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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Help! DP backing out of TTC post M/C - first pregnancy

11 replies

vitadolce2015 · 31/07/2017 21:06

Hi all,

Just need a bit of advice. I don't know if anyone has been through this.

I miscarried at around 7 weeks two weeks ago. At the time, the first thing DP said was we'll try again as soon as my body bounced back and I was ready. He said very specifically that we could ttc after first AF arrives.

However he's now become really vague and seems to be backing out. He says he needs to figure some stuff out and he's not in the right headspace to bring a child into the world atm (other stuff pre m/c). My gut is telling me he wants to wait for A long time .

I'm devastated by this, his words after the mc are what have been getting me though this. All I want now is to be a mama and get pg as soon as possible, and I feel like he's taking it away from me. I just really miss my little bean and and ready to start trying again.

Has anyone been through this??? Help much appreciated

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

vitadolce2015 · 01/08/2017 12:17

Can anyone help?? I'm feeling quite desperate

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 01/08/2017 12:27

Sorry for your loss. Maybe it's a delayed grief on his part and a bit more time is needed?

What is the pre m/c issue if you want to share? Could put a bit more perspective on things

Original poster

vitadolce2015 · 01/08/2017 13:04

Thank you Polly, he lost his father - so it's a big one. It's all v understandable, but it's like torture not knowing if it's going to be for a month or a year. Feel like I'll be in limbo until he says we can try again.

OP posts:

theleavesaregreener · 01/08/2017 13:15

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss - this is really hard and it's going to be really hard for you to do but I think you need to back off and give him some space to come to terms with his grief (for both) and he will be ready again. The more you push the more he may run scared.

theleavesaregreener · 01/08/2017 13:19

It's really important that you remember that you have to both be on board, you want to have HIS baby not just any baby, you have to be a team and a unit and you are going to need his full support when you do get pregnant again. It will happen, but you need to show him love, respect, patience and support and you will get there and try again when you're both ready. Trust me I really do fully understand how hard this is for you and how desperately you want to prioritise trying again. But prioritise him and your relationship and you'll be in a better place when you do become parents. Good luck xxx

theleavesaregreener · 01/08/2017 13:21

One further thought - just consider if the tables were turned and he was pressuring you to try again how that would make you feel if you'd also just lost a parent and didn't feel mentally ready - it might help you to understand where he's coming from. Not trying to be harsh - I fully 100% sympathise and understand your frustration!

ChickenBhuna · 01/08/2017 13:24

It's really hard OP. Such a personal decision. I think you should maybe leave it for a month or two then ask him again. Once he's had processing time he'll be more likely to agree to a time frame with a clear head , and it's only fair that he's able to do this.

However , I do understand your need to type again quickly. My partner and I lost our baby at 21 weeks last year and had to both come to terms with grief and make big decisions about future ttc at the same time , it was really tough.

We decided to observe and respect our baby's due date and use those months to get both our bodies as ready as possible for parenthood (weight loss , vitamins , exercise etc) before trying again. We waited four months in total which was good for us both.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and I hope your chat with dh goes well.

ChickenBhuna · 01/08/2017 13:25

Try not type.

Original poster

vitadolce2015 · 01/08/2017 13:57

Thank you all for your messages! I think you're right, I'll try to calm down for a couple of months and give him some time. It's just such a hard time because I fell pg so soon after we lost his dad, and it was a surprise but brought us so much joy in such a dark situation. Now it's like we're both so devastated by everything it's hard to support each other. We're a strong team though. I'll try to be patient. Xxx

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 01/08/2017 14:13

Vita - I think that's a good decision for you both.

Enjoy eachother's company and look after eachother for a bit. Maybe even have a break (just a night in a b and somewhere away from home if money is tight).

If it helps you could also plan a way to remember your lost baby.

Take care

bluebird3 · 02/08/2017 09:44

We have been going through the same thing, so I know how hard it is and how much emotion there is to process. I would just back off for a bit and not make a big deal of it. Maybe you could say...let's not 'try' (aiming for dates, opks, etc) but not use bc either and just see what happens?

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