People are Insensitive following my twin pregnancy miscarriage

[Alice777]

Hi everyone. I've been feeling really down since I lost my twins in October. I went for my 12 week scan and they informed me that there was no heartbeat and that it was a twin pregnancy. I was shocked and devastated. At the time I didn't know how common it is and naively thought it wouldn't happen to me since I am young, fit and healthy. I wish I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility of expecting bad news but I didn't and I was completely devastated.

Anyway, since then I've been up and down with my emotions which is to be expected but I feel like the "recovery process" is being hindered by the lack of sensitivity of those around me. At work Less than a handful of people know it happened to me. However, one of my female colleagues asked me a week or so after my return from some time off what had happened. I broke down in the staff kitchen. I struggled to get the words out but eventually decided I would tell her because she's a new mum and maybe she would understand the loss. She was shocked but told me well you just have to think it was only a bean and not a baby. After that I decided not to tell anyone who didn't need to know.

A couple of weeks later one of the ladies in my team (who also knows what happened) found out she was pregnant at 5 weeks. She told only me. She would then ask me about pregnancy and showed me her scan. I'm happy for her of course but she makes no effort to hide her excitement and seems to have forgotten I have lost my babies.

It is now common knowledge that she is pregnant (1 of 2 in the company) and I'm surrounded by baby talk all day long. The two girls who know about my experience will talk all day in the open plan office next to me about how "being a mum is the best thing ever". Yesterday one said "i miss being pregnant". I thought, yes so do I but you have a healthy child and I don't so please be quiet. I have The other pregnant colleague (who has no idea) saying "don't worry ladies pregnancies come in twos so you can relax". And another asked me if I'm feeling brudy infront of an office only a couple of weeks after my return...

I feel like holding back the tears at my desk most days and I just want it to get easier but it doesn't. My boyfriend is very supportive but I feel I can only get upset about it for so long. I try and put a brave face on but it just doesn't get any better. Can anyone else relate? Should I mention it to the colleagues who know?

Sorry for your loss.
It seems like people are being incredibly insensitive. Could you confide in a more sensitive person/your boss and ask them to get people to be less idiotic?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't for one minute think you're being over sensitive or putting a downer on it for anyone else. It's down right rude and nasty of them to be saying the things they are and tbh I think I would just go for the "you know I've lost two babies so why are you asking me stupid questions like that?" Approach.

I’ve been there (quite a while ago) and really feel for you. This is a horrific time for you emotionally and people forget in the way they wouldn’t about a normal bereavement. I would speak to someone kindly - is there a slightly older woman maybe? - on the team and ask them if they could gently spread the word that you’re finding so much baby talk very difficult.
I think if you’ve never had an MMC it’s impossible to imagine what it feels like, and that you don’t just get over it straight away.
Incidentally- it WILL get better over time. It’s not something you forget, but it will stop hurting so much x

Crikey. They sound utterly idiotic and heartless. I'm soy surprised you're close to tears most days. I understand how you feel as I suffered a similar thing and feel pretty depressed about it. I cannot believe the way they are carrying on though.

My way of coping now is to try and let all the crap (being tagged in a Facebook post by a family friend in a picture of my dad holdin her grandson saying "downnotoutt when are you going to make your dad a grandad?") bounce off me. This really has made me realise some people are thick intensive unfeeling morons.

Sorry if that sounds strong, but it's how I feel.

Oh OP, I completely understand. Last December I too lost twins and only found out at the 12 week scan. A real head fuck to be told you are having twins one second and...
It is hard hurts like fuck to hear other people talk ‘babies’ but life doesn’t stop and you do have to understand people aren’t intending to hurt you and other women will get pregnant and will talk about it.

It’s a year on and i’m still not pregnant again and colleagues/friends have had babies in that time. I outwardly show how pleased I am for them so I know it’s not their fault and just hope and pray I get lucky in the future.

I hope you do too and I’m the meantime, be kind to yourself and grieve and when your colleagues talk about it again, join in with how you can’t wait to get pregnant again too and how babies are so incredibly precious

I'm so sorry for your loss :( I had an mmc at 12 weeks and young fit and healthy too so completely understand how you feel. My SIL was pregnant at the same time as me and now has a healthy baby and my MIL has been nothing but rude to me. She came to visit me just after my d&c and spoke about their baby and told me to get over it when theirs was born. People just don't understand. It's okay to be angry for a while and look after yourself. But I really do understand what it's like and I get how you must feel, I hope you're doing well considering xxx

Thank you to all if you for taking the time to respond to my post. It's slightly overwhelming and comforting to know I'm not being crazy.

Sorry to everyone experiencing or having experienced similar. Its nice to hear from you and makes it easier because like some of you said; people just don't understand it and it isn't view as a normal bereavement but it does feel like one.

I think I'll have a quiet word with the girls if the chat continues in the new year to let them know it's upsetting. Of course they shouldn't stop but maybe consider some of what they do say before saying it in front of me.

Thank you all again and merry Christmas to all!

So sorry for your loss
I completely understand, I recently miscarried at 13 weeks and it would have been my 20 week scan next week. My DH close friend has just announced he and his girlfriend are expecting, we genuinely are very happy for them as knew they had been wanting to try for a second. Today I balled my eyes out which is slowly turning to anger and I feel like I’m overreacting but they were not sensitive in telling my DH at all, in fact his friend even patted him on the back in jest and told him to keep at it but really inappropriately good job I wasn’t there or I’d have slapped him! Also told him in front of a lot of other people, I just would have thought they might have had the decency to have at least taken him to one side first especially knowing how I’m not coping very well. Finding it really hard not to be resentful which actually makes me feel worse because I’m happy for them at the same time does that make any sense at all?!

I'm so sorry for your loss :( it makes complete sense, I should be due in 3 weeks but had an mmc in July at 12 weeks. My SIL just had a baby and no one understands how angry I am sometimes even though I should be happy. I've not coped well at all so I understand. I hope it gets better for you, it can be a lonely place to be but there is always someone here who understands! Xxx

Thank you Kej13 I hope you are ok it’s such a difficult time of year, thought I was coming to terms with things but everything is getting on top of me at the moment, finding out about our friends as well has just knocked me for 6! Sending you lots of hugs xx

It's hard to see how it's going to get better sometimes isn't it? One day I'm fine then the next I'm back at square one. Have you spoke to your friends about how you feel? Xxx

I know I’m exactly the same xx
No I don’t want to rain on there parade as it’s such a happy time for them they should be celebrating just sooo hard... xxx

I feel the same. I'm happy for the expecting people especially because I now realise how much of a miracle it all Is. But yes i also can't help be jealous and it's a horrible thing to admit. It makes you feel like a bad person. And yes it's made even more easy to resent them when they show no empathy to your (our) situations.

I also agree that some times it feels like it's getting better but then a low day hits you from nowhere. I guess those days become fewer and spread out over time...

It's gut-wrenching when it goes wrong (I had molar preg but after ERPC and 6 months of tests was ok), but the people who haven't experienced loss don't understand. I remember thinking that I was walking around with a non-bump, lots of bumps and babies everywhere else. Aware every month of where I should be, but that no-one else can see.

It is probably better to talk on here or with people who have been through it, others can say really stupid things with no idea of the agonising pain or (natural) jealousy.

BTW I now have 2DC so the line of 'it can happen try again' did work for me, but no way did I believe it at the time. I would never joke or be flippant about pregnancy as it is fragile and isn't a joking matter.

Best wishes for 2018

Sorry for your loss, I know it’s hard, I have been there (my last loss was 16 weeeks).

But they have the right to chat about and enjoy their pregnancies. Yes to you it’s raw, but they are just getting on with their lives and it won’t stop because you have had a miscarriage.

I tend to just go and get a coffee and stop by my bosses office and let her know why I’m going for a 30 min coffee break, I wouldn’t want it to stop them enjoying their pregnancy.