My miscarriage story - why is life so cruel.
I got my BFP (big fat positive) on April 28th 2017. I couldn't believe it when I saw the second line on my pregnancy stick - although a bit of a shock, I was very happy.
My pregnancy wasn't planned, myself and my then partner has recently separated but nevertheless I never for one second not wanted to bring my baby into the world, whether it was alone or not.
My ex partner was not so happy, he immediately told me to have an abortion and if I didn't, he would have nothing to do with the baby.
I decided that if that how he felt then I would bring my baby up alone. I never for one second thought about aborting my baby.
I got a few light symptoms, my breasts hurt, I got really bloated and I craved ice cream.
I didn't get any morning sickness or anything but I didn't find this unusual as I had zero symptoms with my DS.
Wednesday 14th June, I had some shooting pains through my back, they made me stop and catch my breath. I didn't think this was a sign that my miscarriage was starting, I just thought it was a sciatic nerve or something.
Thursday 15th I woke up with a back ache, again I didn't think this was any sign of miscarriage, as far as I was aware I was having a healthy pregnancy. It got worse that evening so I went for a walk, that didn't help.
Friday 16th I woke up okay, I went to work and done my usual morning jobs. Around 10.15am I went to the toilet and noticed pink/red blood when I wiped.
I panicked. I ran back to my desk and googled bleeding while pregnant. Obviously I thought the worst and started panicking. I went I the toilet again, more blood. I rang the midwife who said she would call the Early pregnancy unit who would be in touch.
At 215pm they called, I by this point I had back ache and pelvic aching. They told me to go in Monday for a scan.
I decided to go to A&E, they took my bloods and told me they were 3000, hit or miss, They couldn't tell if my baby was in my uterus or not until they scanned me Monday. I knew that 3000 was very low for a 10 week old foetus. (There is nobody there to scan at weekends)
I went home worried sick but by this time there was only a slight brown tinge when I wiped.
I had the most awful, vivid dream that I gave birth to my baby boy in the toilet of an airport, I caught him in my hand, his heart wasn't beating. He looked just like his daddy.
Saturday 17th I woke up and nothing other than a slight brown tinge when I wiped although I had a lot of pelvic aching. I went to work, as the day progressed there was no blood at all. I thought all was good.
10pm though, bright red blood came when I wiped.
I couldn't sleep, dreading what I'd wake up to. After all the stories I had read about miscarriages.
I also had a break out of spots of my face. I now know this was due to the hormone change.
I had another dream that night, that I went to the hospital for my scan and my baby was alive and well, it was a baby girl this time. If only that dream came true.
Sunday 18th I woke, there was a tiny bit of brown when I wiped, that was all.
4pm I had a bath, got out and went to the toilet, bam, bright red blood again. This lasted all night and slowly started coming out on its own, not just when I wiped. It was now I realised it was all over.
I prayed and I payed and I prayed to god that my baby would be okay. I was even down on my knees praying.
I think I cried for 13 hours out of the 14 that I have been awake today.
I went to bed this night absolutely petrified.
Monday 19th I woke up to red blood,
Not lots & lots still, but it was there constantly. By this point I knew it was all over.
I had my appointment at the early pregnancy unit at 1040. My mum picked me up and I burst into tears.
I was sat in a small waiting room with 3 other mums. All excited to have there scans. I couldn't hold back the tears, I couldn't sit it that room any longer.
First a nurse saw me. I couldn't speak, I was crying too much. I eventually told her the bleeding had got worse. I could see by the look on her face that she didn't think my baby stood a chance.
I was then sat back in a room on my own as I refused to go back to the waiting room with the other mums taking about their babies.
I then got called by the sonographer, she scanned my belly but she couldn't find anything so she asked me if I minded having an internal scan. They popped a camera inside me and looked about for a while.
They could see the sac that my baby was supposed to grow in but the baby wasn't there.
They confirmed my baby had died. It must have been a blithered ovum, where the baby didn't grow but the sack did. Hence why I'd had positive pregnancy tests and a few symptoms.
Although I know deep down she had died, (I was sure I was having a girl) it was an awful shock hearing those words - I can see the sac but I cannot see a baby.
She explained a little further and then asked me if I wanted to have a look. I did, my baby had gone. There was just a dark spot in the centre.
I got dressed and left the room and waited for the nurse once again, she explained a few more things and sent me for more
Blood tests. The tests came back at 2000 this time so the baby was definitely making its way out.
I have never ever felt so much pain in my life, loosing a child Is something you cannot explain unless you have been through it yourself.
For 10 weeks I had been attached to my baby, I even had a name for her. I was so excited to be a mummy again. That all got taken away from me just like that.
What made all of this worse on top of losing my baby who I had grown to love was that I had no partner to share the grief with. I told my mum and I told my best friend how I was feeling but it wasn't the same, it wasn't the same as grieving with the other half of the person you made this life with.
I'm pretty sure my babies father is happy that I've miscarried. He didn't want our baby in the first place.
To think I ever loved that man.
He wasn't the person I thought he was.
He didn't even reply to the message I sent to him to tell him our baby had died.
At present I don't know how I am going to get over this. I cry, I cry all the time. Why me?
I was so angry, angry with the stress that the babies dad brought me, I blamed him for all of this but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
I named my baby Millie, I hadn't liked that name before but the moment I suspected she was a girl, that's what I had named her.
I brought a beautiful rose plant called 'Millie Rose' for the garden.
I loved that baby for every minute I was carrying her and I will love her for the rest of my life.
RIP my baby.
No matter what, mummy always loves you.