Getting space from wider family following miscarriage

[PartyintheKitchen]

I had a miscarriage last week at 9 weeks. I had an erpc in hospital which went ok, the staff were lovely and the only physical issue is that I’m very very tired, some bleeding but it’s lessening as the days progress. I’m mostly ok in myself but well up frequently with the sadness of it all. I have previously had a stillbirth so this feeling is familiar, not as heart-breaking I will say (but that is relative and I would never discount anyone’s heartbreak), the stillbirth fundamentally changed me. I know I will get through this new loss with time.

I want to know what people think about taking space after a miscarriage – as a family, as a couple and alone. This few months past whilst pregnant were very stressful. Work was very demanding (but is less so now) and my family (my parents, brothers, etc) were also in the middle of various disagreements, ridiculous things that I kept getting pulled into as I’m generally good with advice. My parents are fantastic but can be awkward with their communications which cause minor annoyances in the family, that is what escalated into disagreements around Christmas time. On the in laws side of things, the weekend before I miscarried I spent with my in laws abroad, they had come straight from my DH’s grandmother’s funeral. We have a week away with them in February in the diary, this is annual. My SIL (DH’s sister), her DH, her step son and DS will also be there. It will not be a relaxing time away as the house will be busy with constant activity. My SIL and her DH frequently argue and there is normally always one bust up per holiday that we have to tiptoe around. Our holiday in the summer typically comprises of 2 weeks with in laws + SIL + BIL + 2 DS’s, and hopefully 1 week as a family (myself, DH and DC). I find I am dreading all of these wider family holidays. My IL’s are quite intense and whilst very generous, loving and supportive the holiday routine is quite full on, all meals are together, all activities are organised etc. I feel that I have little freedom when we visit them. I feel like I am caged in on both sides with my family and my DH family.

I really need a proper holiday but without extended family, we can’t really afford to cancel our trip next month, so I’m actually thinking of sending DH off with DC so that I get some time without wider family. Is this unreasonable? I desperately would like to holiday with my DC and DH but funds don’t stretch to cancelling flights and rebooking a new trip.

I suppose I’m looking for some confirmation that others felt the need for space following miscarriage too? Any inspiring stories or top tips to deal with extended families post pregnancy loss out there? Much appreciated.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP and for what you've been through previously

I think you're entitled to do what you feel is best. If that's time alone then that's is definitely what you should do

Thank you overtheparapet for your kind words. It's hard to know what's right but I think some space away from wider family has to be a priority. I talked to DH last night as I was really upset about it all, he agrees that it's too much and we'll figure something out for the planned holidays. Yesterday was a horrible day working myself into a mess over other people's potential. Sounds silly but such is life.

To anyone going through lots of a pregnancy, put yourself first as these days will be etched into your memory forever. I have horrendous memories of being bombarded by family after my stillbirth, it still hurts today thinking of it. I wish I had the strength to ask for privacy and quiet time to grieve.

I am so sorry for your recent loss Party and for the stillbirth that you endured x I had a loss at 22 weeks a couple of years ago and I desperately needed space...I don't think it is unusual not to want all the usual inane things going on around you. For me it felt like time had stopped but for everyone else it carried on as usual. I can identify with the aspect of being fundamentally changed but as you say, you know eventually, you will get through this x
My mother became a major problem (sobbing in my arms etc. about it) but then I have always had a dodgy relationship with her. My loss was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak and we are now estranged - this is extreme I know...but what I'm trying to say is that you are being very reasonable wanting some time alone to process your loss/begin recovery. x

To be honest we're in the awkward stage (post 20 wk miscarriage 10 days ago) where nobody really knows what to say to us anyway so space is what they're giving us plenty of. I shouldn't complain, it's what we need and sounds like you do too. Even within the home (we have two young dc), I have needed to take some time out to myself too, to rest, read, think, cry. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, you've been through so much. Just be honest with people and tell them you need some space, or ask your partner to speak to them and explain why you need some time alone to heal.

So sorry for both of your losses .

User45632874 So sorry for your loss too, it's rubbish. I can really relate to the mother crying in your arms, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Some stories to compare (why not while we're here), my MIL cried on my sofa for a week while she was "looking after me" with me looking on dumbfounded, she owned the grief clearly. My FIL decided it would be nice to take some pics of me the day of the funeral "Cheese!" - what the F. They are quite the pair. Then my DM decided to tell me on my son's anniversary that she was "probably more upset about it" than I was. It took me a while to talk to her again after that comment. Bloody idiots, I know they are upset but honestly, the mum is always going to be the most upset, it goes without saying that the grief for our own baby is off the charts. It has definitely made me more wary of them.

ImGoingForATwix, so sorry for your recent loss, you must be reeling. Take this time as you say to rest up, cry, get used to being in this new situation. I'm glad for you that you have been given space, hopefully you're getting the support you need too. I'm sure your DC are a lovely distraction but you do need rest from them too. Take care of yourself. x

Your parents in law sound horrendous Party. I think if it had been me, at that time, I would have probably asked them to leave as I don't think I could have tolerated their behaviour. My mother clearly couldn't grasp the fact that I needed space; she kept ringing me...asking how I was today and had they found out what 'happened' yet as if that was going to make it all O.K, whilst ping ponging back and forth to my brother and dreadful sister in law who had just managed to produce their third child - yes, you've guessed it a little boy (the very thing that I had just lost). It all became too unbearable and as I say, it was the straw that broke the camels back (childhood issues etc - complicated). It's so weird how these people make it all about them and seem to lack complete insensitivity. Even the bereavement midwife (who I couldn't tolerate either and evicted from my home during one of her visits) left a message one day on my answerphone asking me if there was anything she could get for me...I remember thinking, I don't want anything, I just want my baby back. I didn't realise it at the time but what I actually needed was loads of space away from everything and everyone apart from dh

Oh, you poor thing. That was pretty terrible of her. Family can be so unkind sometimes. My sil had a DS 6 weeks after my loss. It was horrible, they were all over facebook (which I left as a result). My mum would often talk about their DS to me when I just wanted them all to leave me be. Totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s heartbreaking. How are you doing now? Did you decide to try again? (feel free to not answer).

My IL’s have some choice responses to things, as you say - making it all about them. Hence me not wanting to spend a week with them in Feb, I can’t control what they spout. They are very loving and I know they mean the best but it’s all too intense for me. I’m not a massive oversharer (I know that is contradictory with this thread!). I don’t “show” grief, I don’t dramatize it, wail, cry in public etc. I may come across as super strong when really I was mostly trying to cope with my emotions in my own way and lean on DH a lot. It’s a very personal thing but at the time of the stillbirth I didn’t know that I was finding my own way. I didn’t know that I could have told them to back off, stupid really. I’ve learned my lesson.

Hi Party
I was informed after my dd1 (now 11) by a fertility consultant that I was unlikely to have any more children, so fully expected dd1 to be an only child. Just shy of 40, I gave birth to dd2 (now 4). Then came my loss at 41 - my son. Yes, I am expecting another baby in March (all being well - another little girl) - currently 30+5 and finding every day of this pregnancy a psychological battle so have kept everything low key - this will be my last pregnancy whichever way it goes (I am nearly 44). It is awful; dd2 is so excited and I have to reign her in, whilst dd1 (who was 8 at the time of my loss) is terrified that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to be sad again (or die in childbirth). I think because dd1 was so aware of everything that happened last time, I felt forced to put on a front - but couldn't and felt loads of anger and snapped when she asked innocent questions - I left dh to answer them and it probably seemed to dd1 that I was living on another planet - she often describes this as sadness - "but mum, you are so much better now," she said when she discovered I was pregnant again) - nearly three years on. I don't think I showed my grief and if it did it mainly came out in anger...even when one friend said to me, you must be feeling so angry, I just couldn't seem to put it into words how I was feeling and became a bit reclusive (though did seek bereavement counselling). It is only recently in the last six months or so, that I have been able to call my late son by his name.
Walking (alone) seemed to help me gather my thoughts...it's this whole thing of feeling forced to have a 'jolly nice time' and others wanting you to speed up your grief and 'feel better' that I found most annoying. All the inane chatter about which bloody wallpaper they should choose, yak, yak...no I don't blame you for wanting space others will just have to accept that and if you do go away with them make sure you get plenty of alone time - go somewhere and leave them to it and don't feel bad (and obviously warn dh ahead of this, that this is what you plan to do). x

That is tough going for you. Pregnancy after a loss is really hard, the stress levels can escalate very quickly. Good that you’re getting out to walk and take time for you. Whatever works. Well done on going for it again, it’s very brave.

I had DS 2 years after my stillbirth and have an older DS too. The pregnancy after stillbirth was very tough, I didn’t much enjoy it and was a bag of nerves for the whole thing. The day he was born was like the most enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. I hope this for you too. One thing that helped me a lot was hypnobirthing, I used to hide away for 30 mins every day and imagine that I got through the pregnancy with a live baby. I still use that imagery to this day to help me relax. I had some CBT after the stillbirth which was absolutely awful, I didn’t click with the lady at all and hated the approach (“how can you change your behaviour to improve the situation?” what a load of bs). Then I went to a councillor who was great, she helped me deal with my anger more than anything else, as like you I found I was really angry. Mostly at people’s reactions than anything else (PIL’s a case in point there). I still get angry with the worst offenders (DM and PILs) – and don’t want to create any more bad memories as I have a lifetime’s worth already.

Take care of you and best of luck for the next 2 months. You can do this, you really can. There are many of us out there who have done it so it’s very probable that you will too.

Op, I'm sorry for your losses .

I lost a little boy in December 2016 and I still remember the feeling of wanting to get away from everybody.

Some years ago my dp and I had a short holiday in a yurt in a wood in the Lake District - log burner, outdoor shower, no phone signal etc.
After the loss of our son, the yearning to have that kind of complete peace and solicitude again was almost overwhelming.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances (other children, Christmas, work etc) we weren't able to go away and I still regret that. If you have the opportunity to do it, grab it with both hands.

I too found it very difficult to cope with other people's reactions to what had happened; it was almost more than I could do to just get out of bed in the morning.
Pay no attention to what other people think, you must do whatever helps you right now.

*solitude obviously

Piglet that yurt holiday sounds really fantastic, it's a shame you couldn't have it after your loss too, but such is life. Thank you for your response. It's reassuring to know others feel/felt the same way and I'm not being a drama queen.

I think my only solution is for DH and DC to go to PILs without me. Changing the whole Feb holiday at this stage will cause such a drama, they wouldn't understand why we would stay down the road from them in their house after travelling across Europe to stay. I suppose at least that way I will have a few days to myself and will not have to worry about having to find 5 mins to myself in the week.

Thanks everyone for responding - this has been v helpful. and . x