Having a bad day (again)

[Cocoabean25]

Hi all,

Just want to rant really. Don't know if it's because I'm feeling tired or what but feeling quite tearful today. I know people will say 4 months since a miscarriage isn't that long but I think feeling quite lonely is making me feel worse. It seems like everyone else is just carrying on as normal and forgotten about what happened to my baby. It probably shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks but it would be nice for people to still acknowledge that I'm still suffering and talking about babies and pregnancies in front of me is upsetting. Should probably open up more about how I'm feeling but I'm sure people would think I should have moved on by now :( xx

Hi cocoabean. If it helps, I don't think you should have moved on. I don't have experience of miscarriage really but I do have experience of (multiple) pregnancy loss and I think I understand the pain and anguish. It is a horribly lonely place to be, despite the fact that when you come on these boards you know that so many women have been in the same place. I think it's really difficult to open up about how you are feeling. For me, some days I feel OK (sad, but OK) and I find it easier to talk to people on those days. And so then they think I'm always OK! And it's difficult to explain that I'm not. I don't think this helps much but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Cocobean you will get over it, I promise. My son was born at 20 weeks, lived for 3 minutes and then died, we had to get him an official birth and death certificate by law, and hold a funeral for him. Then I had a mmc at 9 weeks. Both pregnancies cost us a lot of money because they were IVF.

Can you seek some counselling? It will help. Actually just talking in general helps!

I'm so sorry cocoabean. No one who has experienced this loss would expect you to have 'moved on' just a few months after. I believe it will be life altering for me. Currently 6 weeks out. It's definitely ok to have a tearful day (I sobbed a lot last night). But if you can talk to someone (partner, close friend, counsellor, miscarriage association?) it might help you to feel less alone. I think people don't mention these things because they don't want to upset you, without realising you're upset regardless.

Sending virtual hugs. It's so tough.

So sorry you're having a bad day cocoa. Please don't feel you should be over it by now. In my experience you can go several weeks feeling not too bad and then out of the blue just have a day when you feel terrible, and that is totally justified.

I would encourage you to open up to your friends and family. That's the approach I have taken and it has helped me, although I have to say it doesn't stop me feel terribly lonely at times. Everyone else's life is moving on and I feel like mine is stuck and I'm on a merry go round of TTC and recurrent miscarriage.

And there's always us ladies here who understand exactly what it feels like.

Thank you for all your lovely replies. I find it so hard to open up to people so tend to bottle it all up. I have become too skilled at putting on a brace face in the past few months. I like talking on here because I know people will understand but I worry far too much about what people will think to really open up in real life! I will try to be more open with friends and family. I do think people just don't know what to say and so don't say anything. Some days are just much harder than others. Also need to have another scan next week because I'm still getting quite bad pain since the miscarriage and they want to check what is wrong. The constant reminder with the pain is upsetting too and I'm dreading seeing my womb without my baby, if that makes sense xx

Can you ask them to not show you the screen? When my mmc was confirmed by the EPU (having been sent there from the regular scanning set up) she didn't show me the screen at all.

It is really hard to know what to say, or find a 'good' time to talk about it. If you find it easier, maybe a text/email to a close friend? People often don't know what is the right thing to say, and sometimes say outright stupid things.

I hope the pain eases for you soon.

hi coco, so sorry for your loss.

i am no stranger to these feelings, had mmc, stillbirth and second trimester mmc so i am around to chat if it helps?

i am a couple of months on from my second trimester mmc but still feel like shit. back at work and cant concentrate. feel like the world owes me something.

i love talking about it too in a weird way.

Yes I will ask them not to show me the screen, that's a good idea. I'm hoping they will be understanding when I undoubtedly become upset. My 2 best friends say they're always there to talk so will try sending a text. So sorry for all your losses too. Wish none of us have to go through this. Gingerbread I completely know what you mean about wanting to talk about it. Absolutely love talking about my baby to anyone who will listen. It's nice to talk to people who are understanding and willing to listen. I've been less open recently and think it's made things worse xx

There is no right time to get over it. You're grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss

Definitely good advice not to see the screen. That's stayed with me- had a private scan so it was on a massive screen in front of me...my stomach drops just thinking about it.

I sometimes get angry with the thought that people expect me to be over it or if someone tells me to "cheer up" I know it's awful I sound like a horrible person but sometimes I'm ok and other times I'm not and I just need to be down for a bit! The main thing is you should talk about it whenever suits you and whatever you feel is normal!

It's an awful time but all clouds pass