Distraught after miscarriage rollercoaster

[Vicky369]

Hello
On Tuesday the 25th July I was feeling nauseous and fatigue so decided to do a pregnancy test. We had been trying for 6 months. To our delight I was 4 weeks pregnant. This being my second pregnancy. After downloading baby apps, getting excited and dreaming away unfortunately Friday 28th I went to the toilet and had brown spotting. I screamed as was frightened. (I bled with my first pregnancy at 8 weeks and was fine and went on to have my daughter) I just had a bad feeling ended up going to a n e as doctors not very helpful. When I arrived they did a urine test it was negative I was in shock I then had to go to the outpatient surgery to be discharged, the doctor performed another urine test it came back positive I was very confused. I then went and had a blood test to check hcg levels. The dr phoned me later that day and told me my levels were fine and he could assume I was pregnant and maybe it was implantation bleeding. He advised to monitor the situation as I was too early for a scan. Last Saturday and Sunday I had brown spotting mainly when I went to toilet. Remaining hopeful and anxious at the same time that I would be ok. Then Monday this week I didn't bleed all day until the evening when it was red and clots present. I was hysterical wailing and desperate for baby to be ok. We went to a n e again where numerous urine tests were negative and my hcg levels had now dropped significantly. The doctors told me I had an early miscarriage did a vaginal exam to check how bad my blood loss
Was which was uncomfortable and humiliating. I sobbed my heart out with my partner beside me crying too. I was given a leaflet told to where sanitary towels and to take some time. I am distraught. This week I've had off work, I feel I'm going through so many emotions and questions thoughts whizzing round and round in my head. I have cried and cried and cried, I have felt utter disbelief like is this happening and that it's surreal. I have felt guilty that I did something wrong but then guilty that I have my daughter should I be upset when I have her? I feel embarrassed and humiliated like I'm not fit for purpose. I have had anxiety before and now daily I'm anxious panicking and irrational. Today I have felt angry, like PMS looking at ways to mark baby like pebble and candle in garden then thinking hang on I wanted a baby not a pebble! I'm so frightened worried my emotions will get out of control I still need to function I still need to be a mum to my daughter. I'm so scared how do u feel better? I'm dreading work dreading facing my bosses who have been nice but will they understand? I'm scared of getting an infection scared when I go toilet and the bleeding. Scared of TTc in the future and going through this again and people judging me for it? I'm so sad so angry so scared and don't know how to feel better. My hubby and family have been great but I feel closed off at times. Any help would be much appreciated thankyou x

So sorry you are feeling like this. You mustn't bland yourself. This definitely doesn't mean you're not fit for purpose. As many as 80% of miscarriages this early will be down to a chromosomal abnormality with the embryo according to my consultant, especially as you've already successfully had your daughter.
It gets easier, I promise.

Sorry that should say you mustn't blame yourself X

Hi @Vicky369,

Im thinking it may "help" (help not being the right word here) if you hear some other peoples stories.

I personally took a test at 4 weeks and after 6 months of trying i had to take 4 other tests to make sure it was right, i was SO excited... couldnt wait to tell my DH ... after 3 weeks of keeping it our little secret and me feeling very weel just painfull boobs and tiered .. we told our families in an elaberate way thinking all was well and good. A week later i had my 1st midwife appointment and the lady told me it all sounded good and like a textbook pregnancy!! .. i walked out on top of the world .. the day after i started spotting and some how i just new it wasnt just spotting, i felt so sick ... i went to A&E and like you i found them SO unhelpful, i waited 3 hours to be told they wasnt sure if it was impantation bleeding or not and i should wait and see and take a test in 3 days WHAT THE HELL ... anyway after that the bleeding was continuous - not lots but enough to have to wear a towel ... my DH called the early pregnancy unit on the sunday when i woke up crying knowing that our 5 weeks of happiness has been ripped away from us... i had an internal scan to be told my 9 week gestation sack looked healthy but the fetas has come away and i should sit tight until the sack comes away too ... was sent home sobbing and booked in for another internal a week later... went back to find my gestation sack was now "disfigured" as they put it so there was still a fair bit to come away and they suggested the 4 tablets (medical management) and signed me off ... this sunday was my rescan and i have been told the MC has been complete.

the first 9 days i cried on and off most of the day, i too felt like i must have done something wrong and the "why me" and i felt stupid for being so bloody happy for the 5 weeks we knew. I also felt myself jealous of people who were pregnant or not hating people who have babies when they drink and smoke throughout the pregnancy etc. Everybody who told me the typical 'everything happens for a reason' and 'at least you can conceive' i had to hold back from slapping them but honestly one day i just had a little word with myself and thought i will be a mum one day, the world is cruel and i HATE HATE HATE the fact this has happened to me but the only option i have is to pull myself together go through the next 4-6 week get my period and go again ... but only i could tell myself, i love my DH and my mum and friends for being there but no one could tell me when to be better.

Im not 100% better dont get me wrong, today is my first day back at work and its irritating the people who are laughing and joking but its another step into normality (i know you probably dont ant to get back into normality because i know i didnt as it was almost like admitting i wasnt pregnant as crazy as that sounds and i wanted so badly to be pregnant still)

They never give a reason for miscarriage which is one of the cruellest things but i know i done nothing wrong and was uber careful from the second i suspected it ... i have never been a HUGE drinker and never taken drugs but none of that matters as awful as it is its something that you could never have stopped from happening.

I hope in your own time you will be strong again and i know your daughter will be one of the main reasons you will get there. im sorry you have had to go through this. xxx

Thank you so much for ur responses it has helped massively and made
Me feel that I'm in charge of my emotions and I can get through this x

Best of luck @Vicky369 Its mad how venting to other ladies in your position can help .. sometimes its better to talk to people who dont know you so they can see it from a total outsiders point of view.

I all of us in our positions go on to have happy healthy pregnancies and can come out the other end saying were stronger for it! some silver linings HAVE to come out of the awful situations!

Vicky I don't know if you're still there l, I can see your posts are few days ago, but wanted to say my experience sounds v similar to yours...

I found out I was pregnant 10 days ago which put me at 4 weeks too. We'd also been ttc our 2nd for 6 months so I was so happy. I tested several times in the next few days, passed the date period due, and tested again just in case, all positive, and I felt pregnant, just like last time.

Then towards the end of the week a tiny bit of spotting, which I hoped was 'normal' and nothing to worry about. But inside I was panicking. Similar experiences of speaking to midwife/EPU and them being quite dismissive, can't scan, too early, wait it out. Although I suppose they couldn't do anything more for me at that point.

Fast fwd to yesterday and bleeding heavily, terrible cramps, and by the time the EPU tested me, my hormone levels so low as to be negative so I was no longer pregnant. I couldn't understand how they could be so low so quickly so must've been declining rapidly over days...

One nurse in particular who'd taken all my details and knew we'd been trying for ages, tracking ovulation, tested positive several times and was certain of my dates was great and very sympathetic .... but the other, who gave me the test results, said "its negative, is that what you were expecting?" (As if I'd sat there sobbing at Epu just to get a free pregnancy test ?!) and when I said "well no it's not, because I've been testing positive since X date and should be 5 weeks pregnant today" she said oh right so you've tested then? And, so are you bleeding then?! Er, yes I am ff sake!!!!! The way she delivered this felt like such a blow to me.

Made me feel as though I'd got it wrong and wasn't really pregnant or fantasised the whole thing. Im 36, I've been tracking my ovulation for 7 months, I know how to read a Pregnancy test (several times) and I don't make a habit of turning up at hospitals for no reason, having a baby is everything to me/to us.

I could go on and on but my feelings are pretty much how you've already described... the anger, sadness obviously, the guilt, horror. Fear for what comes next.

I feel I don't have the right to be this upset after such a short time (and I do understand that experiencing this loss days... weeks or months later down the line would be much, much traumatic, and I'm no thankful that didn't happen.) I feel at this stage it's judged by people as almost the same as a late period. I have heard it wasn't meant to be.... at least you can conceive .... etc etc.

Rant over. If you read this I hope you're (all) ok and getting lots of love and support. If you're still about and wanting to chat/rant/compare notes/whatever .... XX

Hello inpatientmummy I'm still here thanks for responding to me. I'm sorry you went through a traumatic time too. Sounds like it was similar to me. I'm 32 nearly and feel ever so naive and at times foolish that the idea this could happen to me just didn't cross my mind. Because of my daughter I assumed all would be ok how wrong was I? Me and hubby feel like the 6 months of trying was ages as we conceived quickly with my daughter. We monitored and monitored etc and finally the news we were hoping for and sadly feel like we have now been robbed. I was back and forth from hospital and it felt like torture being told to wait as no scans available etc. it hurt and was confusing with the tests being positive and negative too. When the doctor did the vaginal exam that's when he told me my hcg level was 8 I was in shock incredibly vulnerable and just wanted to cry but I was lying on a bed waiting to be examined it was awful. I had a prior ultrasound internal booked for 5 weeks a few days later as they were worried it could have been ectopic I said surely I should cancel and they said no go to make sure all ok. I felt so anxious sick with worry and didn't want to go but did. They made me do another pregnancy test and it was negative I then get told they don't do scans on women with negative results so I was there for nothing just more humiliation and upset. I have cried quite a bit since my last post and still very like its very surreal did it happen etc and at one point a silly thought entered my mind where I was like maybe everyone else is wrong and baby is actually ok? Stupid I know. It hurts and even though I carried baby for a very short while I loved him or her immediately. That baby was my future with my hubby and daughter. I got swept away dreaming and getting excited and now can only hope baby is looked after in heaven and I somehow get stronger each day. My daughter makes me smile she is my strength without even knowing it bless her and my hubby has been lovely. It's just a world I never knew and will take time. I pray that you are finding strength and peace and trying to make sense of it all. Godbless u x

Hi, thanks for your reply and I'm so sorry you went through all of that.

It's such a horrendous time anyway, but the way you're dealt with by hospital staff can really make a devastating experience even worse.

We were exactly the same, conceived first cycle with first baby, healthy pregnancy etc, all perfect really. How naive to think it would be that way this time round! We started trying in Feb, I started off being amazed that I wasn't pregnant each month. Then as the months went by I felt like it would never happen. Then finally it did, and for it to end this way is just heartbreaking and i am still in denial I think. How did I assume this couldn't happen to me? I'm someone who has to give myself a good talking to sometimes to tell myself "stop worrying, nothing will go wrong". Obviously it can and did.

And its certainly not stupid to me, I keep doing the same. I was so in the mindset of being pregnant again, I can't shift it. The worst for me is walking each morning, or in the night, at first with that vague feeling that somethings happened, and then within seconds remembering.

I honestly don't know how I'd manage if it wasn't for my little boy keeping me going!

How has it left you feeling about trying again? Xx

Hello again inpatientmummy, bless you im sorry you have times where u vaguely remember something has happened n then remember etc that must be awful. I still feel foolish and naive not sure how to shift that maybe in time? I went back to work this week had s moment of tears then resumed. I seem to be functioning my little girl is the best at making me smile, then in them moments when u allow yourself to think reflect process etc the tears come ever so quickly 🙁 It's really strange and with regards to ttc I wanted another baby and sibling for my daughter and whilst deep down I still do and actually last week was angry about it like I like anyone else
Deserve a baby and nothing will stand in my way n then reality hits "what if this happens
Again" can I be physically and emotionally strong enough so very confused right now, how are u feeling about it? Out of interest where are u from xx

Hi Vicky, going back to work must've been hard though maybe a distraction for you, I hope your colleagues were kind to you. We're all off at home because should have been on holiday this week, my little boy kindly got chicken pox so we could use that as the reason we didn't go and didn't have to tell people about me. But we've had to entertain him and step daughter who's 11 and it's been the last thing I've wanted to do. I've been angry with OH because I wanted him to say we couldn't have his daughter given what had happened, but I know he was compromised and he couldn't do that in reality (we have her for half of every school holidays and it's set in stone, no negotiation or changes possible.) I don't feel I've had any time to get over this, and we've certainly had no time together to even talk about it, our little boy is asleep for 7 but she doesn't go to bed until late or keeps popping downstairs again during evening so we've not been able to talk and it's very strained. I know he's upset too but I don't think he gets that it's different for me, it's my body it happened to.

I know what you mean, the fear will be there now of a) will I conceive again and b) will this happen again. It's innocence lost really isn't it?! I never believed it would happen and feel like anything could happen now. I've developed a bit of an irrational fear that something could happen to my little boy as well which I need to knock on the head ASAP because I know it's irrational. We were on motorway yesterday and I was so nervous thinking, what if we crash... I want to check him when he's asleep and worried this morning when he still hadn't woken at 7, which is so silly because he's 3 and healthy.

I think maybe we just have to hold on to the fact that we had had a healthy pregnancy/child already and there's no reason that won't happen for us again. When I was sat in the hospital EPU waiting, the posters everywhere said '1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage' and I never considered it was that high! I sailed through last pregnancy and yes, I did worry and had loads of extra scans for reassurance, but I never really believed he wouldn't be here at the end of it. So although that's a horrendous statistic, I suppose the positive side to that is that: it's random; it can happen to anyone, it wasn't something we did or didn't do to cause it. I know the only thing that will allow me to get over this properly is getting pregnant again and having a healthy baby. It's just so hard isn't it...

We're in Stockport area x

Hello again

I understand your irrational fear of ur little one i too am the same with my daughter who is 3. I've been on edge more and making sure she is safe etc.