Lost.

[Cakelaur]

Like most of you here I’m sure. I was totally destroyed after finding out I’d had an MMC. Found out at an 8week early reassurance scan baby had no heart beat and stopped growing at 6+4. I opted for an ERPC the next day (2 days ago) as i go skiing for a week tomorrow. I’m beyond dreading it.
The holiday was supposed to be a amazing chilled week away of wandering round drinking hot chocolates, reading baby books and relaxing whilst everyone else (the entire family) enjoyed the mountains. I’m now expected by the family (who are amazingly supportive of all this) to come skiing every day to help take my mind off it. I’m terrified that every moment in the snow is going to remind me that my baby was ripped away from me. And that I’m skiing because I’m not pregnant.
We tried for a year to get pregnant and I got the best early Christmas present ever of my much longed for BFP. I have spent the last 8 weeks feeling so happy and proud to be a new mummy to be and so privileged. And now I’ve never known so much sadness. The concept that I won’t have my baby in August as I should do breaks me.
I know that one day I will get my baby in my arms. And we are planning on ttc again as soon as the bleeding stops. I know being pregnant again will help heal this pain. But I’m just lost without my pregnancy. And my biggest fear is not having a baby. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for as long as I can remember.
Thank you for letting me write this down and get it off my chest.
I am so sorry for anyone else going through this pain.

Massive Hugs to you Cakelaur. So sorry about your loss 💐
It’s absolutely soul destroying isn’t it! All your hopes and dreams gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I really don’t have much advice other than be kind to yourself. It takes time to absorb what’s happened and how to heal. I hope your family give you all the support you need to get through this awful time. If you need to rant then feel free to do so! These boards do help a lot and can relate loads with what your going through.
Do what you want to do on your holiday..ski, relax, get pissed whatever makes you feel (a tiny) bit better. Xox

My heart goes out to you. I’m incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby

You don’t have to go skiing. How are you feeling physically now? You’re bound to feel a bit shattered and fragile for a while, you might bleed for a few more days, you need to rest as much as possible, eat whatever you want to, keep hydrated and sleep.

There are times when keeping busy and distracted is good and others when you need your duvet, your home, a packet of biscuits and a shit film. You’ve had a massive shock and you’re going to need to come to terms with your loss and your pain.

I found out at my 12 week scan my baby had died at 9+5, tried medical management and ended up with an MVA (ERPC under local). I didn’t bleed much afterwards but I was exhausted, sore, spent several days sobbing, especially the third day after, and I pushed myself far too hard to “get back to normal” whatever the fuck I thought that looked like. A few days after I went to watch my brother in a parade thing with an overnight stay. By Sunday night I was in A&E with an infection, no idea why, but I was really sore and was on ABs and then got bloody thrush! I’m sure you’ll be fine and heal perfectly post op but standing around in the cold nearly finished me off and I worry about you pushing yourself to be “normal” too quickly, getting cold, wishing you were comfortably at home.

If you think being around your family will help as you come to terms with what’s happened then go, but everyone will/should understand if you change your mind and decide you’d rather be home and see people when they’re back.

Please give yourself permission to put yourself and your healing first.

MN was a lifeline to me, you’ll get good support and advice here. Keep talking. It’s so important to have an outlet. Mmc is so cruel because you wonder how to trust your body when you can feel it deceived you! I’d never felt more pregnant when I was having a nervous sandwich before my scan.

It won’t help now, but you will feel better in time. You’ll still miss your pregnancy, the hopes for your baby and for being a mum. Being pregnant is so exciting and wonderful. I hope it’ll happen for you again very soon.

Whatever you decide about the trip, look after yourself and take the time you need when you need it to heal.