Late miscarriage- 20 weeks

[ugghhreally]

I lost my daughter at 20 weeks 3 months ago. I thought I'd turned a corner but things have come crashing down again.

I'm still waiting for the post mortem results and to get her back so I can have her funeral.

I feel sick, angry. I literally haven't eaten anything since Sunday afternoon - thought makes me want to vomit. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I can feel myself being really unreasonable with people, my poor husband in particular and I just can't stop myself.

I get that things will get better and time is meant to heal, but it's little consolation as I'm just not seeing it at the moment.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is no wonder you feel like you do. Some people will understand, others won't but the important thing is to give yourself time and permission to feel awful and sad. And not to take it to heart if others don't get it or say the wrong thing. Most people mean well or have no idea how it feels. Waiting for post mortem and funeral are prolonging the ordeal and it must be tough. Take care of yourself and just do what you need to to get through it day by day. Big hugs.

I'm so sorry OP. You're going through one of the most difficult experiences anyone could right now and I think you just have to try and get through hour by hour. No one is going to expect you to be reasonable you are in the midst of terrible grief. I'm so sorry about your baby daughter.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have a date for the appointment to get the post-mortem results so you have something to aim for? Are you talking to anyone like a counsellor or SANDS helpline for support?

Hi Ugg, I lost my little boy at 22 weeks three years ago and remember the wait between the post mortem and funeral. For me it still didn't feel quite real although I was definitely in a deep pit of grief. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl...there are no words are there to describe the utter sadness. It took me two years to get to a point where I could even say his name and I found that anger/irritability was definitely part of the process, in fact I became quite insular and would say I am a changed person as a result...more tolerant with some that have experienced hardship and less tolerant with others if that makes sense. Everyone reacts differently but for me it took a good two years to feel anywhere near (my new) normal. I think about him every day and certain times of the year can be painful - what would have been his birthday/mother's day etc. but I have started to come to terms with it so that my grief sits alongside me instead of flooring me. So sorry you are having to go through this...just wanted you to know that you are not alone and what you're feeling isn't unusual and I also remember wanting to go to sleep and never waking up feelings too x

Thank you for your lovely messages and I'm sorry for your losses. It really is the worst.

I've had progress of sorts, in that I received a call from the pathology lab saying I can arrange for the undertakers to collect my daughter today (I lost her when I was up north, ironically for a funeral that I missed due to the labour).

I'm pleased that I can now organise a funeral, but it feels so final (I know it is) and has brought back the guilt I felt at leaving her at the hospital to be sent off for tests. I just can't stop crying.

No idea when the post mortem results will be ready - only guestimate I've been given is 3 weeks. I'm dreading it as I had had a really bad run of luck healthwise and really don't know what I will do if it was something I should have picked up on. My job is very pressurised and I stupidly didn't take a step back and didn't even really notice I was ill until my family intervened.

I know what you mean about feeling a different person Lavender. It is weird. I look the same, but yes I too feel very different and just don't want to spend time with anyone, to the point where I deliberately keep earphones in at work so no one talks to me.

I wish you all well. The only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment are the ridiculous walks I'm doing - I'm luck to work near Tower Hill so have started going for lovely long walks along the river at lunchtime and in the evening!

x

Hi @ugghhreally
Just wanted to say that I am sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. We lost our little girl at 27 weeks in September. The waiting is awful. Waiting for results and now we are waiting for referrals for further tests so it's just all very emotionally difficult.
I go walking every lunchtime too, I find it gives me the headspace to just think about her. We have now passed her due date, which in some ways has helped as I know that physically she should be here now, it helps to no longer feel like i should be still pregnant.
Life is hard. We have both sought out some counselling, it does help to just sit in a room and let all the words out.
Please please don't blame yourself, it is a completely natural reaction and one I do myself every day, but it is very likely to have been something that you could in no way influence.
I hope that you find planning the funeral ok, again, I found this a really helpful step as it was something I could do as her parent. My parents tried to step in and help us and I had to tell them to back off. They were only trying to be kind though, I know that.
The Sands forum is a great resource if you are up to it, lots of people sadly in very similar circumstances. Pm me if you want to just chat to someone. All the best.

Hi Miami, so sorry for your loss x Looking back I also did a lot of walking and definitely this headspace too. And I also received counselling with Cruise. The first counsellor I visited was not good and didn't help but if you find someone who can work alongside you, it really helps x Later on, I expressed myself through writing - poetry or just writing down my thoughts, this helped me to put things in some kind of order too. I also recognise the blame thing - I was convinced it was my fault despite no cause found (or a potential blood clot on the placenta but there was a big question mark over this) - it very rarely is anyone's fault in situations like this. It is the hardest thing I have experienced...wishing you all the best ladies x

Thanks Miami, I'm sorry for your loss too. You're right the waiting is awful. I had a call yesterday saying the PM results are ready, so I'm going to follow that up next week - I've lined up a private consultant to go through things, tests etc. I'm relieved but terrified at the thought of the results, but woke up strangely calmer today and am hoping it stays like that for now...

Thought I would update. We've received the pm results. Funeral was today. We awoke to snow so I'll always think of her when it snows. Seeing my husband carry her tiny coffin into the chapel was heartbreaking. Dreading work tomorrow, but will have to pick each battle...

@ugghhreally I hope that Monday went as well as it could. Did the pm results help in any way? We found our meeting useful in that it drew a line through a lot of potential causes. Not fully resolved yet, but still feels better then before the meeting where I just spent all my time frantically googling things.
I hope you are doing ok.