Im not posting this for sympathy or seeking attention I'm posting to share my story and because I was unaware this is how the NHS in Birmingham care for woman who are having a miscarriage . Is this the same situation all over the uk ,, Is this not dangerous and potentially fatal ,, I no way by any means blame the midwives at Birmingham woman's hospital . I had problems from week 3 of this pregnancy and the early pregnancy unit staff treated my concerns seriously and gave me a scan at 6 weeks then at 14 weeks when the news was given to me that my baby no longer had a heart beat . I have no complaints at the level of care I received from the lovely staff who work on the unit and I was also given a number to phone anytime day or night if I was worried about anything . There was always a midwife available to talk about my pregnancy worries . they can only offer the support that there profit making company allows I had a beautiful baby who only a few got to see .. I have pictures but been advised not to share them on Social media as there are people who would not wish to see or wouldn't react kindly to seeing these pictures .. plus I'd not react well to any negative comments about my baby my baby was on this earth for 15 weeks ,, just 15 short weeks there was life .. so I'm posting this to acknowledge my babies short time on this earth ....................... As for me I'm here I'm living and still breathing ,, I've been to hell and back the past few weeks ,,
I've been to the darkest of places seen and experienced things I wouldn't wish on Anyone .
I've never felt so scared and lonely as I felt the night of Friday 8th September when on my own in my bedroom my waters broke and I went in to labour. I'm not sure if it was the fear or the pain ( they don't warn you of the labour pains ) or the massive blood loss or someone watching over me but the next 46 hours was a haze a great tiredness came over me and I slipped in and out of consciousness i wasn't sure if I should call for help but felt abandoned by the NHS and besides I'd been in to my doctors the morning of the day my labour was to begin ,, Because I couldn't get my head round the fact I'd been told to go home and wait to go in to labour & When labour began to stay at home .. I asked my doctor if I had heard correctly and was he aware I had no one to help or support me . I'm also 43 yrs old so a high risk pregnancy and although I've not had any problems recently I am a asthmatic and in 2014 was hospitalised with a serious asthma attack which resulted in me spending 10 day in hospital 4 of them I was being cared for in intensive care so you'd think these 2 reasons alone would mean I wasn't just left to what ever fate had in store for me .
I wouldn't know if I'd lost to much blood for it to be dangerous and I was so frightened & scared ,, And wasn't sure how I'd cope seeing my lifeless baby and didn't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with everything I needed to do when my baby arrived , I was told yes I had heard correctly and yes I would see and have to deal with the product ( apparently the medical term used for a miscarried baby )may be a medical term but anyone with a ounce of compassion working in the care environment does not use medical cold heartless terms when speaking to a patient ,, so despite loosing hours slipping in and out of consciousness and not being fully aware when I was conscious due to a unbelievable tiredness i believe this helped me get through the hours and I didn't feel I'd get any help from the NHS anyway .
hoped it would be quick . It was not to be either my body didn't want to let my baby go or my baby didn't want to leave me as much as I didn't want my baby to go, it wasn't till early Sunday morning 10,09,2017. My beautiful baby was born silently sleeping ,,such a tiny so fragile little person . It's the 1st of October as I write this and until now nobody from the NHS has contacted me to check on my health I was still bleeding heavily until a couple of days ago but no examination had been offered to reassure me .
On the day The words PREGNANT / 3 weeks ,,,,flashed on the screen of the pregnancy test , I imagined and began to plan a future for my child , I imagined my future life where this child wouldn't know the control or fear that my other 3 brave kids had to suffer ,, ( I'm approaching the 2 yr anniversary of breaking free from a 18 yr marriage to a very controlling abusive man who played mind games and used violence which over the years included him stabbing me twice breaking my nose countless times he was a horrible creature so as you can imagine my children didn't have the happiest of childhoods) . There was no level he would stoop to to keep me in this relationship This time it was going to be different , I dreamed of days out fist steps ,first words first days at school all those firsts milestones we would have together.. This wasn't how I'd expected to meet my child it seems so unfair .. so to the people who can't understand why I'm so heartbroken over a baby who I didn't get to share any of these experiences with and think I didn't have the opportunity to make memories that make me miss my baby even more , you are so wrong. The day I got to hold my baby in the palm of my hand It was so much more than a miscarriage. The medical profession don't class a baby as a baby until it has reached 20 /24 . To me my baby was a baby from the second it was created ..my baby came in to the world silent and still . But I had been lucky enough to see my baby when their tiny little body had life I watched my babies heart beat on the monitor at one of the early scans I had ,, There was a heartbeat and to make a heart beat there has to be a brain to tell that heart to beat so to me it was a baby . I don't understand how it can be considered anything less my baby had eyes and a mouth my baby even had the tiniest little arms and hands although the tiny little fingers were not fully formed they were there I carried that baby with me for 15 weeks don't expect people who haven't been through the agony of giving birth to a silent baby to fully understand that the pain was as real as the pain experienced when a loved one who has taken a breath on this earth and was lucky enough to make memories with you ,,, I wasn't given the chance to make real
Memories. So instead I grieve for the life I'd imagined and all the plans I'd made for all the memories I didn't get the chance to make . I grieve not for a life lived instead I grieve for a life that should of been lived ,,
So that's my story my baby was real and the loss was real ,