Drowning in grief after miscarriage

[Mangopr1]

2 months ago I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy. It was without a doubt the darkest time of my life and it will not stop. I feel like my life has been completely turned upside down and i have no idea how to get it back on track.

For a bit of background... my partner and i have been together for a year and he has children from another relationship already. I have none. We agreed we wanted children together but not yet until and until i saw that positive pregnancy test 3 months ago that was fine by me.

Everything is different now. I cant explain it any other way than DESPERATE. I am desperate to fill this hole that has appeared in my life. I lie awake at night frantically worrying that my body doesnt work, that ill never experience what he has with his children. That in itself hurts enough. That he has a family with another person and that i feel im just 'dads girlfriend' with no other real purpose in his family.

For him, whilst he is supportive and holds me whilst i cry, this doesnt seem a big thing. Now he wants to stick to our original plan of waiting. He tells me to relax because it will happen and hes not talking years, maybe in 6 months we'll start trying.

But i cant think of anything else. 6 months is not a long time but i feel like im going to spend it watching the calendar thinking 'can we now?!'. He wants me to enjoy my time until then but how can i when i feel like this is the only thing i want. In my head i think its so easy for him to say that when he already has the thing ive lost. I feel completely ridiculous and irrational but i cant switch off i am literally drowning in grief that i have never experienced before and i feel so alone in it.

First, I am sorry for your loss, Mango. I have also had a miscarriage and it makes me very sad sometimes, though I can talk about it now (5 years later) without crying. Were you far along? (Not that it makes any difference to your loss, just thought you might like to talk about your baby - I do.)

Have you been to your GP? It's hard to judge whether your grief is manageable or if it's spiralling into something else. My GP said to me that if I wasn't able to manage daily life within 3 months to come back to him. (Said in the nicest possible way.)

It seems like the miscarriage has opened a lot more insecurities and anxieties about your relationship. I'm sorry you feel alone.

For some people a miscarriage is a much more sad thing, some people are more able to put it aside. My DH focused on a huge family row and drank heavily for a few months afterwards but he didn't talk much about the baby. He has issues anyway though.

I've never TTC again. It didn't help me when people were dismissive or practical. My baby, my body, my loss, the hole and the absence are in my life. For a long time I was envious of people with more than one child. (I have an older child.)

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's a peculiar loss. My arms used to kind of ache to hold my baby. I always loved babies and toddlers and I kind of keep away from them now, I never engage.

And writing this post has made me cry, and it's 5 years ago on the 8th of Jan. Just trying to say it's not unreasonable to be very, very upset. But it might be worth going to your GP.

Hello,

Thanks so much for your message and I'm so sorry for your loss too. Going through this now I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I agree this has opened a can of worry worms for me with my relationship. It's the best one I've ever been in and he truly is a wonderful man but it hurts me that another woman has a part of him that I don't have. I used to (and still do most of the time) get so much joy from watching him with his children being an amazing father. Now it sometimes causes me physical pain. I can't stop myself thinking 'I wish that was my child he was kissing goodnight' etc... or when I get left home alone whilst he goes to Dr''s appointments or school plays. Makes me feel like a spare part sometimes.

I feel I'm being rather selfish kicking up a fuss about waiting 6 months like he said when there are some women who go through so much more than this but I just can't get out of my own head :(

I went to the GP yesterday and they said pretty much the same as you mentioned above. To give myself some more time and come back if things don't improve. They offered me an ultrasound to make sure everything is 'in good shape' but I know I won't stop worrying until I have my baby.

I feel like after this experience I've just realised that everyone in my life is a parent but me. Even my partner whom is my best friend and the one person I can talk to about anything can't possibly understand this feeling when he has already got what I'm so desperate for can he?

And sorry in answer to your question I was 6 weeks along. Which again makes me feel ridiculous when some people go so far. I didn't even realise it was possible to grieve something that almost wasn't even there.

6 weeks is still 6 weeks, and was still a loss, and was still your baby.

Sorry for not replying to you earlier! I would go ahead with ultrasound - you'll feel you are doing something positive.

Maybe wiser heads than mine will be along, but I do understand where you are coming from with the pain of not being a parent - I really did and sometimes still do feel pained when I see families with 2 or more children. And yes to physical pain.

I'm grateful I have my DS but I do wish that our family wasn't just the three of us and I wonder what it would be like to have our little 4 year old running around now. I think as the years pass I might be able to enjoy small children again.

Have you done anything to remember baby? Often people plant something on the garden. To be honest I have never wanted to do anything like that, but I've read of others finding it comforting.

I don't know what it's like for my DH to have kids that I don't have, I'm sure that's adding to your pain and feeling of aloneness. The fact that he isn't grieving the loss the same way as you is difficult. I've often read of families where the couple split up because of grieving a loss differently. It's very important that your feelings are acknowledged - but I suppose it's very hard to say to somebody 'it's ok for you, you have kids, I don't'.

One thing for sure, his DCs' mother does not have a part of him you don't have. It just doesn't work like that. No more than somebody who knew him when he was growing up, or know what he's like to work with, or any random acquaintance. There are always going to be aspects to a person that you're not directly part of, but that doesn't take anything from your relationship. If the DCs' mother and him were so great, he'd still be with her. But he's not.

Is there any particular reason why you have to wait 6 months before TTC again? What's the logic there?

Hi I'm sorry for your loss I found out on the 19th of December my baby only got to nine weeks five days and due to failed erpc I had to do Christmas knowing it was over but had to get on with it for two young kids I had medical management Thursday and everything ended Friday early hours.
Yesterday it really hit me like a train and I keep feeling really angry like it's not real and I'm going to wake from this horrid dream.
I cant talk to anyone about this as it makes it all too real but I'm struggling.
Don't feel you can't grieve your hopes and dreams disappear in an instant when you have a miscarriage you've lost someone like Dr Seuss said a person's a person no matter how small. I

I've been through this once before and it does get easier you do move on but take time to heal X big hugs

I've nothing practical to suggest I'm afraid but just wanted to reassure you that the way you're feeling is totally normal. I miscarried twice this year - once in August and again just a few days ago - and the grief was horrendous and totally unexpected. It's not properly hit me this time yet and I don't know if it will be the same as before. If our family (currently the three of us) stayed like that forever it'd probably be fine but I feel sick and angry at the idea that i night not get to make that decision if my body continues to make it for me.

All I can suggest is to not push the grief away, you need to deal with it properly which might take time xx

Thank you for everyone's responses. It's really awful to know so many people go through this but comforting that we are not alone I suppose. I'm sending massive hugs to you all. It really has taken me by complete surprise how affected I have been by something so small.

My partner wants to wait 6 months as the pregnancy was completely unplanned. We weren't even talking about trying in the near future and until this happened I was okay, not thrilled, but okay with that.

Now as I mentioned above its like I've woken up and realised that everyone in my life has been through this experience but me and I feel like I won't really have a purpose until it happens to me. My partner has said he's willing to try in 6 months (which to be fair to him is a lot shorter than what we had originally planned) but he has things with his business he needs to sort first. I do want to be supportive and allow him the time he needs. It's very hard not to be selfish though sometimes when I feel this is the only thing I want! And sometimes I can't help little niggling thoughts of 'that's easy for you to say, you already have kids', type feelings.

I have thought about doing something to remember my baby by but I don't think personally that would help me. I find it hard to be reminded if I'm honest. Just watching a film showing a woman in labour or with a baby is enough to ruin my day/week at the moment.

I truly hope we all find the peace we need and our pain can become easier to bear.

Thank you for helping me feel less alone xx

You're not alone.