I've just lost a baby

[chewedbyalsatians]

Hi.

I've never posted on here before and have only been a spectator through Stories picked up on the dailymail, but I thought I'd give this a go as my OH (is that other half?) and I are struggling to communicate about this.

I've recently lost our baby at 21 weeks. It wasn't planned, but we've been together for a while and upon seeing the scan we both got quite excited. It ended traumatically. I mistook some spotting as not a problem, and didn't know before it was too late. No one tells you how much a miscarriage can physically hurt.

I can't explain how I'm feeling. I just feel so, so sad. My body changed quite a lot and I definitely started nesting (circumstantially we just bought a house so the study became the "nursery").

My OH says it's for the best as we weren't ready but I think that's his cover up. We're arguing. We never argue. My body aches. My breasts are agony. My hormones are through the roof.

Can anyone tell me this gets better?

It does ease

Don't let different coping mechanisms drive a wedge between you x

I didn't want to read and run.
Be kind to yourself. Don't worry about arguing. Take as much rest as you can and rebuild your energy. It is great that your OH was happy with the pregnancy. He is quite right in saying that maybe you should look forward to having a planned pregnancy in the future. Build your strength towards that. Get some treats for yourself. You have earned them.

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I recently lost my son at 24 weeks and I promise you it does get easier. I feel I am coping better day by day even if it's just I cried less today that I did yesterday, or I managed to do a couple of things which I couldn't face the day before. It's such a slow process and the pain is still there but you learn to manage it. Take your time. I found that writing down my progress each day helped, perhaps try starting a diary of some sort. Its helpful to see how you are progressing and processing.

Me and my partner have also had some arguments since we lost our boy, mostly as we both grieve in different ways. He has hidden a lot of his pain from me as he doesn't want to give me any more strain, which seeing him like that would do. Maybe your OH is concealing his feelings to help you cope? From what I've read about other's experiences it is very much focused on the woman as we carried the baby and so naturally people expect more grief from us, and men seem to be the ones who stay strong. I came to realise how horrible it was for him to have to witness it all happen to me and be powerless to help in anyway...the way he could help was to stay strong and keep perspective for my benefit, and to tell me that we will be parents again soon and we have each other. It sounds like this is what your OH is doing too?

We now talk about the experience and lot, and he opened up more. It took some time though, I think once the shock wears off and feelings begin to process it becomes easier to talk about it without emotion taking over. Give yourselves time. As long as you remind each other you love each other and you're there for each other you will get through the difficulties.

The physical symptoms will ease, my breasts were so painful for a while but tight bras and cold compresses helped. Rest up and eat well.

I hope you start to feel a tiny bit better soon.

sending love to you both

Nothing practical to add OP, but I’m sorry for your loss and here if you want to chat more.