Stillborn

[NM89]

Hi all,

On November 21st 2017, I went for a 32 week scan appointment and was told that my baby girl had no sign of a heartbeat.
After a 64 hour labour I gave birth to my beautiful girl; Riya on 23rd November 2017.

It's been three months and I am still struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened.
I guess I'm on here to share my "story" with others who may have experienced something similar. It's heart-breaking and I can not even put into words the pain of losing her.

Sending hugs. Can't imagine the pain both mentally and physically. So sorry.

Oh OP that's so sad, so sorry for your loss. Afraid I don't have any wise words or similar experience to offer but just wanted to say how much I feel for you

Nm89 it's such early days. You carried this loved previous being for 32 weeks and to lose Riya was devastating. It will be some time before you come to terms with your loss, it's okay to cry, mourn and grieve. It's very very recent.

Be kind to yourself, think freely of her and talk about her often. I know people will feel awkward and skirt round your loss but you need to be able to talk about her to come to terms with your grief. In the spring plant a tree or shrub in her memory.

In our thoughts OP.

Sorry for your terrible loss x

I know personally two families who have had still borns in recent years. Both died during labour at full term. Both familes fund raised to pay for cold cots with their childs’ names on them for other families. I think it was a positive thing to focus on during such a difficult time to help them through it. I dont know if fundraising for a particular cause would help you too?

Rae2017 - Thank you for taking out the time to get your condolences.

Dixeychick - Thank you for taking out the time to get your condolences.

Worldworstccok - Thank you for taking out the time to get your condolences.
Everything is still very raw, I’m experiencing so many emotions I wouldn’t ordinarily, from envy to jealousy, when I see babies and pushchairs. I find it so difficult each and every day, both emotionally and physically to overcome this hurdle.
Me and OH have started to try, Riya will never be replaced but I feel only a Brother and Sister for Riya could help fill the void.

Sorry for your loss of dear little Riya x

Lovely name by the way.

So sorry lovely. I too have suffered a stillbirth at 32 weeks, sadly thanks to DV. It's been ten years since I lost my boy, sadly i can't tell you it goes away or gets easier. But you do learn to 'handle' it i guess. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, or how to manage your grief, do what you feel you have to do. And be kind to yourself xx

So terribly sad and sorry to hear about little Riya.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, I lost my son at 34 weeks in 2010. It does get easier with time x have you been in touch with sands? They helped me a lot in the early days

So sorry to read what you've went through. Heartbreaking. I have friends who had a wee boy who was stillborn and it's heartening to hear them talk about him xxx

troodiedoo - Thank you. Means a lot to me.

mustbemad17 - Sorry to probe, but what’s DV? Thank you for the kind words. If you don’t mind me asking how long after did you get pregnant again? I hope you’ve been blessed with happiness.

Buttonz- Thank you

fudgecat - My Husband has got in contact with sands. Struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you’ve been blessed with happiness since

fia101 - Thank you. And yes it is heartbreaking. No words to describe losing your own child

Op, I'm browsing all over the place after another miscarriage and your post really struck a chord. What a beautiful name for your girl. Wishing you a rainbow sibling for your baby.

I'm so very sorry NM89
It's absolutely heartbreaking that you lost your beautiful Riya.
I know how it feels, I too lost a darling baby girl I was almost 24 weeks.
Everything will feel so raw still, it's very early days for you. I'm 6 years on and I think about her every single day, still get upset often too.
I'm not going to bullshit you so won't tell you that it gets easier, it doesn't sadly. But you will find a way of coping in the best way that you can and you will find, with time, little pieces of 'normal' life will slowly return. It takes time but I promise you that it will.
Be kind to yourself.
Sending you love, strength and hugs xx

Dear NM89

I am so sorry to hear that your baby girl, Riya died.
I was in the same position in May last year, my partner and I lost our baby boy Edward, when the midwife couldn't find his heartbeat at 38 weeks. We were and still are devastated.

There really are no tips I can give you to try to help you through, the only thing you can do is try to not rush through your emotions. You can't rush grief. Seek help if you feel you need to speak to someone, such as a bereavement counsellor or someone close to you who you trust, there are some SANDs groups also where parents of angel babies meet, perhaps this would be something for you to consider going to. This for me was too much - I couldn't imagine seeing all that pain in reality so I never went.

When we first lost Edward, I couldn't imagine being in such a massive amount of pain for the rest of my life.
Now, approaching a year down the line, I still feel the pain and I miss my boy everyday but it's now different and it is something I have come to accept.

The only thing I would suggest is that you remember your little angel as much as you can, plant a tree in her memory or a little garden. Speak her name and don't feel afraid to do so. I love talking about Edward, as painful as it is to be without him.

Just after losing Edward I spent pretty much every day in the garden, painting fences, making a rockery, generally tidying up, just keeping myself occupied. I also listened to some podcasts about stillbirth and stories of other families who had lost children in the same situation.
It's tough, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Have people you trust near by. I didn't want to be surrounded by people because I found it too suffocating but knowing they were there if I needed them was enough for me and my friends understood that I needed space.

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. I wish there were something I could tell you to ease your pain.
It does get better, time is a great healer. All you can do is take things one day at a time.

Lots of Love and hugs to you xx

NM89 DV is domestic violence, sadly my boy's dad was a cruel bully. Even after my boy's death he made me feel so guilty.

I had my DD at 23, so was four years later. My lad wasn't planned & I had to deal with the abuse etc before I could move forward. My DD is now nearly 6 🙂 I'm also 25 weeks pregnant with another little boy, which was a big big heart tug at first. Now i've bonded massively with him & know that his brother is watching us.

Nobody can say when is the right time, only you guys. And your daughter will never see her siblings as replacements 💖

I just wanted to say too, i could never face counselling or support groups at the time. It took me until last year - so nine years - to eventually be able to go to a counsellor & unbury the feelings I had harboured about it all. I feel a lot better for it & have let go of a lot of anger & guilt, but i don't think i could have managed it before then as i wasn't strong enough.

Please don't anybody beat themselves up or feel they somehow aren't handling things because they can't face counselling or support groups etc. Everything comes in its own time & in its own way

I am so very sorry.

I'm so sorry OP. Different to you, but I lost twins at just under 23 weeks.

Losing a child is devastating, life is never the same again. It's also very individual and different people cope in different ways. We went to SANDS groups and talked to other bereaved parents, we do special things each year to remember them. Eventually we had another baby which helps (although obviously doesn't replace the baby you lost).

Get support from as many different places as you can, including here.

I'm so sorry to read about the death of Riya. What a beautiful name. My daughter Beatrice was stillborn in early January 2017. I went into hospital when I hadn't felt her move much that day to be told there was no heartbeat. We opted for a full post mortem but they couldn't find any cause, she was perfect.

I took ten months off work and I also spent a lot of time outdoors as someone mentions above. I walked as often and as far as I could, every day. I needed a physical outlet for the emotional pain and I really learned to love nature and the countryside. I spent a lot of time alone, especially at first. I do have an older living daughter who was 2.5 when her sister died, I couldn't look after her all day every day so she was with her childminder 3 days a week. I felt so selfish at the time but I really needed space and quiet to heal and that meant the time I did have with her was really appreciated by us both.

I attend monthly Sands meetings and have also found the Sands online forum helpful. I also accessed a specialist bereavement counsellor who was formerly a midwife. She offers couples counselling which was important at first but we also saw / see her separately. I was desperate to feel 'better' and I can say that the agonising pain isn't as raw one year on but is still very real and I will always miss my beautiful youngest girl.

I am pregnant now, almost 15 weeks. It hasn't been easy to get here and I still have a long road ahead, which is terrifying. I conceived last summer too but miscarried (the cause was found and was unrelated to Bea's death). I understand the need to try again, I felt the same (still do!).

I wish I could help you as the early days really are the very worst but I think you will find light in your life again. Feel free to PM me and maybe we will see you on the Sands boards.

Hi @NM89
I am so sorry for the loss of Riya. It is devastating. We lost our beautiful girl in September 2017 at 27 wks. The feelings of isolation and feeling lost I can completely understand.
I have read many many blogs. Listened to podcasts about grief. Have read grief works the book (and will probably read more books now as I found that one quite helpful). I have also become part of the baby loss community on instagram. Which is an incredibly supportive place where us baby loss moms can just share our babies and our feelings. There is also #babylosshour on twitter on a Tuesday evening at 8pm, I think this weeks topic is loss after the neonatal period, but there is a new topic every week. So far we have covered things like returning to work, accessing support in your area, remembering your baby, anniversaries etc.
I have also found SANDS really helpful.
We aren't trying yet as we have a couple of potential medical things that we need to get to the bottom of first. But if we didn't need to wait for those reasons we would definitely be trying now. Having held her in my arms and smelt her and seen my DH face when he saw her, of course we have to try again. But what an anxious time that will be.
All the best to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
We lost our baby girl on the 18th Feb so everything is very new to us. Reading everyone's stories is very reassuring.
People have told me it isn't something you get over but it gets easier with time.
We have Abbie's funeral on Tuesday which will be very hard and I hope we can get through it together.

Feel free to PM me any time you would like to chat. Talking helps some people and it may help you. Take care of yourself x

Hi @NM89 I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

It's very early days. I lost my son in 2015 at 27 weeks and it is only since Christmas I would say where I feel like the grief and loss doesn't define me. I will never be over it, I know that, but it doesn't consume me every day.

How are you feeling? Are you still on maternity leave and have you had any contact with sands? Their support group has been a lifeline for me.

I know 1 million per cent I will never ever experience pain like loosing my son ever again. I know how hard it is.