Miscarriage and boyfriend doesn't want to try again

[Vbratt]

My boyfriend and I decided to start a family together in January. Found out we were pregnant in February and miscarried in April. As awful as it was, he's since told me he doesn't want to try again. Not to mention I'm completely devastated. We both have a child from previous relationships, and I know I'm blessed to have one!!! I thank God for the blessings I've received all the time! My son is my heart and soul.
As far as our relationship goes; we have a great little dynamic together, same values and ideas, same sense of humor, chemistry and we both love each other among many other things!! I love his daughter and enjoy my relationship with her, as well. Which is often an issue in other relationships. Not ours.
I'm 38, he's 39, he thinks he's too old to try again and believes the miscarriage was a sign that it wasn't meant to be. People miscarry and try again all the time and successfully conceive again. Maybe it's that that one wasn't meant to be, not that it doesn't have to be meant to be.
As woman we are maternal by nature. Our bodies are made to carry. For some it's our calling, for me it's my calling. It's always been one of my top goals to have a family, share that bond and that love under one household. To nurture, raise and care for my family. To have big family dinners, laughs, conversations, big holidays, that slight bit of dysfunction that's laughed at later in life, children to grow old with and not to mention the only child will have another child to lean on during hard times and eventually parental death. I know it sounds morbid, but isn't it the truth? I feel like my dreams and goals have been shattered and torn away, because he thinks it wasn't meant to be, furthermore, the miscarriage and the hormones caused riff with other subjects during that time. We never had much of a chance to mourn together. Every other party (MIL,ex, random) swarmed in reaking havoc and caused further destruction, but we stuck together through it all, because our love was stronger.
It's now been four months and his doubts are making me question what's best for my future. It makes me question Whether I'm important to him. I'm quite confused, because we're highly compatible and, well, I love him. We no longer share the same goal. Part of me feels I need time away to gather my thoughts and figure out what's important, but does time away solve anything? What about our little dynamic? What about our childrens lives? We all love each other. I don't want to take that away from them either. I'm heartbroken. I feel wilted. Do I go or do I stay? I've prayed, I've screamed, I've cried. I've asked God to guide me. I've asked my guardian angels to guide me. I'm extremely lost.

What now?

Oh dear V, so much of what you say makes sense and rings true. You have to follow your heart and if you want more children, you have to be with a man who does too. I'm struggling to understand how a miscarriage could put him off forever if he knows how you feel and you're ready to try again. How is everything else in your relationship? Is he definitely the man for you?

Hi, Thanks for responding. The relationship has been rocky since the miscarriage. He's backed away, needed much more space and doesn't always involve me in the things that he use to. It's made me question his loyalty, but I've never found anything to make me think otherwise. When I bring up the things that bother me, he seems to work on it, but then he does something else that causes me to question us. He swears I'm the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but does nothing to prove it. The most recent was wanting to take a group vacation with his ex wife, all under the same roof. He says it's important that he does that for his daughter and doesn't care if he's being insensitive of my feelings, since his daughter is most important. I informed the ex on my feelings, in which she said she understands but is now acting strange. His response was, "well, that's good. Now she'll leave me alone." So that's off.

We also have the mother who didn't take my pregnancy easily. Wasn't very happy about it and I think she's getting in his head, as well. She thinks we are too old and that it's selfish to bring a child in to this life at our age. That's also his excuse for not wanting another, but said if it happens accidentally, he'd be ok with it. I informed him he'd be the same age if we tried again right now, but is absolutely adamant about not having another...
There's also a random broad that came into the equation last year that works next door to the family business. She's friends with the mother and goes into the office daily. She's no threat, but is head over heels for him, she over steps her boundaries, I had to call her out on it, tell her to back off. He swore he was not in communication with her after that, but I looked through his phone three days after the miscarriage, and there she was.. So disrespectful!!! Months of random texts, in which he replied with very short answers to her, you can tell he was just trying to be nice, but it's the fact that he looked me in the eyes and lied straight through his teeth. I flipped my shit and he also uses that as an excuse why he wouldn't want children with me. He thinks someone that made a big deal out of something as small as this woman was uncalled for. If the tables were turned, he said he would've broke up with me for doing that to him. Constant double standard. The mother and this woman gang up on me and put shit in his head. It's all really fucked up!
I'm trying to get over all that, but now there's another thing. No kids. He swears he's not trying to run me off, but it's what it seems like at times.

I'm just really confused.

No way are you too old and no way should he be holidaying with the ex! It sounds like you could do so much better. Hugs

And his mum should stay out of it anyway!

Maybe he needs longer to come to terms with losing a baby. He might come round, but not necessarily.

The holiday with the ex is probably something he felt difficult to turn down - I've been there, it feels like you're rejecting a chance to spend quality time with your kids. Doesnt sound like either he or his ex actually wanted to do it, so maybe they were just feeling obligated.

Sounds the same re the texts with that over-familiar other woman. He should have blocked her, and ought to now if he hasn't already.

You say he's not doing anything to prove he wants to be with you, but is is mainly that he's not doing what you want him to to prove it?

4 months doesn't sound like long to get over a loss, I'd go easy on both of you if it were me.

You rule!!! I agree!!

Thank you!! I couldn't agree with you more!!

Vbratt I could have written exactly the same post.
I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now, I posted in a different thread about it.
I had a very early MMC confirmed on Monday and I have been devastated ever since. OH has point blank said we are not trying again anytime soon, he wants to wait years at least. This is slightly different from your story I know.
It's so horrible to want something that you know can help you heal and be told you can't have it, It's a double whammy for the emotions.