Feeling so sad tonight

[RaindropDreams]

I lost my beautiful little boy last April at 16 weeks, came as a huge shock and was very traumatic as I went into spontaneous labour, lost a lot of blood and required emergency surgery which I declined for hours because I wanted to be with my boy. In the end they took the choice away from me because I was dying. We held a small private funeral and I struggled for a very long time afterward and still have down days. I keep his ashes right next to my bed still too.

In June sil phoned and was apprehensive to tell us she was expecting her third baby ... was ecstatic for them, truly and have been all the way through and it's been a difficult pregnancy for her with some scary times too.

Dh was on the phone to his mum this afternoon talking about sil and how she's going to be induced soon due to complications so baby will definitely be here within next 3 weeks. I really am excited for them and can't wait to be an auntie but I'm just feeling so so sad, I am sat here with my eyes filling with tears and I just want to scream. I can't cry because my children are around and I can't tell my husband that I feel this way. I feel awful that I do. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I a horrible person?

You're not a horrible person, it's a natural response. I lost my little boy in April last year at 15 weeks and I feel like you a lot of the time. When people announce pregnancies or birth, when I see really cute baby clothes in shops or when my period starts again and I am wishing it wouldn't.

I think the feeling happy and sad at the same time makes you feel worse because then you have guilt on top of the sadness. And it makes it hard to discuss because you feel like a mega bitch. I've found people do understand though and they don't think badly about you because of it. You are grieving.

Go and have a really good sob in the toilet, give your children and extra big cuddle and then tell your husband how you're feeling over a glass of wine. That's what I do.