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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Did your husband care?

14 replies

MissBel12 · 14/04/2017 20:35

Last week, at exactly 6 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage. My husband was there with me in the hospital and he was great for a few days after, but then he seemed to not just 'get back to normal' but actually be in great form! I hear him on the phone to his friends chatting, laughing, joking (he didn't tell any of them)... and it doesn't seem like he's being 'brave' or 'strong' it just seems like it hasn't affected him at all.

It was just over a week ago, and I just thought he would feel something but when I hear him sounding so happy and normal it makes me really angry. When I eventually snapped and said it to him, he said "I can't be sad all the time", and I said "but you're not sad any of the time?!!". I know I shouldn't be taking it out on him, but I just think he could tone down the cheerfulness a bit. Anyway, just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience with their partners, particularly with an early miscarriage, when I know it doesn't seem very real to them yet.

OP posts:

user1483387154 · 14/04/2017 20:38

Yes, my H really didnt understand why it affected me so much, to him it wasnt a baby yet. We miscarried at under a month

DoubleCarrick · 14/04/2017 20:40

My dh really struggled when we lost our first at 12 weeks. He was devastated and basically went into depression for a month or so and completely isolated himself from me. His reaction was understandable but not helpful

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 14/04/2017 20:42

DH was very solicitous when I had my mcs. The first one he was devastated and struggled to recover. The subsequent ones he didn't seem to be as worried, however I found out later that he had internalised it all so as to not show our DS and DSS how upset he was (DS was only a baby the first time). It all came out when he was poorly with depression and he had counselling. We agreed to always use contraception as although I have difficulty conceiving, it's carrying a baby to term that is really the problem.

I'm so sorry that you have lost your baby

emvy · 14/04/2017 20:54

So sorry OP. My partner was very much the same. It seemed like he was very much over it within about a week and was full of positives and cheerfulness about the future when I had wobbly moments around him. Which is obviously great but sometimes you just want a hug and an, "I know it sucks." I guess just everyone deals with it differently and after I explained to him the response I wanted, he stopped trying to shove positives down my throat and was more supportive. I'm hoping he's dealt with it in his own way.

Original poster

MissBel12 · 14/04/2017 21:05

Thanks everyone and sorry to hear that 2 of your partners suffered from depression afterwards. I would never want that either of course, just a little bit of feeling would be nice. Anyway he's in a huff with me now for saying that he's not sad and is off playing his video games in the other room. Sometimes I wonder how men and women can be so different

OP posts:

PossibiliTea · 14/04/2017 21:06

I'm with you and I'm sorry you have to go through this! My boyfriend just worked everyday, albeit from home but I didn't see him at all and like you said, he was on Skype to his colleagues as normal, getting back to stuff as normal. i don't think he meant to but it actually made me feel bad not being in work!

I had angry moments and still do, I'm still physically recovering and feel that he just doesn't get it. It is frustrating I think he has tried but nothing compares to what we feel.

PossibiliTea · 14/04/2017 21:10

I wouldn't wish depression on anyone and it's awful that your partners have experienced that as it is a massive loss. I've found myself apologising for feeling sad and for the fact I'm not physically better or able to get on with stuff as normal then getting angry for being sorry and I'm still all over the place!

I suppose everyone has different ways of dealing with things, but OP, you are not alone! X

Original poster

MissBel12 · 14/04/2017 21:15

Thanks possibiltea and sorry you are going through this too. I know what you mean about apologising for being sad- I feel like I should just get over it. I hope you feel better soon xx

OP posts:

MadisonAvenue · 14/04/2017 21:16

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and I'll always remember being in the car two days after a scan had confirmed it and him looking at me, smiling and saying "Are you feeling happy?" I just burst into tears.

He seemed more concerned when I was pregnant the next time though and had a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks.

emvy · 14/04/2017 21:16

Please don't feel sorry for feeling the way you do PossibiliTea, every feeling is okay. Allow yourself all the time you need.

PossibiliTea · 14/04/2017 21:29

I don't know what I'd do without mumsnet sometimes lol thank you all x

PossibiliTea · 14/04/2017 21:32

Sorry it's not even my thread! But appreciate what everyone has said. OP I do hope you are getting looked after and make sure you take care of yourself

Original poster

MissBel12 · 14/04/2017 21:37

That's ok, it's all of our threads . My parents have been great thanks

OP posts:

tinypop4 · 15/04/2017 06:23

I miscarried a baby that took a long time to conceive at 8 weeks pregnant. Dh was disappointed but very practical in a 'these things happen for a reason' kind of way. He also said we have one dd and we were lucky. All true- but for me, hormonal and upset and having to visit the epu it all felt much worse. I reasoned that it wasn't physically happening to him and practical-ness is just his way of coping. I fell pregnant soon after (successfully this time) and he was much more anxious until the scan though. Don't worry op, everyone copes with this kind of thing differently and he will be caring in his way.

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