when does it get better after a miscarriage?

[griffintribe]

9 weeks ago i had a missed miscarriage.

The baby died at 12.5 weeks but it was not picked up until i was 15 weeks.

I feel so sad all the time and the only thing getting me thru is the thought of being pregnant again.

I know a new pregnancy wont make me forget my lost baby but it will replace all my lost hope.

After trying desparately hard this month and having sex every day for my fertile week my period has started today and i am devastated.

I had pinned all my hopes on me being pregnant again and now face at least another month of feeling like this.

I probably sound really self pitying but i should be 24 weeks pregnant now and i cant get that thought out of my head.

When will all the hurt stop?

In short, it won't ever stop entirely but it will get easier. Look this is going to upset you but the human body and mind needs time to get over a miscarriage before you have another baby (was this your first?)

It happened to me (much earlier but it still ripped me into pieces). I now have a six month old, but I still wonder about the baby that didn't make it.

You need to talk to someone about this in real life and get all this emotion out.

You also need time. Be kind to yourself. The baby you make (and I'm sure there will be one) a few months from now, will be special too, but take some time to grieve for the one you've lost.

Sorry to hear this.

I found the due date was quite a mile stone. Although I still think about it now over a year later.

I have a 19 month old dd and according to some people "why am i so bothered about having another when i already have my little angel".

Have tried talking to dh but he just says that everything will be ok and it makes me want to KILL HIM

You need to go past it and accept that it happened and is over. I don't mean 'forget it!', what I mean is that you need to create a closure of some sort, maybe a ritual to help you say goodbye. If you're religious, or a believer, maybe go to your place of worship and pray, releasing it to your god. Or maybe make a fireboat and set it afloat on a river, anything that feels right for you. Also, is there anyone you can talk to in RL? Are people around you pretending it didn't happen? What about your dp? Often he hurts as much, but feels he has to 'be strong'. Having a good cry together and saying goodbye together can help a lot.

You must stop thinking 'I should be X weeks pg today'. It holds you back and stops you going forward.

Something I found helpful was when a friend asked me how I was three months after it had happened. She was the only person who did so, the only one who didn't pretend that life for me had returned to normal.

{{{hugs}}}

Griffintribe - Ah I see. Yes I can understand why that would make you angry. It should be so easy too right - you've done it once, so why this time didn't it just go the same way. I'm sure you rationally understand what happened but it can help a bit to know more about it. There is a (craply titled) booked called 'Miscarriage - the good news' which helped me understand what happened to me.

Your DH is probably trying to protect you in a cackhanded male way. He loves you that's all and he thinks if you don't think/talk about this, you'll heal quicker (that's probably how he's coping with it). Is there anyone else you can talk to (preferably female?) who might be able to listen better?

I know i need to calm down about it all and stop obsessing about dates and getting pregnant again.

I know that stressing so much is going to have the reverse effect and actually make me take longer to get pregnant.

But knowing it and actually stopping it are 2 different things.

I dont know how to grieve for her and i know all i am doing is trying to get pregnant to replace her and not actaully deal with the grief.

There is not really anyone i can talk to. Dh is being brillant but he doesn't seem to understand.

Are there any miscarriage websites that anyone found any good?

The miscarriage association is an obvious choice but really, honestly you need to talk to someone in real life. There's no substitute I'm afraid.

it helped me to think about the baby as a jigsaw puzzle. Inside it was being put together and was nearly complete but there was a bit missing and so the whole picture (baby) was never going to be right. My body tried to work round the missing bit but there came a point where the rest just couldn't be finished. For me, it was never going to be a complete and perfect picture (baby) and so nature/my body did what it needed to and miscarried. This analogy may be crap for you and i really don't want to make things worse at a difficult time, but thinking that the piece was always missing and nothing that i did caused it and that nothing could have changed it and that it was in that case for the best worked for me. I hope that you find this helps or work out your way of coming to terms with it. >

My doctors were brilliant, have you seen them since?

I agree, the due date was quite a milestone. It was a horrible day but from then on I felt like I could "breathe" again.

Is there anything that you could plan towards that could divert your mind, a holiday, special occasion etc? Try to get something to focus on. I'm not saying forget the baby, quite the contrary, but just try to look for positive things or lots of negative things will find you, IYSWIM.

So sorry that you are going through this. It is such a difficult time.
For me, after my m/cs I only felt better when I became pg again. Of course, then I would worry that I would lose that pregnancy, too. So then I only stopped worrying at around 24-28weeks. Every month that af turned up forced me to accept that I was no longer pg and was incredibly distressing.
Hope you reach your goal soon.

Hello Griffintribe
have just read your thread. I had a MC last year that was not picked up on until 17 weeks of pregnancy. I had a brill 12 week scan and lept out of the scan room with tears of joy. My baby apparently died a week or so after that scan but I carried all that time with no signs. Just before I found out I had very slight spotting more like "a show". I went for a scan and was told that my baby hadn't made it.
Like you I have a ds who is so precious but the thought of not adding to our family hurts.
Have been TTC again but I know how it feels to have a period and the disapointment it brings. The only thing I can say is it is early days. Someone said on here about the body and mind healing itself. I think that's exactly what has to happen after MC. You will have a baby again, you have a beautiful dd so there is no reason why not. Having to be patient with yourself is hard esp when all you physically yearn for is the baby you lost. It will happen.

The whole due date thing didn't work for me.
The only difference it made was that now I think "my daughter should be x weeks old know",
"she would be able to lift her head now", etc.
But the feeling is not as raw as in the beginning. More like a scar than an open wound.
I am faraid it will be a long jounrney, but id does get better.

I am so very sorry for your loss (((hugs))) I am feeling pretty simelar. I lost DD in January at 20wks. This is my 3rd loss. (I very luckily have also had 3 succesful pg's though in between these losses) the due date thing is very hard, mine is coming up. I would be 35+ wks now. I keep meeting people that are due after I should have been and it is weird knowing I am no longer pg and that all those weeks seem like 'for nothing' (although I am glad I had DD for those weeks than never at all) I know it gets a little easier in time from loosing my other babies (11 wks and 23 wks) I am not sure about ttc since I am high risk for another loss but that longing for a baby is very strong. Sorry to go on but I am thinking of you xxxx

Hi Jellybeans - have I chatted to you B/F which other threads are you on? So sorry for all your losses. I can't bare to think of going through it again. It is so hard, yet you have proof that you can go on to have a successful PG having had 3 babes. Is there a reason why you are high risk for a MC again even though you've had 3 healthy ones? Did you MC between your 3 children?
Yes due dates are so very hard. Mines been and gone but they were v. difficult weeks following of feeling wretched, longing for it to happen again and watching friends go on with pregnancies and have beautiful end results too!
We are on the road to TTC again but it's esp' hard when you've been knocked sideways. Big hugs. xxx

Hi glimmer,
so sorry for you also but I'm glad time heals to use the awful cliche. Actually for me I think the only thing that would help is to have a successful PG and a happy healthy baby. That's what we all want isn't it? Have you gone on to have a baby if that's not too personal.Hugs.

Hi Pollysue, so sorry for your loss((hugs)) I can't remember chatting before but my memory is very bad so sorry if we have and I forgot xx I am very very lucky to have 4 living children (one of my 3 pg was twins!) I had a 11wk mm/c then DD1, DD2, then we lost DD at 23 wks to a chromosome disorder (a one off they said), then we had the twins, then I lost DD at 20 wks. I was told I am high risk as I have a lupus anticoagulant (blood clotting antibody) which can cause recurrant early or late m/c, i only knew about it as of tests after my recent loss. i also had an infection of the placenta and membranes which can sometimes happen again. I wish you all the best for the future xxxx

It can take a while and it will probably never go away completely, the pain will just lessen. I had two m/c and am presently 17 weeks pg. My next m/w appointment should be on the due date of the last m/c. Despite being pg again, I had a pang when she said "you need to book an appointment on 12 July" and am toying with the idea of making it one week earlier or later. I just don't like the idea of doing something to further this pg on the date on which the other baby would have been due... for your loss...

Hi Jellybeans, it's so sad to hear of all your losses and it doesn't matter how many children you have already the pain and yearning of loosing a child is soooo great. Each PG is special and wanted ( at least we all feel that here).
All the best Mumpbump with yours. It's so good to hear positive reusults. I can U/S you not wanting any appointments on your dd.
will talk later bye for now ladies.

Hi Pollysue. Actually, I am currently 11 weeks pregnant. I know I should be happy and positive, but for me falling pregnant again, has been pure stress and anxiety, no joy at all. I am fairly sure I am suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome,
mostly caused by what happened after the miscarriage (I had medical complications and was repeatedly send home, while I was bleeding into my abdomen). I am so freaked out about my 12 week scan next week, that I cry many hours every day, can hardly work or sleep or do anything. It's so bad that I sometimes hope to miscarry soon, so that I do not have to stand the anxiety any longer. I think this is pretty extreme and while all women are stressed to a certain level about subsequent pregnancies, they are probably also hopeful and happy. So I hesitated to post this here, because fundamentally I agree with you that the only thing that would help is to have a successful PG.

Hi Glimmer. Didn't realise you were feeling so bad about this pg. Stay strong. I know in the week running up to my 12 weeks scan, I felt like I was going crazy because I was so petrified about finding out it had all gone wrong. It's a very difficult time to get through, but only a few more days and you will hopefully get the reassurance you need and then it shouldn't be too long before you start to be able to feel the baby move. If you're really worried, have you thought about getting a doppler? There is a discussion about them on the October antenatal thread - I think at the end of the last one and the beginning of the new one. That might help you to keep positive if you can keep reassuring yourself that all is well... Fingers crossed for you - I know what a difficult time this is...

Hello Glimmer
I'm really sorry for what you must be going through. Don't hesitate to say how you feel. It's really important to get all your worries and anxious feelings out. The less you carry the better.
Although you were traumatised with the last PG (as I was too) it does not mean it will be the same this time around. The chances are it will be OK. I know it doesn't stop that nagging doubt though. Perhaps your 12 week scan will offer you reassurance you need. I really feel for you and glad you were able to say how you felt. Wrap yourself up, do nice things, Positive affirmations and lots of hugs and support.

I know it sounds stupid but I would love to be PG and in your shoes but I too know I will be very wary and anxious about the whole thing when it happens. Someone once said to me just be present, live in the present and accept each day as it is. Cherish what you have.