Currently sat in a hospital bed following medical management of a 9+5 week old fetus that was found to have no heartbeat at the routine dating scan at 12+3. I'd had no loss of symptoms or anything to suggest things were amiss.
I was referred that day to epau where they gave me my options and I decided on medical management. I've had a natural miscarriage at 7-8 weeks and a medical termination at 6 weeks over the last ten years. I thought these things would help me cope with today's events. In reality I think today has helped me heal from the past.
I was admitted to hospital at 7pm after waiting all day for a phone call to tell me there was a bed for me. The day has dragged knowing what was ahead of me. I didn't want to say goodbye to my baby but I knew it had to be done.
Baby had passed away 3 weeks before we found out about it so I didn't want expectant management as in essence we'd been doing that unknowingly for the last 3 weeks. I didn't want an anaesthetic and wanted chance to say goodbye to my baby so surgical was out, besides the risk of scarring and infection.
I was apprehensive of the medical management as the termination I had wasn't the smoothest and I found it very traumatic as I didn't do it for me and have regretted it ever since. I had all the tablets required in one day due to staff shortages and was sent home to bleed. Although the bleeding started promptly it took 2 weeks of pain to pass the sack.
This put me off choosing this option this time but I almost felt I deserved to go through it again and that was how baby was meant to be born if they had grown big enough to stay with us. So I went ahead.
I was given the first lot of tablets under my tongue at 8.30pm. I asked for, and was given codeine and paracetamol as I take them routinely anyway. It took the edge off the grumbly stomach ache for a while. At 11.30pm, after no progress or bleeding I was given a second dose of misoprostol. Within half an hour I was in agony. The doctor came and I was given oramorph. It eased it a little but still hurt. I could feel the contractions come in an almost continuous wave.
By 2am I couldn't cope and asked for further pain relief. I was given more paracetamol and codeine and then a third dose of misoprostol at half 2. I couldn't stand unaided by this point and I'll not lie, it hurt like hell. I got through it because I had to with the help of DP. The nurse looking after me asked if I had any bleeding yet so I got up to check. Constant agony, worse than any period or previous loss, I couldn't sit, stand, lay or move as I had pressure on my cervix. Went to the loo, still nothing on the pad and only a smidge of brown when I wiped. I was feeling so disheartened. I tried pushing to see if anything happened but zilch.
As I was helped back onto my bed whilst crying with pain, I felt a pop and a gush like a tap had been turned on and I got DP to drag me off the bed quick to save the sheets and my trousers. It was my waters breaking. The pain reduced instantly. I went and sat on the loo with the cardboard bowl and felt a couple of blobs pass. There wasn't much blood but there in the bowl was my baby. 29mm of perfectness. I could see the little arms and legs, the eyes nose and mouth, the ribs and what I think was knee caps. After that the biblical sea of red began. It's still flowing since its only 2.5 hours since I had my baby but it's nothing pain wise compared to earlier. Apparently I still have to pass the placenta. The big stringy clots I thought might be it weren't according to the nurse.
The pads I was given are huge and they are marvellous. I wouldn't dare leave the loo without them at the moment. I'm also sat on a bed pad just incase. I've got through three pairs of knickers, 2 maternity pads and 3 of the enormous ones so far.
I am devastated to have lost my unplanned but very much wanted baby but I now feel like life gave me the tools I needed to deal with it. This is the first baby I've grown to the point of being able to see it when it passed. I now feel a sense of peace alongside the sadness that was never there with my other babies. I hope my feelings stay this way. I hope this helps others in the same situation with the uncertainty in front of them. I wanted to be at home not hospital as I wasn't given enough information and was told 'cubicle'. I was dreading it. As it turns out. I had a private room with bathroom. The staff have been lovely, nothing was too much trouble. My DP is now snoozing on a mattress they brought for him and he was fed 'my' hot meal when he asked where to buy a sandwich. He has been amazing and I know I wouldn't have coped without him. I sort of feel he had the harder job watching someone he loves go through what I just have and be unable to fix it. He hates feeling useless. He thinks I've been amazing so we agreed it was equally shit.