Deciding whether to try again

[justcurious40]

On Monday I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating that day. I was 8 weeks 5 days along. I had medical management and it was a very traumatic event, seeing my perfect little baby pass. Since then I have been very anxious about the bleeding and possibility of retained products, etc.

When I found out on Monday, the doctor made some comments like "You've made space for the next baby", and I was adamant that I was not going to try again and put myself through this again.

As the days have passed, I'v of course considered trying again. Sometimes I think it is the only way to heal.

But I am so afraid of this happening again, or even something worse. What if it was in the 2nd or 3rd trimesters, what if I had to have a TFMR? I am 41 so that is a real worry.

I am also in the very lucky position to already have four children. I thought we needed five for our family to be complete, but perhaps it is not fair on them to keep trying.

How do people make this decision, and how do you cope if the decision is not to try again? I have spent 18 months on this journey, so it is a huge adjustment to think we will give up now.

Sorry for your loss.

I honestly don't know the answer. Someone said to me that you keep trying whilst hope outweighs fear, and only stop when the balance tips the other way.

I am in a slightly different position to you, although similar age. I'm 43 and had a mmc at 8 weeks at Christmas, swiftly followed by another pregnancy 6 weeks later, which appeared to be progressing normally until my dating scan when anomalies were seen resulting in an mmc and surgery at 14 weeks, and eventual diagnosis of Patau Syndrome.

I only have one dd (who I had at 40), but I am trying to come to terms with not having a sibling for her.

I am a mess, and really not in a good place to conceive again, but I've just bought some ovulation tests so my heart is overruling my head a bit. One more loss though and we will stop I think. I've been pregnant five times and have one beautiful daughter to show for it, bit sometimes we just don't get everything we want in life.

Roll on the menopause, I think that is the only time I will finally accept that there will be no more babies.

Very sorry for your loss op. I'm in a slightly similar situation, 2 dc and trying for dc3 but I've had 2 miscarriages in a row this year (currently going through the second one). I know my dh wants to carry on trying but I've started having a lot of doubts over whether the risks are worth it as I'm actually very content with the two lovelies we have.

I'm taking the summer off and we will think again in the autumn. It's very early days, take some time for yourself before you decide anything, 41 is not too old, you do need to take a breather x

AncientOva - thank you for your reply and sorry for your loss. What you say about the hope vs fear thing strikes a cord. That is what makes me think I am silly to even consider trying again as I am blessed with a large family already so the risks outweigh the benefits, even though I truly yearned for that child. I wish you lots of luck in making your decision, and lots of baby dust if you do decide to go for a sibling for your little on.

isambardo - sorry you are going through this at the moment too. It is heartbreaking, even if you are already lucky enough to have children. I hope you also manage to come to a decision you can make peace with.

I've just miscarried and one thing that really upsets me is that the innocence of pregnancy is now lost. Well try again but I know we'll never (or really struggle to) get that wonderful feeling back.

What has stuck with me is another MNer poster in a similar situation said that they really regret worrying through a post miscarriage pregnancy.

Give it a little time and reconsider

Just to give you hope op I had ds at 43 after a trouble free pregnancy. . I have ttc again at 45 and had 3 chemicals and a mc so have given up now.

But ds was a bonus baby I am so grateful for.

Good luck on your journey.

JamesSpaderMadeMeDoIt - sorry for your loss. Yes, exactly, the innocence is gone now. I did actually spend a long time weighing up whether to TTC this one and decided that I could get past my fears, but now the worst has happened, I am not sure I am brave enough to try again. It's hard, isn't it?

Justhadmyhaircut - thank you for the words of encouragement. It does give me hope, I just don't know if I dare risk it. If only someone could give me a crystal ball and tell me it would be okay, then I wouldn't hesitate. I have no doubts that I want this baby, I am just too afraid to try for it. I'm very sorry for your losses since your DS.