Broken and Alone after MMC. Will I ever be happy again?

[MrsCA]

On Monday 7th August my husband and I eagerly and excitedly attended our first scan at 13 weeks exactly, or so we thought. Minutes (that felt like hours) passed before we were told there was no heartbeat of our precious little baby. A baby we were so excited and grateful to have received! I sobbed in a heap as two more attempts were made to find my babies heartbeat. But nothing. Baby measured just 9+5.

The next day we went back to the hospital to have our medical management procedure. The staff and nurses couldn't have been nicer. After being in hospital all day since 11am something began to happen around 9:30pm and eventually at 11:45pm I passed our precious baby, I was calm seeing his/her tiny toes and tiny fingers but I think I was just in shock.

Fast forward to the morning and I was discharged. Now 4 days on, the heartbreak only feels as though it has gotten worse. The guilt, anger and frustration has set in. It's all I've thought about since Monday morning. I can't sleep for nightmares, I don't want to leave the house, I can't even be bothered to brush my hair. I feel so alone and heartbroken i just don't know what to do. My husband and family have been so supportive, I didn't tell many friends but the few that I did have sent their condolences but no one I know knows how this feels. I need someone to understand my pain. Will I ever be happy again? Will I have a child? What if this happens again?

I just wanted to find someone who may have had a similar experience to talk to, to offer some words of wisdom and encouragement.

Thank you,
Carly x

Hi Carly,

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. It is never fair to lose your little tiny precious baby. I lost my baby in January when I was 7 weeks (the due date is in two weeks time and I'm a mess about it). I felt exactly the same as you so completely understand what you are going through. To me, it felt like life wasn't worth living anymore. I had horrible dreams and cried all the time. I barely slept and felt like such a failure. People kept asking what they could do to help but there was nothing I wanted apart from my baby back. I promise it does get easier but certainly not yet. I still cry a lot and am still grieving and it took me a while to realise that what I was feeling was normal. You will be happy again but there will be part of you that is always sad and the miscarriage is something that changed me forever. I still class myself as a mum to that child and like to think they're still around me even if they can't be here physically - thinking like that is the only thing that got me through the worst time I think. I got a couple of things in memory of my baby - a pandora bracelet with 3 charms on it and a toy mouse which I was going to buy for the baby if everything was ok at the 3 month scan. The charms I got were an angel, birthstone of their due date and a pink heart as in my mind I was having a girl. Sending you bigs hugs xxxxx take the time you need and take the time to grieve xxxxx

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot. I am also so sorry for your loss, stay strong through your angels due date.
I am having awful dreams at the moment. Not only does it take me ages to drift off when I finally decide to go up to bed I'm waking through the night with awful dreams and sobbing.
I can already feel that I will be changed forever. This is the worst heartache I have ever felt and just cannot believe it has happened. I will always class myself as a mum to my little angel baby. The hardest part at the moment is feeling immense guilt even thought I did everything I could to be healthy for my baby.
What a lovely idea of a pandora bracelet to remember your angel by. I haven't got that far yet but I know at some point I will do something to remember her/him by.

Thank you so much again. Big hugs to you. Stay strong. xxxxxxxxxx

I am so sorry Carly, just wanted to say I am thinking of you xx

Thank you so much, it means a lot xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss

I went through the same thing recently and sadly there are many out there that have been through the same. It's the single most horrific thing that's happened to me emotionally and physically.

I wrote down my feelings in a post on MN called A Mother Knows. It was very therapeutic to get out my experience and feel I had documented it.

Mumsnet was a massive help to me during that time. Only a few weeks on I'm feeling a million times better and my grief although still there is a lot less. So things will get better, take your time and look after yourself x

I also told a couple of select people at work and that helped me a lot. It's okay to tell people so they understand if you're not yourself. If you want to of course.

I went through exactly the same thing, 23 years ago. I can still remember the shock that the excitement of that first scan turned into something so devastating.

Give yourself some time to grieve for the baby that you lost, and also understand that your Dh will be grieving too.

This may not help at the moment, when it's so raw, but I just wanted to say that my beautiful eldest DD will be 22 in October, and my youngest has just turned 20. She was born almost exactly 3 years later.

Thinking of you x

Thank you so much for replying. I am also so sorry for your loss.

I never knew that I could feel pain like this. Just when I think I can get through the day without crying, I can't.

Thank you, I really do appreciate it xx

Thank you, as weird as it may sound it's nice to hear others experiences as it lets me know I'm not alone when I feel so lonely.
It takes all my strength to get up and get dressed at the moment so I appreciate the support.

It feels good to be able to talk to others who have been through the same thing even if only very briefly xx

@MrsCA I am so sorry this has happened to you. I went through the same thing in January.

You are understandably riding an emotional roller coaster at the moment; heartbreak, grief, confusion and this is on top of the hormones that are playing hell with you.

All I can advise is to to be kind to yourself. You can get through this. I found MN the biggest support to me. I couldn't get my words out in RL and my husband was shattered to pieces. Friends didn't know what to do or say.

I'm here with the other ladies holding your hand 💐

@theotherendofthesockportal thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry that you had to go through this too.

My emotions and hormones are definitely playing havoc with me at the moment.
My Husband had been more than amazing even though he is just as broken as I am. My family have been so supportive and check on me all the time. My friends, well not many knew I was pregnant as we hadn't announced yet and the ones that do know I just don't think they understand and know what to say.

I know the best way for me to heal is to talk about it and MN is helping me with that.

Thank you so much xxxx

@MrsCA how are you doing today?

@theotherendofthesockportal thank you for asking! Today has been the hardest day. Exactly a week since we heard the words that made our world fall apart. Lots of crying today but holding it together xx

@MrsCA I am sorry that today has been such a hard day for you. It is important that you make time to be sad and grieve over what has happened to you. It also important to try and think about some positive things to, are you able to think about booking or a holiday, going for a coffee with a friend in a week or so? Or even sending your OH to the shop to buy a nice bar of chocolate for you?

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you 💐

I'm sorry you're going through this mrsca x I'm almost a year on from my mmc, and my advice to you is to get some counselling if you feel you need it. I've only just been referred as it's obvious I'm still suffering, which I've been trying to deal with privately, quite unsuccessfully it seems. My miscarriage wasn't discovered at a scan, it happened very suddenly when I started bleeding very heavily and I think the pure shock of what happened and then being so close to death myself from bloodloss has, as you say, changed me forever. It's been a very difficult year and I wish I'd sought help earlier. I've been referred to a gynaecologist after having a year of very heavy and erratic bleeding since and found the appointment very distressing as it was in the same hospital where it all happened. I'd always have considered myself a very strong person, and have been through some awful times in my life, but this really has broken me. But I'm hopeful that with some help this next year will be better. I was grateful at the time that someone on here told me not to feel myself for a good six months after my large blood transfusion as after a few weeks of feeling rubbish I was thinking it was just me being feeble. Take your time with physical and emotional recovery. Rest and talk as much as you feel able x

@theotherendofthesockportal I know, I will try to think of some positives to look forward to. I try to take each day as it comes and not plan too much at the moment because I never know how I feel and don't want to let people down if I change my mind but you're right, I need a few things to look forward to. Thank you xx

@sloanepeterson I'm so sorry to hear about your awful year! It's a terrible thing to go through, talking about it is definitely helping me! I'm glad you have recognised that you may need alittle extra help. I'm trying to stay open about the whole experience and not bottle it up. I've found in the past this has helped with heartache I've had. Best wishes to you and thank you for taking the time to comment xx