Still struggling with loss

[Gingerbreadmam]

Hi, some of you may have seen me around these parts over the years.

I had an mmc in 2014 at 9 weeks, a stillbirth in 2015 at 27 weeks and most recently an mmc in March at 14 weeks (had already had 3 good scans including dating scan).

I'm not coping well but in a different way to i expected and even that is frightening me a little.

How do you cope? Some days i feel normal but even on those days it goes through my head x amount of times a day whether i will ever have a child.

Worrying about testing etc seems to be a distraction from the actual loss and i feel like i haven't processed that at all. I'm feeling so sad today.

We had a break last night in a seaside down and as you can imagine it is full of families enjoying half term. It just kills me that i might never have that. The not knowing is the worst.

I never thought i would end up in this situation it's awful.

I am signed off work at the moment, this is my 4th week off. I'm torn about returning to work. I don't know if i'm ready. I work with people that have children, i know it's crazy and i can't be away from people that have them (i don't really want to be) but i just don't know if i'm in the right head space to here other people talkimg about what there's have been up to etc. All the things i wish i could experience.

It's weird. I can be round my nieces no problem, even my beat friends newborn and they don't stir these feelings it seems to be distant people.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP.

I do understand some of what you're feeling...for us it was more a feeling of being jealous of people being that certain that they get their baby than being resentful of pregnant women and their actual baby. I don't know if that makes any sense.

We wanted our innocence back , to 'unknow' the experience of organising your tiny baby's cremation.

I'm sorry I can't actually offer words of real help but I do understand the pain and I hope your have RL support and can move forward.

so sorry for your loss user hope you are ok.

Oh gosh, i have had that. My best friend and a close work colleague were recently pregnant and seemed to take it all for granted. Both first pregnancies. Both the best outcomes thankfully but god was i jealous of how naieve they were. Buying prams at 14 weeks etc. It's horrific. Obviously i am over the moon everythin has gone smoothly just gutted i will never have that.

I don't think anyone truely understands. My first mmc was horrendous. The physical aspect was much worse than giving birth to my ds. I had a scare with my last pregnancy quite early on and people commented it would just be a heavy period. I think people just forget and think they are being helpful but even if it was just a heavy period it was my third pregnancy and i was desperate.

It's such a personal thing isn't it? And I don't think anyone ever knows what to say when a person has such losses. When I returned to work last year one of my colleagues just said "So , how are you? Tell me everything" , she then just listened to me for ten minutes. It was so much better than any other reaction I saw!

People are just doing their best though and they sometimes get it wrong.

Have you done relevant things to remember your DCs? I'm sure you've already though of these things but we have a personalised Christmas decoration and a memory box at home. Small things but they help us remember the short time we had our tiny daughter in our lives.

I haven't for this one for the simple reason it feels disrespectful to my son who i class as a 'real baby' even though he was stillborn.

We have a memory box for him and he has a grave. I binned all the scans from this pregnancy and the first pregnancy never got passed 5 weeks so i had nothing to show for that one anyway.

I don't really want to mark all the losses as they just make me sad. As i say my son was different i saw him have photos of him and his footprints etc.

Yes when i returned to work after my son no1 said anything really and i found it so tough lile he was some secret. I am dreading the same treatment this time. The thing is,i need to talk about it, i need people to know what happened and the difficult path that lies ahead of us.

I bet you were so glad of that colleague. I hope, if you ttc again, that you have / had a successful pregnancy

Thank you , and I wish you well too.

Also , you have every right to feel the way you do. Losing babies is shit , unfair and extremely cruel. Give yourself a break though , you are coping because you're still here and you're talking about your losses.

Look after yourself

thank you. really appreciate it.

i feel like work will really be judging me for needing so long off but i gueas if u have not been thru it u have no idea what things go on psychologically.

4 weeks is no time at all when you've been through so much in recent years. If they want to judge then let them , because you've done nothing wrong.

I also find it helps to find a quiet space at work to get away from all of the baby chatter if you need to. I've only eaten lunch with colleagues one or twice since my return to work late last year and I couldn't give a toss if they think I'm antisocial! I need my space most days

i hope so. I would hate to think they thought i was taking the mick. We are a small team and altho not pally outside of work i like to think we get on well and respect each other 'most of the time

Thank you for responding, it has made me feel a little better knowing it's all normal.