Friend had a TFMR at 13 weeks- how can I help?

[Eastend2015]

I have had 3 MCs so aware of some of this but after a termination can anyone tell me a bit about the physical side? Level of bleeding, pain etc?

In terms of the emotional side, I don’t know how to talk to my friend about her loss, she is being very factual and keeping very busy but I’m worried it will hit her later. Was it helpful to talk about the baby or stick to talking about it in medical terms? It just sounds so cold!

Hi Eastend. It's really kind of you to worry about your friend. I have had two TFMRs, so have some experience of this unfortunately.

I think there are some similarities with a miscarriage, in that level and duration of bleeding can vary a lot from one person to the next. There was almost no physical pain for me, as I had the surgical route both times. That could be very different if she went the medical route for any reason. It does take a while for your hormones to settle.

I think the emotional pain is of course a different matter and people respond very differently to this. I talked a bit to my mum especially in the very early days and then clammed up. This was a BIG mistake as it has prolonged the agony but equally I would have found it difficult if someone had sort of forced me to talk about it. I did have counselling and in fact am going to go back, about eight months later.

Anyway, I think as a friend the best thing you can do is let her know you are always there, to talk or not talk if she wants. Also, to not necessarily think that she'll be 'over it' in a short amount of time. I would always take your lead from her though. Some people want to honour the baby by talking about them, others just want to move on and concentrate on getting pregnant again.

I have had some 'friends' say some extraordinarily insensitive things. One asked me whether I actually wanted another baby. Another told me on the second baby's due date that I should be relieved as it would only have been an enormous hassle! So avoiding that kind of comment definitely helps!

Thank you for your advice!

Also, ask her about the baby. Ask what its name is and use it when you talk about the baby. I found people totally avoided talking about my baby and that hurt as it felt like they didn't care.