I'm not allowed to be upset

[PlayOnWurtz]

Apparently me being upset at my sister, my 2 closest friends and a colleague all being due around my due date is upsetting for them and I need to wind it in. Let's ignore that I also get the histology results back next week - the week my sister is due.

I can't keep it in. I have literally got no one to talk to.

I'm so sorry. It's awful when that happens.

talk here. I've been there. had some right corkers and they are thoroughly shit.

I hope you are ok. Is this the first due date coming round?

Thanks it's painful. No this is my 5th but the first time I've shared one with anyone let alone all my closest girls iyswim they're all on baby #1 so are all crazily excited. I've had to withdraw from them all and then get told I'm being selfish for not being enthusiastic about their new babies.

I am so sorry for your losses. Your friends and sister have got wrapped up in their own lives aren't thinking properly.

the 5th due date of one baby or you have had 5 losses?

it is awful. I do get where people are coming from but it hurts that they don't understand and although you would never wish it on anyone else you do start to think why me. why have they had it so easy?

5 losses. This is the first one to be sent for further tests though and the hospital have really messed us around a lot over it and about getting the results to us. They've had them since May.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I have only managed to cope in similar circumstances by withdrawing. It's horrific. Lonely. Agonising.

oh dear that is terrible.

awful with the results too. my pfb was stillborn and we were due to pick his post mortem results up months later. they rang us the morning of the appointment and cancelled. it really set me off. i understand how difficult it is.

do they not like to talk about your losses at all? i think i would keep my distance for now for your own sake.

How are you feeling about the impending arrivals?

Oh gosh, so sorry for your losses. Regardless of how excited they are, they should be there for you.
I found cruse to be fantastic when I had a mmc last year. It really helped to talk it through.
There are lots of us ( sadly) who understand on here so keep talking.

It's properly shit isn't it. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses ladies.

I'm really jealous and angry about them all getting to have healthy pregnancies with a baby at the end of it. My mum seems to think that by holding my new niece/nephew I'll miraculously be ok and get over it and "stop moping" but I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to go to the family Christmas which will be all about the baby. I'm just so angry about it all.

I'm sorry Play , it's so bloody hard.

We lost our baby late in pregnancy last year , I returned to work after our loss about the time I would've been due to take maternity leave. Also on my return there were many colleagues announcing new pregnancies , and of course there were the staff members having babies around my due date and bringing them in to show them off.

It all broke my heart a little bit more.

I'm sorry for your losses , I hope posting here can help , even if only a little bit.

Oh my, five losses, my heart goes,out to you, truly it does 💐

I always have thought that pregnancy makes you more tolerant empathetic and able to share the fear / pain / joy of conception and whatever it brings. In my case it has done this for me three times.
Whilst I have not suffered a miscarriage, the thought of not being able to comfort a sibling or close friend that has endured one whilst I a, or was pregnant is anathema to me. It's very self indulgent and quite frankly not in keeping with the ongoing degree of selflessness and compassion we are expected to exhibit as mothers.

I don't know what else to say other than I hope you get some answers your questions regarding the multiple losses and that more than anything you have a successful pregnancy to term one day. I have two friends in their forties who've been where you are and in the last two years both had beautiful healthy babies. I hope also in time your relative and friends cotton on to the fact that love, support and understanding is a two way street.

I'm going to turn this on it's head slightly and say that I can see where they're coming from a bit.

I had this with my BF. Both got pregnant together but she miscarried at 10 weeks. I was so upset for her as it wasn't her first miscarriage. I respected her wishes and stayed out of her way, didn't mention my pregnancy at all to her, actively hid it in baggy clothing when I saw her, took her barbed comments about my weight, family, partner and his suitability to be a dad. She was grieving and I wanted to support her.

But it has ruined our friendship. I can't forgive the things she said to me. The way she made me feel. The fact that she actively hated my baby for so long. In the end I decided to put my child above my friendship. I've just backed away from her. She's since had her own child and is eager to get things back to the way they used to be. But I feel betrayed by the vitriol she has shown me. She had a right to grieve but she didn't have the right to make my pregnancy miserable, lonely and stressful (by telling me constant still birth stories).
I recently had a pregnancy loss and, although it's only one, I can't bring myself to feel upset about the many friends who are due around the same time. I love them too much to begrudge them their happiness.

Have you spoken to them directly about what is going on with you and been open and honest? What would you like them to do for you? I'm sure they are already policing what they say in their heads (unless they are totally insensitive).

@NannyOggsKnickers yes but the OP hasn't conducted herself in such a manner as your friend did!

But Nanny the OP hasn't shown any vitriol.

This has happened to me. You can't always just 'be happy' for someone else. They need to have a bit of sensitivity and realise that they are lucky and should allow you to have what you need. That right now might be space, even from family Christmas, and that's ok. And you are certainly not 'moping' and I think that's a horrible thing to suggest. I'm dreading the family wedding which I should have been bring my baby to, but now my sister will be there with hers as we were due 2 weeks apart. She got pregnant first month trying. I've been trying more than 2.5 years and have had 2 rounds of ivf, 2nd ended in mc. I also feel like I don't want anything to do with the baby. I think it's normal and part of grieving, and I'm sure it won't last forever. But for now, I'm withdrawing from anyone who doesn't 'get' it and doesn't make me feel good. I have enough bad feelings on my own without anyone else adding to them.

I get what you're saying however to my knowledge I've not let on to them that I'm upset angry and jealous. I've duly attended baby showers and smiled and been enthusiastic when necessary. Then gone home and cried. I should also hope they are internally trying to be sensitive however they haven't to date been.

The messages are coming from my mum and my husband that I need to be getting over it. I don't know how when I've still not got closure.

I would be mortified if I were your friend.

Ok, I just wanted to offer you the other side of a possible scenario. If it is your mum and your husband then they are the ones that need tackling (if you feel up to it). You can't be expected to just 'get over it'. That should be obviously not how it works.

Have you thought about having counselling? It might be a way to open up about how you are feeling without talking to people who are close enough to the events to have an opinion. A bit more of a 'safe' space explore your feelings. I know that DH doesn't quite see things in the same way as me and it does make things hard to discuss.

You have every right to be devestated with how things turned out and your DH and your mum should support you in trying to come to terms with what's happened. But it's not their body and they probably won't be thinking about it in the same way that you are. That's not an excuse for them though.

Good luck with this. It is shitty. I hope things get better for you.

i was also going to suggest counselling. you have been through a lot and there is no wonder you feel as you do. You don't just get over miscarraige. It gets bettee but never truely goes away.

I feel awful saying this but after my pfb was stillborn my bbf got pregnant with someone she hadn't been seeing long. I was wary about it from the start as it just felt so rushed. We had never discussed her wanting babies or anything so it was a surprise she was in such a rush but she seemed intent on the fairytale. She told me on my stillborns first birthday she was pregnant.

I actually feel pregnant again during her pregnancy but had a mmc at 14+2. I found out 2 daya before she was booked in for a csection. i had an erpc the next day. she had a csection the day after.

i'm not proud of this and as i dont even have a baby yet sont even have the right to comment but i have had lots od complaints about how hard family life is and i honestly hope she doesnt realise what she has said because i have been desperate for a baby for almost 3 years now in a long term relationship and its just shit although i know fine well when my time comes i will likely have lots of complaints too

I am so so sorry for your losses, it is truly awful. I understand. I have had two TFMRs and was due for the last baby at the same time as my sister. I am so happy for her, but every time I see her it is an extremely painful reminder of what I have lost. I have been told by several people that I need to get over it, as I am causing her pain.

The only way I can try to get my head round this is to think that they have not experienced the agony of these losses, and therefore cannot understand what I am going through. OP, I understand entirely, and my view is you need to do whatever is necessary to get through. Don't feel that you need to wind it in - talk here?

I'm not sure that 'get over it' is the way that I would put it. But it's important to consider how helpful to you it is to continue in a mindset that is so angry and devestated. Maybe the best thing is remove yourself altogether from the situation until you feel able to cope with seeing then, and eventually their babies. Have you thought about how you'll cope with that in the long term? Will these children always remind you of your loss? Will it effect the way you see them?

This is why I'm suggesting counselling. You need to work through these things because if you don't then there will be no way of avoiding these associations forever. Take some time out to yourself and work through the way you feel.

I only say this because I don't want you to be in the same situation as me and my BF. She is totally unaware of the effect of her words and actions. She was so sad and angry that it just all poured out of her. I'm not sure that she had that much control over it. She never had counselling and still struggles with some of the effects of her miscarriages, even after her child was born. She just got into a really unhealthy frame of mind and got stuck there. It's really impacted in all her relationships.

I'm not trying to be cruel. I just want to offer a word of warning that, not dealt with, these feelings can have unintended long term implications.

re-reading i think your dm and dh are maybe worried about how it is affecting you?

re wanting closure - what kind of closure are you hoping for?

ive had a first trimester mmc, a stillbirth and a second trimester mmc. The things that have helped me move on are counselling, talking about it, knowing there was something wrong with two babies, accepting that it is my choice whether i try again or not, having a plan in place for future pregnancies e.g. what i will do if i find myself in that scenario again.

With regards to other peoples babys - i love kids so i just enjoy being around them. I aren't envious or jealous.of their kids it's my babies i miss and long for. Yes it makes me wonder what if but it is usually just a fleeting thought and as said earlier if i want to be pregnant again i can try again. that is my choice.

Have you had any investigations into your mc's? i know it's a lengthy process but maybe that is a good starting point?

Im sorry OP. Ive lost 2 babies and its so painful. The last one was over a year ago and for no reason I cried about it on my way to work this morning.
My mum cant speak to me about it without getting irritated for some reason. I worked out because (thankfully ) she never experienced the loss of a baby she was almost angry at the "attention" it brought at the time (however strange that sounds). My ex partner ( me and baby's dad have split since) who is usually a lovely supportive man had no idea how to talk to me and thought that reminding me to " try and move on from it" was helping.

Talk to the people that understand instead OP, sending hugs x