Can I keep my baby's ashes?

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

I'm about to have my baby, 14 weeks gestation.

I wanted to take him home, and bury him ourselves. We are told this isn't possible and I understand why, it makes sense.

But I wondered if I could have his ashes instead.
I read somewhere you can have them inside a bear or something similar.

Is that possible?

I also don't want my baby cremeted without other babies. I want my baby's ashes and no one else's.
My dad (an undertaker) says they gather the little babies together and do a mass burial so all the parents can attend the same place.

I don't want that either. I want my baby and just my baby.

Is it possible?

Hi
This is my first ever post so please excuse any mistakes. I am so sorry for you loss. Four weeks ago I had a 14 week scan and discovered my baby died sometime after 13 weeks. I had medical management. The hospital offered me 3 options. I take the baby home and arrange burial but would have to arrange permission from the council to bury them in my garden, they would arrange a group cremation as you describe, or I could arrange a private cremation. I chatted to the nurse and she put me in touch with the bereavement midwife who has arranged an individual cremation for me for a nominal cost. The cremation was last week and she will return the ashes to me the week after next. She has been brilliant and the hospitalhave been very supportive. I couldn't bury in my garden for practical reasons but my friend who had a very similar experience did. If you want to pm me please do. My thoughts are with you at this difficult and painful time

With our first we had a private cremation, then took the ashes to the family plot.

I really appreciate your replies thank you.

user would you mind talking through the process you experienced? Don't worry if it's too painful for you though.

I think I will do what you did. I need to speak to them again really.

They gave me 4 pessaries at 1pm and apart from very mild pains, nothing else is happening.

Apparently I won't get more pressaries for 24 hours.

Tippy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my baby when she was a week old, and had to think about the things you are thinking about. It's very very hard. We were lucky enough to have amazing undertakers, which helped a lot. As far as I know, yes, you can bury your little one on private land, but you must consider what would happen if you want to move.
We were able to take our little girl to the crem ourselves, and in the end chose to put her ashes in a river that flows past our house, but yes you can keep the ashes. With a very small baby there is the problem of whether there will be ashes, so you would need to ask. It is also possible to do other things, (our undertaker told us) like have a fire cremation at home. Not many people know this, and it wasn't for us, but is possible. Some people have a piece of jewellery made containing the ashes too.
Crematoriums (and some undertakers) often wave the fees for a tiny baby, and are just so caring in the way they are with the family too.
I'm so so sorry you are having to plan for this, and I really hope you have lots of support and love to hold you up.

I'm so sorry for your loss Tippy.

We lost our first daughter at 20 weeks. In our case the hospital arranged an individual cremation for her and we still have her ashes at home. Can't bear to scatter them, so she has her own little corner in a memory box with her little things in. You can get something called a memory teddy that the ashes go inside. I know a lot of mums and dads who've lost children who have it. They like having something to hold.

There is also a charity called cherished gowns for angel babies, they are on Facebook, that can help you with something to cremate them in, we had a little satin pouch thing that wrapped around our daughter as she was too little for clothes.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Hi Tippy
I stayed in hospital for the medical management and ended up having 6 lots of tablets (2 internal and 4 oral) and the whole process took about 16 hours. I had a few complications which I won't tell you about unless you want to know ( please do pm me and I am happy to tell you but don't wish to put you off when you are starting the process). What I would say was that I didn't find it particularly painful (I had paracetamol for pain relief and a hot water bottle) . The hospital took the baby once it was delivered and then put it in a little basket and brought it back for my husband and I to say goodbye. They were really respectful. It has been a tough time and my thoughts are with you. Everyone has said be really kind to yourself and that is the best advice I have been given really. Don't expect too much of yourself. Four weeks later and I am just starting to feel a bit more human.

I am so sorry that you have all had to go through with this. I was given the same options as user but I opted for a group cremation and the ashes to be scattered with other babies on a rose garden. I was 10 weeks. My baby fit into the palm of my hand. I don't think there would have been much ashes for me to take. 😞

I haven't been to the rose garden yet. But I may do on my due date. I would have been due in around 9 weeks. Xxx

I'm a midwife. First of all so sorry to hear of your loss.

You absolutely can have individual cremation and have the ashes returned to you, it just means you pay for the service from a local crematorium (most do this for a small fee). The hospital will offer free cremation also but that's a group cremation. You can also take the baby home and arrange a private burial if you wish, again this would be arranged privately with a local undertaker.

One thing that's important to point out is that crematoriums can never guarantee there will be any ashes remaining or there may only be a tiny amount. As the baby is so small sometimes there isn't anything left to return but they will always return what is left. I believe most of the time there is a tiny bit. You can then do what you wish with those ashes.

Ask the hospital if you can speak to someone from the bereavement team. They should be able to point you in the right direction and tell you of local undertakers that offer this service. X

Thank you.

@catchingbabies they gave me my baby to take home in a bucket. This bothered me greatly. Is this usual?

I took him straight to a funeral directors, they were far kinder. They said they would put him in a little coffin and would give me back the ashes. I assumed the coffin would be to bulk out the ashes for exactly the reasons you explained. I don't mind this.

They also waived any charges which was very kind of them.

A bucket is not the most dignified exit. I can understand why you feel like that. Although I have to say I hadn't fully thought out the pacticalities of how I was going to get Rowan to the funeral directors. I managed to catch him in a sieve bu then I had to put him in an old plastic chinese takeaway tub. To make it less horrible for him (and anyone who looked at it) we wrapped it in a length of the navy satin we had had as table runners for our wedding and tied it up with some tartan ribbon from my hen do and put a flower in the bow and an LED tealight on the top. That made it feel a lot less like I had dumped him in something. The hospital really should have small plastic decorative tubs if nothing else.

Our council here pays local funeral directors to do everything for stillborn or miscarried babies. It is very compassionate. I am glad they are doing that for you. They said most parents don't go the the service at the crematorium, but we decided we would as I didn't want him to take any steps on his journey without it being acknowledged. They were also quite picky about the crematorium and didn't use our local one, but one in the next town as their process is slightly different and gives a better chance at getting ashes back. It was very odd sitting there just the two of us and watching the tiny coffin being carried in and down but I was so grateful for the dignity and compassion the funeral directors showed.

So sorry for your loss

No a bucket isn't usual. It should have been a lidded box at the bare minimum. Some hospitals have nicely decorated boxes others don't but I've never heard of a bucket. Do you mean a standard bucket with handle and no lid? That's not really appropriate if so and I can see why that bothered you. I'm glad the funeral directors have been so helpful. RIP to your little one x