Grieving for what could have been

[expectopatronumm]

At my first scan, the baby was found to have an enlarged bladder and I was referred to a consultant. To cut the story short, after a few appointments with the consultant and a specialist, we were told the baby's organs had stopped developing and we were looking at the baby either dying during the pregnancy or as soon as he is born. We had to make the extremely difficult decision to terminate. I wouldn't have done it if I was given at least a 1% change of survival but I was told there was absolutely no hope at all. So at 13 weeks, I was induced and gave birth to a poor unlucky still born baby. The nurse who was with me told me after she saw the baby that I would have definitely miscarried if I hadn't had the termination.

My heart is broken. I have been told it is not my fault but I can't help blame myself. I desperately wanted a girl as I wanted my daughter(she is 5) to have a little sister. She really wanted a sister too. Because of the issues with the pregnancy and extra scans, they were able to find out early on it was a boy. I can't help wondering if it was karma or fate punishing me for not wanting a boy. And now I've lost my little boy who will never know how much he was and is still loved even though he never had a chance. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling this way.

People say we can try again. Some days I think I want to start trying right away and then I feel terribly guilty for it means I am trying to replace the baby I lost. When I am sat on my own thinking about all this, I work myself up into a state worrying something will happen to my 5 year old and I'll lose her too. That I'll be punished again.

When I fell pregnant, i subscribed to a lot of baby sites that still send me emails almost daily. Each of those emails remind me of what could have been. At school, my daughter was overheard telling her classmate she 'wasn't having a baby brother any more because he had died'. Small things like these just refresh the pain each day.

We had plans. We were going to be a family of four. I know my loss and pain is nothing compared to what a lot of people have to endure but I am upset. It is so unfair that my baby never got a chance!

Soon after the termination, to make things feel normal at home, I took my daughter to watch Coco. I will never to be able to listen to 'remember me' without having my heart ripped apart.

I don't know why I am writing all this here; just using this as an outlet. I am fine 99% of the time but when I am alone, I feel sad. I am lucky to have really supportive family, friends and colleagues and I know I should be grateful for that; I am.

I just want my baby to know he is loved more than he will ever know. I know I'm being silly as at 13 weeks, it wasn't even a fully formed baby. But in my heart, he will always be my first son who I never got to hold. 💔

I'm so sorry to hear this. Losing a baby is devastating and dealing with the added emotions due to your situation it certainly is so much harder. Have you thought of naming your son? Friends of mine had 2 late miscarriages and a stillbirth due to termination of a baby in similar circumstances to yours. They named each and have something to remember each by. Every year they recognise the day they lost their child. Now these may not work for you but it might be something to consider so you don't feel like you're replacing them?

I couldn't bring myself to give him a name. And my husband too thought that was the best thing to do at the time. We kept referring to him as 'the baby' or 'it' to make it easier. It's only now I'm wondering if that had been the right thing to do. I will forever remember the day we lost him though. I've planted a little sapling that will hopefully grow and remind me of him.

That's a lovely thing to have done. I bought a teddy and keep him in my son's memory box. We just refer to the baby we lost as Bubba. Any future pregnancy will have to have a different name. Do what you feel comfortable with. Nothing will replace the baby you lost but it doesn't mean you can't have another one. It may just take a little time before you're ready to try.

I am so sorry. I lost my baby boy at 18 weeks in January, probably to a chromosomal anomaly. I had not subscribed to any emails but I am still receiving official letters and everytime the pain takes my breath away.

We had made lots of plans too - we wanted to buy a new house and move during my parental leave. DH was looking for a 7-seater. My daughters are devastated (my 5-year-old cries a lot when she thinks about her little brother).

Time will probably bring some peace (I know several women who lost babies much later than me in their pregnancies and they are not crying all the time), but in the meantime do not minimize your loss. You had a much-loved baby who had a very short life.

You can still give your baby a name.

Hello and sorry to hear your story.
I had a late termination due to a severe heart defect picked up at 22 wk scan. The prognosis was grim. It was an awfully sad time and I can relate to your feelings.
I bought a bracelet which I had engraved with babies name (we decided to name baby as we had a funeral) I wear it daily and it brings me great comfort. It took me a while to not feel really sad all the time but I pulled through. I think of her every day though and it was 9 years ago. Planting a tree is beautiful. Take it Day by day and try not to blame yourself or look for reasons...

I also wrote a letter to our baby explaining how I felt and I found that very helpful putting words down on paper

Thank you, ladies. I am sorry for all your losses too. We will be fine. We will forever remember our little lost angels and their memories will only make us stronger. And ready to face anything. For me, this loss has put so many things into perspective. I've realised some things I thought were important don't matter at all.