Ways to support my friend?

[whatsfair]

I hope this is the right place.

I don't know how much info to give, but i really need help to support one of my friends who is losing her baby. Abnormalities were found at 20 wk scan which mean baby won't survive after birth. I'm absolutely gutted for her.

She seems to be holding up, although she is going to be induced and go through labour soon. Shes a strong woman, has a lovely husband and family and friends who care, but its just so awful, i want to do something to help.

Shes quite private and not the sort of person i could just descend on and do things for (she doesn't really need that sort of practical help). I've told her i can come at the drop of a hat, am at the end of a phone whenever etc... but i have a feeling she will just get on with it and deal with it on her own (which is fine of course). But if anyone here has experienced this and knows something that would have helped them at the time, i'd really appreciate you sharing.

Normally i would just back off and let a friend come to me if they wanted to talk or needed support, but i just worry that she will try and be brave needlessly. How can i show i'm here for her without crowding/causing her extra stuff to think about? I thought about sending a care package as shes prob going to be off work for a bit, but flowers seem funereal and chocs/magazines seem glib and insensitive like shes had an appendix out not lost a baby. Advice appreciated please.

This same horrific loss happened to a friend of mine recently and I worried about the same things - she also had a great support network around her but I wanted to help.

I just messaged her and said exactly that - I know you have lots of support, but I really want to be there for you and if at some point you want to meet for a chat to let me know. That's exactly what she did, a little while after and we have met a few times since, and I think (and hope) it has just helped her having a friend to talk to and listen.

Having had a m/c myself, the main things I tried to do or not to do were to refrain from giving advice, because it's not really what it's about despite my experiences and also I just tried to listen more than anything. There are still some things I haven't really probed about because I worry about how to say it or if it's not my place.

I got her a nice plant that will flower each year, because as you said the other things seemed too glib or something. I didn't get her anything immediately as it just didn't seem appropriate, only when we met up. She's such a strong woman, I don't know if I could deal with it if I were her, but she's managed everything so well.

Did she tell you about losing the baby herself? If so, I would of thought it very likely that she might appreciate your support, as it's a very sensitive subject to tell someone about.

Hope this helps, even if a little bit x

This happened to me in April. It's so comforting knowing people around you want to help you. Does she have a partner? I would probably just give them some time to get their heads round it, maybe send a text to say you are there if she needs you. Friends were trying to ring me to talk but I was so upset I couldn't answer the phone, but it was nice to know they were there x

You sound like a lovely friend to have btw x