Again

[ImnotawitchImyourwife]

For comfort, and distraction I turn to numbers
But the only numbers that come to mind are that this is my 8th miscarriage
My 1st since my 2nd successful pregnancy.
It is the latest by 6 days in terms of the date when development ceased
The 2nd longest in overall length, 17 days behind the longest
But the gap is closing
There are 2 days until my appointment at EPAU
...well,
Only actually 33 hours, but it will feel like longer.

Numerical distraction isn't working so I might as well focus.
All I can think of are the practicalities
I have two days
(33 hours)
To prepare for what's to come
To plan how to care for the children
And how to manage the workmen arriving later in the week.
To collect supplies
To prepare the house
To prepare the family
To rehearse the stories I will tell them
To think about when, and how, it will be most convenient to expel my baby.

And it's so mechanical
And I'm so sad.

Well meaning loved ones tell me that at least I know what to expect
That at least I found out now before it went on any longer
And I have my two beautiful boys to be thankful for.
And it makes me want to scream.

Not again.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this again. Life can be so cruel. Sending you big hugs xx

Im listening.

How far along were you? Have they done test I.e give you reasons?

Did your boys know?

My two boys knew because it was post 12 week scan and that was very hard.
I'm sorry if you're having to 'break that news' too. I hope not

I'm sorry youre doing this again.

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. Listening if you need it xx

I'm sorry op. Miscarriage is shit. Have you had any testing etc? I can recommend the Tommy's funded clinics (NHS) in London/Manchester/Edinburgh for support.

I've been in a similar position, it's horrible. Sending

Thanks guys.
For those who asked: I was approaching ten weeks, development had stopped at eight and a half. I have attended a recurrent miscarriage clinic in the past and have had various tests, which found no reason for my miscarriages. I'm no spring chicken though so "age and bad luck" was the general consensus. This pregnancy seemed to be progressing well though, most of my previous ones happened before seven weeks and we had seen a heartbeat at my viability scan. I had booked a private scan for last Friday as it felt an unbearably long time from seven to twelve weeks.

Went in for a confirmation scan and discussion this morning, and for medical management late this afternoon. All of my other miscarriages have started spontaneously, so was a bit trepidatious, but there were no signs of anything starting soon and I really couldn't just wait. Fortunately (can't believe I'm using that word) it was very effective and things started very soon after I got home. I passed the baby about an hour ago after a fairly intense couple of hours of contractions and have managed to catch and store it, which is always a difficult and tense moment. I'm relieved that bit is done and have a definite sense of being over the worst. If I remain true to form I'm in for a fairly harrowing 24 hours (I've abandoned the pads and am now wearing my son's nappies) but then things should settle down fairly quickly. As before I'm finding the physical process quite cathartic and strangely calming and feel much more in control now.

This week is really not the week for DH to be taking time off work, but they're being as flexible as they can be. Friends are rallying round to help with childcare and keep me company when he can't be around. I feel better supported in that respect than I have previously and that's comforting.

Whilst the care I received today was reasonable I felt like I had to push rather more than I should have done to arrange for the baby to be tested and to be picked up again by the RMC. It would appear that by default things reset once you have a healthy pregnancy, which was disappointing. Having had the weekend to prepare meant I had gone in with a very clear mind of what I wanted to happen and I impressed myself, especially given I was alone, with how calm and forthright I was about making sure it did.
(Midwife: well usually you need to have three in a row before we...
Me:
Midwife: I'll just go and ask.)
Much as I have screamed inside whenever it's been pointed out to me, there is a certain benefit to experience.

Tippy we hadn't told DS1 yet (and DS2 is too young to understand anyway), were waiting until after 12 week scan so that's another thing to be thankful for. He's so desperate for another sibling, it would have broken his heart. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

All in all, its going about as well as I could have hoped and I'm finding a lot of positives. I am well aware of the hormonal rollercoaster to come and know I will struggle to keep that positive outlook (not my forte!) but I am allowing myself to enjoy it, in some small way, while it lasts

Wow that was long!
And therapeutic.
Thanks for listening.

Sorry for your loss