we could talk about it without my falling to bits he explained that to him the baby was not yet real ... and as much as he felt sad for our loss he had had no feelings for the actual baby. I think this is common for men. My DH fell in love with DS and DD the moment he saw them but really throughout the pregnancies he felt removed from the whole thing ... he admits that. He even felt freaked out by my bump moving ... again, I think he is not alone in that. Your DH most probably feels sad, but sad for you, not for himself ... to him the baby wasn't yet real, but for you that weeny little thing inside you was a whole person ... Talk about Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus and all that.
FWIW My DH also used to do silly things to try to make me laugh and it drove me insane. I just buried myself into looking after DS and starting my business to try and forget about it. But do you know what? Even though nearly two years have gone by and I do have a beautiful 6 month old daughter now I still think about that baby that was ... every single day. I know this sounds a bit silly but although I am not particularly religious I say a little prayer to that baby every day. To me I feel that it is still with me and is my own personal little angel somewhere, watching over me.

In some ways having a child already made my m/c a bit easier as I had my DS to keep me occupied. In fact his 3rd birthday party was less than 2 weeks after the miscarriage and 2 days after my D&C and I just couldn't bear for it to get in the way of his day BUT on the other had I did have a few comments of "Well, you have one, so it can't be all that bad!" But having one didn't make the pain go away .....

I have gone on too much ...
I am sorry ... Sending lots of hugs and sympathy to you ... be gentle to yourself, don't over do things, let the grief ride its natural course. You will never 'get over it' but time will heal you and as time goes one you will feel less sad.

Hugs {{{{{}}}}}

Hopeful: Try to follow everyone's advice about not being hard on yourself. Everything I have read (and experienced) suggests that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. This is the perfect place for you to vent; sadly, many of us have been where you are and some of us are even here with you now...
There is a point to going on and on about it. It is all part of the grieving process and you need to take as much time and say as many things as you want to in order to help the healing process. Not that it will ever go away, but hopefully with time, it will fade.
You SHOULD be proud of yourself for getting out of bed each day and getting on with your life as much as you possibly can. My children are honestly the only reason that I drag myself through some of the hard days.

deb5: I am sorry that you are feeling so low. I do think that it is normal to feel worse somewhat after the fact. When you are swept up in the practical and medical aspects of your miscarriage at the time of the loss you don't have much time to think or grieve. I hope that you have some anwers or (a healthy pregnancy) to bring you some peace soon.

Clio: How long did it take you to be seen by St Mary's? (sorry for being selfish on someone else's thread)

deb, APS is a blood clotting disorder so if you have had your blood clotting tests, then you have probably ben tested for APS (antiphospholipid syndrome). The Hughes Syndrome website has more info here

Good luck to you and Clio and everyone else who is trying to cope with miscarriage. As time passes it does get easier but, like Ghosty, not a day goes by when I dont think about my 2 lost babies.

canadianmom - there can be a long waiting list at St Mary's - I waited six months last year. you are told not to try for a baby during that time and when you finally get to the clinic you hope and expect the medical side of things to happen quickly.

BUT be warned. although the people are lovely, all the tests they want to do take months, and it can be very nerve-wracking if you are no spring chicken. I wish I had known in advance how long it would all take as I was very upset when I finally found out. They get you to have all sorts of blood tests in advance of your appointment and say it's so you will have the results when you arrive, so you expect them to have answers not more tests!

Anyway, I had a happy ending and was lucky. No serious problems, got pregnant as soon as it was "allowed", and had a lovely DS2.

Dear Hopeful, the truth is you will always remember, it is just the pain that diminishes, but sometimes will surface again. I didn't realise just how depressed my 3 miscarriages had made me, until recently. If you talk to people you will find more women have had m/cs than you think, and will be incredibly supportive, as is the miscarriage Association. Thinking of you.

canadianmom - there can be a long waiting list at St Mary's - I waited six months last year. you are told not to try for a baby during that time and when you finally get to the clinic you hope and expect the medical side of things to happen quickly.

BUT be warned. although the people are lovely, all the tests they want to do take months, and it can be very nerve-wracking if you are no spring chicken. I wish I had known in advance how long it would all take as I was very upset when I finally found out. They get you to have all sorts of blood tests in advance of your appointment and say it's so you will have the results when you arrive, so you expect them to have answers not more tests!

Anyway, I had a happy ending and was lucky. No serious problems, got pregnant as soon as it was "allowed", and had a lovely DS2.

Dear Hopeful, the truth is you will always remember, it is just the pain that diminishes, but sometimes will surface again. I didn't realise just how depressed my 3 miscarriages had made me, until recently. If you talk to people you will find more women have had m/cs than you think, and will be incredibly supportive, as is the miscarriage Association. Thinking of you.

Hopeful, I had a missed/miscarriage 5 years ago. I went for the scan and well you know the rest. I thought I was so strong, my dh was in a real state. I got pg again 2 months later with DS2 and all was going well until at the end of the pregnancy I went numb down one side. I was so ill at the end with this numbness. I had every test going before and after the birth including 2 MRI scans. It was only 2 years later I started reading about panic attacks.
To cut a long story short I'd kept my grief in and the end result was this crippling condition. I'm ok now but anyone who's suffered will tell you they wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy.
All I'm trying to say is you are right to grieve, don't be like me and bottle it up to please or protect others hun. God bless xxxxxx

I don't think you ever 100% get over it, the pain lessens and it recedes in your brain but it is always there.

I lost my first baby as an ectopic pregnancy at 11 weeks and because it was so late I lost a tube too. The upset from that was enormous and I still harbour things about it today even though I now have two beautiful children aged 4 and 1.

What I would say is that you cannot expect too much of yourself and you need to accept that you are sad. Beating yourself up and telling yourself to get over it isn't going to work. You need to accept the grief. This probably doesn't help at all but I just want you to know that you can't just snap out of it however much you try to force yourself to.
All the very best
Sarah

Sorry, this is a slightly different subject, but Clio, if you're still reading this thread, is there anywhere particular for good information about APS? I had a premature baby last year, and also a large DVT at the same time, but no-one ever suggested to me that the two things could be related. I'm now wondering if this could be a connection? I had a blood test in the haematology department - called a thrombophilia screen I think, but I don't know exactly what they checked for.

Hopeful, I to was in your shoe's in around that time, it was only till i found this site and had a good read through that i should take one day at a time.. Ikeep myself to myself as i need to do that somtimes and keep busy. I also had a d&C which i found hard to deal with at the time, To be honest i had so many injections that day i bearly remember.. When it was all over people forgot about what had happened and i found that so hard.. (how could they just forget, but i have found people find it hard to talk about) I have 2 couples staying with us this wkend and i hate the though of small talk but i have to do it and its good for me to do it.. Going for walks alone can help i found, although every day goes by you will never forget.. I hope you are feeling better..

PS: Keep smilingsmile (in my own weird way i do think it helps)