Dealing with reactions of close family and friends

[CatLady33]

Hello everyone,
I've suffered two miscarriages and currently have no living children. I wanted to seek you advice on how to manage insensitive or inappropriate reactions from friends and family. Many of mine, don't spend more than a minute discussing my difficulties before moving on to a different topic, or advice me to stress myself or get attached to a new baby if I conceive (as though this is possible). What I found most challenging are reactions from friends who have never experienced a miscarriage and have given birth to healthy children, stating that they know exactly what I am going through and that it happens to everyone. How do you deal with this? I am gradually beginning to distance myself from them because I simply cannot deal with these reactions on top of grieving process and other life concerns...

So sorry for your losses

I think people don't know how to react. They might fear upsetting you, or just find it uncomfortable.

A lady down our road suffered a still birth, and she told me when we were chatting (as I noticed she was no longer pregnant) and I started asking questions. Was it a boy or girl, did you pick a name for him, etc and she opened up and chatted about everything (some of which was pretty uncomfortable to listen to TBH) but afterwards, she said thank you for being interested and not just avoiding me/changing the subject. It was nice to talk about it.

Are you close enough to family or friends to say, please can I talk about what's happened? I'd get it all out in the open. I love communication, and rather than guess what someone is thinking, I'd rather just get it all out and get conversation going (if that's what you want).

Maybe they'd appreciate it too. Don't distance yourself though, it'll make it worse, and also if they are good friends, they will welcome any advice on talking about what is a difficult subject.

xx

So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had a mmc last year and it was beyond devastating. All everyone could talk about was how they knew someone it had happened to and now they have healthy children. That's lovely, but it doesn't help. I'm a teacher and I had to have time off as i love my job but i couldn't face working with other people's children. Not many people understood that.
Have you had any counselling? I had some sessions with cruse and it was very helpful.
I was lucky and got pregnant again quickly and our daughter is now 3 months, but i was very anxious throughout the pregnancy and I still think of the little one we lost and have a memorial in the garden.
If you need to chat, there are lots of us here fine through similar.

I'm really sorry that you've been through this and that you're not finding people around you as supportive as you'd hoped. I've had three and have also sometimes been a bit upset by the advice/response I've got - endless quoting of statistics to tell me that it's 'very common', a lot of 'don't worry it'll definitely happen for you' (are you a soothsayer now?) and a scattering of 'it's not helping you getting so stressed about it' (thanks for the suggestion that it's my fault - as if I don't already feel like that). At what stage did yours happen? I only ask because mine were all v early (two at five weeks, one at seven) and I think that means they don't really 'count' to a lot of people (if I get one more 'in the past no one would even have known' I'll scream!). One friend told me that another friend had had a miscarriage and added 'and hers was really sad - they'd seen a heart beat'. The thing is, I absolutely know that a lot of women go through a lot worse than me but that doesn't stop me being sad, and terrified.

Thank you so very much for responses ladies; I find it sad but encouraging to know I'm not alone in this situation. gluteustothemaximus, what you were able to do for that lady was remarkable, and greatly appreciated I am sure. I guess expressing to others directly that I would like to talk about it may be helpful. I'm just so disappointed and upset with their reactions, that I prefer to not even try, but I'm questioning this decision of mine. Helbelle75, I am so very sorry for your loss and the non helpful responses from others. I am honestly considering seeking professional care to help me with future pregnancies, I'm very glad to hear it was helpful for you. LisaSimpsonsbff, I am always amazed by the variety of hurtful responses people are able to produce- Ugh! One miscarriage was on week 8.5, so after we've already seen a heart beat; the image during the second exam was haunting (no heart beat), which also added to my difficulty. Second one was an empty sac at 7.5 weeks. I do think this may have led others to say that it was very early on, and that it's better because the fetus was not well. I wish us all blessings and healthy pregnancies from now on!

I understand this well. I had a miscarriage about 4 weeks ago now (5wks) and when I found out I was loosing it, I reached out my best friend. She said she would rino me but she didn't. She tried later in the week, but I didn't answer because it all felt a bit too late.
My other friend sento me a fb message and I haven't heard from her in about 3 weeks. I have had some amazing support from others though but it really makes you realise a thing or two about your friends. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive but Ithe hurt. I also had really unhelpful comments such as "I'm sure you will have a baby soon".
It didn't help that the midwife also came to help house last week. Nobody had bothered to tell her and my Dr on the day if the miscarriage was the most insensitive Dr I have ever met. "I'm just wondering what I do now?" Reply "well..there isn't any high you can do" " do I need a scan?" Reply "a scan? There's nothing there to scan".

People can be idiots. My advice.. don't tell anyone apart from your partner. I made the mistake of telling a couple of close friends and it didn't get me very far.

I am so sorry to hear about all the losses and I wish everyone on here he very best of luck in the future.
At least we have each other on here! I don't know about you guys but it's still very raw for me. Take care
X

I'm really struggling. I'm sick of people telling me they are sorry or that they are praying for me. I'm not religious and it feels like they obviously don't know me well enough otherwise they would realise that's not the right thing to say to me.

I had a daughter then a miscarriage a year later. People said it was just as well as they would have been too close together and I should just be thankful for and enjoy my daughter. One Aunt asked me if I had been hoping for a boy, then went straight on to tell me all about her own healthy grandsons. Another person told me it was probably my fault for getting pregnant too soon and others assumed it was an accidental pregnancy so I was lucky to have got away with it!!! My daughter is now 27. I had 3 more children ( all over 21 now) and two late miscarriges when resulted in more thoughtless and stupid comments from idiots. Best of luck to everyone trying to conceive again now xxxx

Ugh.. the "I'm praying for you" spiel. Guess what? I'm a Christian and even if hate that. I would never force than on anyone and think it's really intrusive (sorry that you've had to deal with that!!)
Buttercup I am shocked by your experience. It really is awful. Are these people not human!!?

I am the type that needs to talk about it and feel that my friends (apart from one amazing gem) haven't been there at all. And it really surprised me actually. I thought I would get a different response. I suppose some people just don't really know what to say and if they haven't been there, then they can't relate. That's how I am trying to see it.. because I feel let down by some. I don't know if that's wrong of me, or if of should try and understand them more. But the comments you've have Buttercup are non excusable.
X

It's hard to think people don't realise they're being insensitive.
We told pretty much everyone we knew that we were expecting and it was just awful everyone asking about the pregnancy or having to tell people we lost it.
So many comments about it happens to so many people and you should be greatful it was early on and not later. Oh and that there was probably something wrong with the foetus. It just doesn't help hearing it.
I even had my best friend tell me that at least mine wouldn't have looked like a baby when I lost it and hers did and how she had no one when she lost hers last year, whereas I do. Was the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. And yeah, it did look like a baby actually

Oh Ilovecoleslaw I am so sorry. Your best friend doesn't sound like a good one at all... it sounds like she is very preoccupied with herself. Speaking of which, my best friend has been very similar through my miscarriage. Is this the way she normally is? Because I was quite shocked that mine had been so insensitive, especially knowing that I am a really sensitive person!

Yeh I had thought comments too. It's awful. A friend of mine actually miscarried on the same day as me which was odd and she was a lot further along, yet she knew I was having a hard time and took me out on the weekend for a girly night.
It was lovely.

We also told lots of people and i have to say, I will never again. It's heartbreaking having to tell people the bad news. But it's also made me realise that a lot of the people I told actually didn't really care when I lost it. It sounds very similar. You get to know who your real friends are, that's for sure!!! Good luck with it all. This is a great site to vent!

Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. it is really sad to learn how many of us encounter an additional layer of suffering we must cope with in addition to our premature losses. I guess this is another testament to how incredibly strong we are in the face of adversity. I find it very comforting to have this community; I have a platform where I can disclose my experiences openly, have them be normalized, and gain support.

raysunshine she's not normally like that no, I think she just hadn't emotionally dealt with her own miscarriage.
We won't be telling anyone until we have to next time around. Preferably 20+ weeks, bump permitting.
CatLady33 glad you feel like that op