Mmc two weeks ago. Dp says he doesn’t want to try again

[ditzzy]

First off, I know I’m hugely lucky to have our dd1 and at 39 (dp is 43) was delighted to get bfp on first attempt to get #2 earlier this year. But it didn’t feel right the whole way through. We had an early scan at 8 weeks and saw a perfect sticky bean with heart beat and measuring 8 weeks, but at the 12 week scan there was no heartbeat and it measured just less than 8 weeks....

So onto the bombshell dp dropped last night. I’ve been remarkably fine since the surgery to manage the mmc, I went away for work the following week and am pretty much back to normal. I’d known the pg was going badly as it hadn’t felt right (which I’d told dp and he’d just brushed off my concerns) so I wasn’t remotely surprised by the scan. By the time I came out of hospital I’d rationalised it as a delay to the next baby and can completely accept that - as long as it doesn’t happen again. So I was explaining last night to dp that I thought we should follow the medical advice to wait for one normal af before actively trying and that he needed to realise I wouldn’t be quite so rational if it happens again when he comes back with “I don’t think we should have even been trying for another in the first place”. Apparently he’s been feeling like he’s just there for childcare and is feeling lonely. I don’t know whether he’s just scared of rocking the boat of our little family, but we’d always agreed dd1 would have a sibling as we were both one of three.

Anyway that’s got a bit rambly. I’m looking for advice either on how to reassure dp that it’s ok either way - or examples of a dp who’s thought that after a mc but then changed his mind. Or ways for me to re-rationalise our loss if I have to accept that it’s a complete loss rather than a delay. It feels at the moment like I’m all the way back to two weeks ago when I was sitting in hospital waiting for the surgery.

Sorry for your loss.

It may be that DP just doesn't actually want DC2, which is an issue often discussed on MN with the majority view being that the wishes of person who doesn't want another DC trump the other.

Given your ages the risks of further mcs/problems are, sadly, relatively high. He may not wish you to take the risks.

Or he may just be sad and upset and might change his mind in due course.

Hi Dozer, thanks for coming on and talking to me.

It’s an absolute U turn on everything he’s ever said before (he’s spent the whole time since dd1 was born telling everyone who would listen that he wanted her to have a brother, and nagging me to get started - while I was insisting on following the medical advice of waiting 2 years after c-section) that it caught me completely off-guard. He turned up from work this evening with a box of cream cakes that he offered me as an apology and has said he was just trying to make me feel better by saying it. I’ve no idea whether that means he means it or not, but I think I’ll let the dust settle for a few days before talking about it again.

I completely agree that if one side or the other doesn’t want a baby (regardless of whether it’s a second) then the baby doesn’t happen. I just always assumed it was me who’d say ‘stop’ before he did.

Having a mmc is traumatic. I had one at 10 weeks so I know what you’re going though. Only I don’t have any dc and that was my first pregnancy. I am still not pregnant since my loss in February. Whilst we want a family we took 4 months after to grieve and recover. Maybe you just need a few months just to feel everything you’re feeling. You fell quickly at 39 there’s no saying it can’t happen again. And there’s no indication that you’ll have another loss despite your increased risk.

Be honest with your DH. Explain why its important for you to have another dc and why you don’t want to give up. If he knows how important it is to you he may show you why he doesn’t want to try anymore and that decision may make the compromise you’re looking for.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself. X

You’ve both had a terrible shock even if you sensed it coming for weeks. One thing stuck out of your OP for me - that your DP feels he’s just being used for childcare and that he’s lonely. Do you go away for work often? Is he a SAHP? Sounds like he misses you and worries about the impact of another DC? Could you speak to him to allay those fears, see what can be done to balance out the childcare a bit, if there’s any grain of truth in his comment?

Thanks girls. I will try to cut him some slack. Given how devastated I’ve felt today, I guess I need to give myself some time too

Thanks Popskipiekin (love the name!!). I go away about twice a year for work it was just really bad timing on this one. The problem is that he hates his work and I really love mine. We’re both full time working so I guess sometimes it feels as though we’re military organising things!

He did comment last night that he needs to have more weekend days away with his friends to make up for not enjoying his work, which I sort of understand (he explained it better than that) and that he’d have even less chance with 2 dc so I think he has thought it through. I think that’s quite short term thinking though as siblings can do things together more a few years older whereas a singleton always needs more parental organising (just in my opinion).

I think I need to let the shock calm down a bit more, have a relaxing build up to Christmas with plenty of us-time and see how we both feel then.

Both working FT, parenting and going through pregnancy loss is hard, but he doesn't somehow deserve more leisure time because he dislikes his work. Especially when you have been pregnant and been through the loss physically.

Complaining about being "childcare" when presumably he's just doing his share of parenting, as you are, is a bit off too.

It does sound like after a little time he may be open to trying again.

That’s made me smile Dozer I did say he explained it better than me.

It’s funny writing it down because he is actually lovely (trust me I have a very in-lovely ex-h for comparison) and has been juggling everything wonderfully while I was in hospital despite being worried and upset himself. I’m just utterly lost for words.

Actually writing it down makes me think even more that he will come round when he’s had some time to get over it all and I’m back to being sensible too. I hope he never finds this and reads it though!

It's just too soon is all.
I think you need to hit pause on the ttc talk and give him time... and you especially. It's harder than we think. I admire how well you've coped.

We lost our DD at 26 weeks. It won't revisit in words how grim a time that was. But after her, ttc again was just off the agenda as far as DH was concerned. Although outwardly he seemed stronger than me and appeared fine, it really wasn't fine at all. It was traumatic. I was 39 at the time.

We had The Talk and agreed to no longer try. It was sad and difficult. But at 42, our little boy came along! Time heals. Your DH just needs to regroup/reboot/heal. So do you, most of all.

Vanguard - thanks for sharing. 26 weeks is a world apart more devastating I really appreciate the happy ending. It seems consensus and common sense all suggest time is required.