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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Numbness wearing off

14 replies

emwithme · 25/07/2017 19:15

And I don't think I can cope. I can't do this again.

I am supposed to be 12+1 pregnant. I am supposed to be announcing happily to the world the arrival of a new member of the family in February. Instead we found out yesterday our baby stopped growing at 9 weeks.

We had a (natural) MC in March, at 7 weeks. That was, frankly, shit, but my body seemed to do what it needed to (took 10 days from first bleeding to passing sac, and 2 days after that I got a BFN). We conceived again two cycles later.

This time I paid for a private scan at 8 weeks - I was going on a city break with a load of friends, and didn't want to have to fake reasons for not drinking. We saw a perfectly sized bean, with a decent heartbeat, and so were reassured that everything would go well. When the friends noticed I wasn't drinking, I told them I was pregnant and everyone was thrilled I even had a glass of wine knocked over me one person was so excited

And then on Sunday I had blood when I wiped, and then cramps that doubled me over. Scanned on Monday morning, and no heartbeat, baby stopped growing 3 weeks ago. Lots of tears, lots of hugs (DH is being an absolute star, and I know he's bottling it all up), lots of cider and unpasteurised blue cheese for lunch.

I'm booked in for an ERPC on Friday morning (the earliest time they could do). I was feeling so numb up until this evening when I started crying at The Frog Chorus on the radio. Why the fuck would hearing The Frog Chorus make me cry? But now I can't breathe for feelings and all I want is to curl up into a little ball and make it go away.

But that won't make it go away.

This was meant to be our rainbow. This wasn't meant to be the storm coming back again.

I don't know whether I can handle this...but what is the alternative? I can't not handle it. It's happening. I HAVE to handle it.

I have to tell the friends I was away with (it's a big group of people so I could just post on our FB group and I know I would get a big outpouring of love but I don't want that. But I also do.) I am so confused and conflicted. I just want to go to sleep until it's all over.

OP posts:

laurelstar · 25/07/2017 21:05

Hang on in there. I know this feels so painful but you will feel better soon and you will get your rainbow baby. Even after multiple miscarriages my consultant told me that most women keep their next pregnancy.
Thinking of you x

keeponrunning85 · 25/07/2017 21:49

So sorry you're going through this again.

You shouldn't have to handle this again but you can and you will. And it will get better.

If you feel able to reach out to a friend or two. It will help.

K0013 · 25/07/2017 22:41

Massive hugs, I am so so sorry you are having to go through this again. Reach out to your friends when you are ready to, it may help you to know you have more people to turn to. In the meantime post on here whenever you need some support hopefully we can try and help in any way we can x

weasledee · 26/07/2017 13:56

Hi em, I know where you're coming from, I had a early miscarriage in April and this morning we found out our baby had passed away at 13 weeks....
just wanted you to know you're not alone and i could relate to everything you wrote x

emvy · 26/07/2017 16:09

As others are saying, hang on in there. The storm will pass again. These things change us but you will get through it. Let the tears fall and feel the pain, it's what you need for the time being. I'm so so sorry, life is shit.

Original poster

emwithme · 26/07/2017 19:54

Thank you all. It means a lot to know others have been through the same.

I started bleeding very heavily and passing huge clots this afternoon (soaking a night time sanitary towel in 20 minutes heavy) so we went off to A&E, where I promptly passed out and spent 3 hours on a drip having fluids (and - TMI alert - passing clots and tissue the size of my hand at times). Hospital sanitary pads are great, though. They may be the size of a small mattress but OMG they are so absorbent.

Strangely, I'm much calmer today, now it seems my body is handling things how it's meant to. We still need to come on Friday morning for the ERPC, but they will scan me beforehand and may not need to do the surgery, which will be a positive.

DH is being an absolute star. I don't know what I'd do without him.

OP posts:

emvy · 26/07/2017 20:21

Oh you poor thing that sounds incredibly traumatic. I'm glad you're feeling more calm. Please look after yourself and don't do anything for the next few days. It's great DH is being wonderful - make sure he waits on you hand and foot!

laurelstar · 26/07/2017 20:41

Very sorry to hear your news weasledee, that must have been an awful shock today. Was it at your anomaly scan?
em hope things are progressing okay, keep squeezing DH's hand! X

Original poster

emwithme · 30/07/2017 14:51

Well I ended up back in A&E on Thursday night (a giant clot just would NOT pass and DH thought it was sensible to call the paramedics). The clot finally shifted when we arrived at A&E followed by all the blood that had built up behind it...I was glad I wasn't at home for that. So another couple of hours on fluids and IV painkillers/tranexamic acid I was sent home.

ERPC went ahead on Friday as it clear there was still tissue remaining, the surgery itself went very well, according to the medics. We had a few tears on Friday afternoon, and a few more last night, but emotionally I am feeling a lot better now. DH has gone back to work today (he works 4 on 4 off and was supposed to be in Thursday/Friday/Saturday but took those off to look after me, which I am very grateful for) and I'm sitting on the settee catching up on crap TV and eating giant chocolate buttons.

We have discussed the future, and we are agreed that once we've had the medical all-clear from this, we'll try again and hope that it's third time lucky. (and if it's not, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it)

OP posts:

weasledee · 30/07/2017 20:52

Hi em, I had my medical miscarriage and passed the baby on Friday.
We too are a bit in limbo but are also talking about tryin again soon....
Wishing you a speedy recovery x

yellowfrontdoor · 30/07/2017 21:11

Hi Em. So sorry for your loss

I had my second miscarriage 3 weeks ago now, it's so shit. I would say I've reached the stage where I'm feeling more positive. DH & I have decided to keep trying, we don't want to give up on our rainbow baby.

When you're ready, seek us out on the ttc after miscarriage board.
Sending hugs.

bananafanana1 · 30/07/2017 21:46

Oh dear it's just so traumatic. Be kind to yourself, and keep eating the chocolate buttons!

Mine was just over three weeks ago. I find that I have good and bad days emotionally but it's getting easier. We're going to try again as soon as we can. We do know that we really wanted to have a family.

Original poster

emwithme · 03/08/2017 13:12

So I'm almost a week on and am feeling a lot better, both physically and emotionally. The bleeding has almost stopped (I'm down to a panty liner more for the feeling of security it gives me, I haven't bled onto it in two days). Going to the GP tomorrow for a bit of a check-up (and debrief, essentially), and to see if there's anything we can do when we get pregnant again (aspirin or similar) to minimise the risk of this happening again.

OP posts:

SnoozeTime · 03/08/2017 13:23

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Be kind to yourself, it is natural to grieve, your have suffered a tremendous loss. I have been there and I still feel the heartbreak of losing our baby. Take each day as it comes. There are no words that comfort or take from your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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