How do i get through this

[TomCruiselover]

Hello I'm looking for some help - i had a miscarriage last week i was about five and half weeks and i got pregnant through ivf. September last year my daughter was stillborn at 33 weeks, again an ivf pregnancy. Inbetween my two losses i've had a failed cycle of ivf.

I don't know what to do with myself, i sit at home crying everyday and just so unhappy. My heart breaks that i will never get to be a mum and i feel like i'm being punished. I'm so bitter and angry at the world, i can't stand seeing pregnant women and babies. My sister is due anyday and i can't bring myself to see her, i don't know if i will be able to visit when the baby is here and i hate myself for feeling like this.

I'm so stressed and anxious that i'm worried that i'm doing harm to my body, i keep thinking that i won't get my period and that will delay our next round of ivf. Or worse that it will fail or i will lose another baby.

What do I do and how can i get positive again. I need to lose weight and start healthy eating but i can't be bothered and i drink a bottle of wine most nights, i have a lot of pain in my shoulder but i know its because i'm so tense and stressed.

Pain in your shoulder needs checking out, if you are trying to conceive all the stress will not be helping, neither will abottle of wine a night, I know its hard but try and keep your chin up, it will happen.

I have an appointment for the osteopath tomorrow, i know when i'm really stressed is when my shoulder gets sore. My osteopath says i carry all my tension in my shoulders and neck. But this time it's really painful but i just can't relax, i think about things all day it goes round and round and i feel exhausted with it all.

I know i need to cut the wine out but it helps me sleep and more often i forget about things too.

I am so, so sorry for your losses and everything you have been through. I cannot imagine how it must have been to lose your daughter.

It is still very early days following your recent miscarriage. I'm not surprised you're feeling awful. With time things will get a little easier.

Do you have anyone in real life other than your partner who you can talk to? I have found support from my friends invaluable through my miscarriages.

Did you have any counselling/formal support after losing your daughter that you could access again?

Is it worth thinking about having a bit of a break before your next cycle of IVF? I recently went back on the pill after my fourth miscarriage. It is not want I really want to be doing and I'd give anything to be pregnant right now, but I just needed to get off that merry go round for a while. I have to say I feel a lot more emotionally level, more like myself and feel I can think a little more clearly about what I want to do next. Also, it helps to not spend every month wondering/hoping/being disappointed.

Thanks for your message keeponrunning85. I am very sorry for your losses, how are you doing?

I have my husband and family but other than my husband they just don't understand. I went to a counsellor after my daughter died and it did help getting everything off my chest and having a good cry but i also felt that i wasn't moving forward, maybe i need to see a different counsellor.

I don't think i can wait, i have this overwhelming feeling to be pregnant again. I feel so lost and the only way me and my husband can be truly happy is to bring home a healthy baby. I know i need to get myself sorted first but it's all i can think about. We have a couple of weeks before we see our consultant and then hopefully we'll get a date to start. But in the meantime i need to get that hope back again and get my head in a better place.

Tomcruise, what you have been through is horrendous, you have my total sympathy. I have experienced (multiple) pregnancy loss too, and I know what it's like to feel that nobody really understands. It can feel so lonely. I lost a baby two months ago and was due at the same time as my sister. This weekend is the first time I will be seeing her, I just couldn't face it before that, and I know I will feel sad seeing her bump. I understand that overwhelming need to be pregnant. I do think that time is just about the only thing that really helps but in terms of your next IVF cycle, do you think you could manage to hold off for even a month or two, just to give your body a rest, make sure you're in top form? I guess your consultant will give you good advice. Good luck and try not to lose faith, although I know how hard that can feel.

Thanks for your message dameednatheaverage - I'm sorry for your losses, i hope your doing ok.

It is very lonely people just don't get it and think i should be 'ok' now, they don't understand why i don't want to leave the house or can't stop crying. I'm glad i came on here, i feel better talking about it.

Once you have seen your sister you feel a bit better it's the build up i found was the worse. I was the same didn't want to see my sister, lucky for me she never got a bump until she was quite far along so most of the time you wouldn't of known that she is pregnant and more so because she never talked about it in front of me.

A month i can manage to wait, i know it doesn't sound long but to me it feels like a lifetime, i just want to be doing something and getting that one step closer in having a baby.

Good luck to you too, i hope you take home your baby soon.

I am so very sorry for your losses. You have been through so much. Have you sought medical help to help you with your thoughts?

I can understand the bitterness, when I first started thinking about TTC maybe 10 yrs ago now, I would find myself staring at any pregnant woman and often hating myself. As the years have passed the feelings have lifted and I have become comfortable with my own path.

I recently had a mmc, my first pregnancy, at 10 weeks in February. I could have fallen into a very deep pit, but I chose not to. I have bad days but overall, I'm keeping above water. Happiness is a choice and it's possible if you allow yourself to let go of the guilt and remind yourself that this won't help you to achieve your goal. With every negative thought you step backwards, so you need to push those aside and aim to look forwards with positive thoughts. I believe therapy may help you with getting there.

This is a dark cloud hunny, it will pass and the sun will shine again and you will look back, remember the dark clouds, but not let them rule your emotions. You are stronger than you think. Xxx

Hi MouseLove, i am very sorry about your loss life is so cruel. I hope you get your baby soon.

I have a lot of guilt, i blame myself for my daughter's death. The hospital didn't find anything wrong with either of us so it must of been something i done. I need to address this as i think this is what is holding me back and going back to counselling is probably a good start.

Thanks for your message and your right happiness is a choice and i should be putting negative thoughts behind me. I have to look forward if not for me but for my husband.

No, you need to do it for you. You are worth happiness. And you need to let go of this guilt. It's eating you up. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason as horrible and cruel as that sounds. You are so unbelievably strong, and yet you doubt yourself. Many women could not experience what you have and still reach out for help. I think there's light for you and sunshine soon. Xxx

Thanks MouseLove I appreciate your help, you've made me feel much better.

I'm looking into seeing another counsellor today, the guilt is something I need to get past before I can move on.

We both deserve happiness, I really hope it will be our turn soon.

Tomcruise and Mouselove, you both deserve all the happiness in the world.

Tomcruise, do try counselling again, I understand the guilt I think, because you are desperately trying to find a reason. But none of this is your fault in any shape or form. Life is unspeakably cruel sometimes.

Sending you strength and every best wish.

Thank you for your support dameednatheaverage, I feel much better speaking to others who understand.

We all deserve happiness, I have everything crossed for all of us that we will have our babies.

I'm still hating the world but haven't cried today and my head doesn't hurt as much, i haven't been overthinking things again.

We can do this, hugs to all.

It sounds like you are starting to look at things a little differently. I like to give myself a morning smile in the mirror, just as a reminder that despite the bad, I still have a lot to be thankful for. 😁

Have a wonderful smile filled weekend, xxx

And thank you for your kind words too, tom & dame. X

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I also had a stillborn daughter followed by multiple miscarriages and failed IVF and to me your sorrow, anger, bitterness and self blame sound like completely normal (if unbearable) responses to what you have been through. I found it helpful to take the pressure off myself to feel positive and to just let myself whatever awful feelings I was having rather than fighting them.

I'm sure you know this but it won't have been anything you did that caused you to lose your baby at 33 weeks. It's so hard to accept when they can't find a cause for what's happened.

I just wanted to write and say you're not alone, and it's a horrible way to feel, and the best thing you can do is to try to go easy on yourself.

I'm so, so sorry to hear of your losses. I'm currently going through a failed pregnancy and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
I do think you are stronger than you realise. You're carrying on and reaching out for advice and support, here and with a counsellor. They are positive moves. Please, please remember you are grieving, and that mean drs sobbing, anger, bitterness, questions, blame. It's part of the process and you mustn't feel guilty or like yoyr failing to be strong. It's tough but your hormones are a cocktail and you need to work through this grief. Try to limit the wine my love, it might take the pain away fir a few hours but its a depressant, it will add to it for the rest of the time to are awake and it will stop you getting quality sleep.

Hi BipBippadotta, thank you for your message. I'm very sorry about your loses, what's your daughter's name? How are you doing?

In real life i feel very alone but on here i don't, i'm so thankful to everyone for coming forward and helping me through this.

The days are getting slightly easier, i wouldn't say i'm feeling positive yet but i'm getting there. I just want to start the next round of treatment now, i feel like i need to be doing something.

Your right though i need to go easy on myself, i pressurising myself too much to feel better.

Thanks for your message LeannieRVN, I'm very sorry for your loss. Have you lots of support? Have the hospital been helpful to you. I hope your ok.

I've cut back drinking wine, it wasn't making me feel good the next day and i was so tired with lack of sleep. I'm trying to be healthy too but i have no willpower at the moment.

The bitterness is getting stronger by the day, i hope i dont feel like this forever. I need to get past that along with the guilt to move forward but with the help of the counsellor hopefully i will.

Take care of yourself.

Hi, TomCruise - we didn't name our daughter in the end. We hadn't been able to come up with a name during my pregnancy and then when she died it was too horrible to try to come up with one just for the paperwork. She died nearly 3 years ago. After 3 more miscarriages I had a healthy baby boy in April. I am doing ok now but those years of unsuccessful ttc and then loss after loss were absolutely brutal, and I do feel very changed by them. I know it's not always helpful to hear from women who've gone on to have babies after loss (I always had very mixed feelings about it, particularly when I was contemplating giving up ttc about a year ago). But my memories of that horrible post-loss grief are so vivid I wanted to reach out.