Trying again after losing a baby

[steph0488]

I lost my little girl at 41 weeks in February. I had a perfect pregnancy with her and sadly she died after 19.5 hours of labour, we had an emcs but it was too late to save her. It's been just over 12 weeks from our loss and we still haven't had any answers about what happened to her - although we think it may be a mix of hospital negligence and infection we won't know for sure until we get her post Mortem results back. These 12 weeks have been INCREDIBLY difficult and to be honest I don't know how we even got this far. One thing it has made me realise through is how much we would love to have a brother or sister for her in the future, not to replace her but just to add to our family, She was our first baby and I've never felt love like it before.
I would love to try right away but I'm worried about her post Mortem results incase it's something unexpected or genetic which would cause us to lose another baby - I couldn't cope with this pain again and I'm also worried about my csection scar and healing. My doctor has said that we can try now as he recommends 12 months between surgeries and that would mean trying after 12 weeks/3 months is ok..but I've heard others be recombined to wait 6, 12 or even 18 months after a csection. I think most risks are if someone attempts a vbac after a section which isn't a concern for me because I would never ever consider a natural birth after my labour with my little girl.
I'm worried though that the longer I wait the more scared I am going to get and it might put me off trying altogether. I'm also worried if I wait too long I might have difficulty conceiving and would have wished I tried sooner.
I don't know what to do, I know I want to wait for the post Mortem results incase there is any medical interventions that could help prevent something happening to my next baby but I'm finding the wait so hard, im also terrified of what the results will be incase it's something that means we can't try again.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation - I'm finding it very hard at the minute

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you have been through, or are going through. All my losses have been early so I have no advice but I didn't want to read and run. I hope there will be someone along soon who can help.

Do you know when you will get the results of the post-mortem? Were you given support through the hospital or any charities? SANDS is the one that springs to mind which I have read about people accessing.

Hi
We were originally told 6 weeks for the post Mortem results then had a call to say it might be 4-5 months. So hard not knowing for sure why she passed away, she was perfect in every way.
We haven't had much support from the hospital - they are investigating serval lapses of care during my labour at the minute so I find it difficult to contact them. We have had great support from SANDS though and I'm hoping to start counselling this week.. although I've had to organise this myself as the NHS has no funding for counselling in these circumstances according to my gp.
Thankyou so much for replying, I'm so sorry your have experienced losses too.. life can be very unfair sometimes xx

Steph I am so so sorry about your little girl. I just want you to know that I read your post and my heart broke for you.

My friend lost her son and had a c section at the end of dec 15, she wanted to try again asap and she was pregnant by may 16 and has a beautiful girl now.

My mum lost my older brother during birth and took her 2 years to fall pregnant again as she wasn't ready.

I had an emergency c section with my son and I fell pregnant again less than 1 year but sadly it was a mmc. I am not ready to try again yet.

I guess what am trying to say is that you do what you think is right for you and help you to cope with such a huge loss. I will be looking out for you on the boards XX

Oh Steph. I'm sorry, I don't have anything useful to add at all, I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. I'm sorry the hospital were not there during your labour and now. And I cannot believe there is no funding for counselling after such a life altering event. Sending you so much love.

Steph I am so, so sorry about your baby girl. I lost my first baby at 40 weeks and it is a horrible, life changing event. My daughter would have been 25 in February. We had a Post Mortem done and nothing really came up. My placenta was failing and the cord was round her neck and kinked but we could see that at the time of birth. I really don't remember how long the PM results took to come through, sorry.

I had a vaginal birth, so my experience will differ from yours. I was ready to try again very quickly, as you say not to replace your daughter but to have the family that you thought you would have. Emotionally I was told six months but I felt ready before then. I attended several SANDS meetings which I found very helpful and also as (bad) luck would have it I reconnected with two classmates who also lost their first baby within weeks of me so we supported each other.

There is no right or wrong in your situation, you go at the pace you feel comfortable with. In my case I was pregnant quickly and my 2nd baby was due around the 1st birthday of my first baby. I discussed this with my consultant and he agreed to induce me at 37 weeks. I think he would have induced me early anyway but that made a huge difference to me. My beautiful second daughter was born 3 weeks before her big sisters first birthday.

My son was born one week after my first daughters 2nd birthday. They both know about their big sister and we visit her resting place fairly often.

Right now I think I know what you are feeling, I had a big hole in my chest, a feeling that things will never get better and a feeling of 'failure'.

You are in the very earliest days of a traumatic time. When your body is ready and when your mind is ready you will have another baby. The new baby will never replace your first baby, it will just be another baby that you will love just like you love the baby you lost.

I hope I have not been clumsy in what I have said. I articulate this feeling better face to face. 25 years later I still have a cry for the baby I lost, I still wonder what she would have been, I still hate the day she died but time does heal and having more children was the best thing for me.
Steph, you have my deepest sympathies and I hope you can see forward during this sad time

I am so sorry for your loss.