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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Pregnant people everywhere

43 replies

emvy · 04/04/2017 21:11

Basically that's it. And it would have been my 12 week scan this week. Instead, I get Facebook updates from people having babies when I would've been having mine and I just have to smile and congratulate them and carry on like nothing has happened. I was so desperate this morning, 4 weeks after surgery, to get a negative result on a pregnancy test so that we can move forward and start ttc again. It hit me harder than I thought, not managing to stop myself from questioning whether I would ever see a positive result on a test again.

Wobbly moment. 95% of my day is fine. 5% is awful. When does the sadness stop?

Sorry for the super pointless thread. Just needed to vent somewhere.

OP posts:

DancingUnicorn · 05/04/2017 22:55

Do any of them know sa? It really is a horrible situation, and constant reminders make it really difficult. Some days I guess you wish you didn't have to think about it, but it's just not possible. ❤

Original poster

emvy · 06/04/2017 06:26

I can understand that SA. I'm personally feeling very exhausted from thinking about it all the time - like I need a break from the emotion. The constant reminders definitely make it so much more difficult unicorn.

OP posts:

Starshine1 · 06/04/2017 07:21

Ohh ladies, so sad that so many of us have the same feelings/ experiences. Really hope that things get brighter for us all. Some days definitely feel worse than others and the only way I know how to cope is to just keep going, but the constant reminders are the hardest. I just cancelled a catch up as two last minute pregnant friends were going and just don't feel I can cope with all of that today. ❤to you all

PossibiliTea · 07/04/2017 12:55

and positive thoughts for all of us I think!

JaneEyreFunfair · 07/04/2017 13:45

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. Two couples we know announced pregnancies within about a week of each other, both with due dates in September, when ours would have been. Plus, pregnant women just seem to be everywhere I look (damn those Transport for London Baby on Board badges for making them even easier to spot!)

You were so supportive to me when I first came on here, so I wish I could help. The only thing I can say is, you're allowed to have those feelings. If it's only 5% of the time, then use that 5% to have a good cry or vent. I find that is actually easier to move on from and feel better the rest of the time.

DancingUnicorn · 07/04/2017 13:54

I can't even have tea and booze because I 'gave them up for lent'. (I drank at a wedding at the weekend, it was necessary! But plan to not at a wedding next week, which will be annoying and make people ask annoying questions about why I'm not drinking!)

Feeling incredibly sorry for myself today. Survived yesterday at work, but just came home today. There are just so many people. I'm finding even the non pregnant people stressful to be around!

FrazzleRock · 07/04/2017 14:15

I haven't read the entire thread so far but I just wanted to say I'm with you on this.
We lost two babies last year. One at 9 weeks and the other very early on at 5 weeks. My DP won't try again (ever) which has made this so much worse than it already is. No rainbow out there for me, yet it's all I read about on babyloss forums. Babies and pregnancies are literally everywhere too. I am lucky in that I have two older children from a previous marriage but, when you've lost two babies with your soul mate, the desperation to try again is incredibly overwhelming and powerful. You can think of nothing else.

Its fucking shit.
Some days I want to disappear into thin air forever. If I was brave enough I'd have done something terrible.

Sending solidarity, hugs and

DancingUnicorn · 07/04/2017 14:59

Oh frazzle, that must be so hard. Is it just too painful for him?

FrazzleRock · 07/04/2017 15:12

no. he never wanted his own children to begin with. Our first together was a beautiful surprise which, once the shock subsided, he was over the moon about. We tried again after losing our little one and then we lost that one too.
He then remembered that he didn't want his own children and told me he didn't want to try again.

Honestly have never felt so low in my entire life. I'm taking some positive steps forward. I've started writing a blog about babyloss awareness and I've had an unbelievable amount of support through that which has lifted my spirits a lot. but I still have pretty awful times every single day and it's nearly been a year since he dropped the bombshell.
He's nearly left me several times because of how upset I am. He can't cope with being the one to cause this pain.

Ultimately I want to be with him. He is a wonderful step father to my DC and we are very much in love. But we just have this constant pain.

If it was just a baby I wanted, I could have left him and met someone else. But, even if that is what I wanted, I'm nearly 38 now and I have two children already. Plus when we discovered we were expecting our first baby, we sold our own flats and bought a house together so the children could have a room each and we could all live together. So now we have this new house (which I love) but the practicalities of separating now would be so hard.
Besides, splitting up is the last thing either of us want and I want a baby with him, no one else.
Our baby's room just lies empty, a bit like my soul really. Everytime someone calls it 'The spare room' I want to kill them.
Everytime someone announces a pregnancy or a birth I want to kill them in my mind. Everytime I see a 'Baby on Board' badge I wonder why them and not me.

You know, before all this happened. Life was pretty fucking amazing.

FrazzleRock · 07/04/2017 15:12

Sorry that was so loooong.

DancingUnicorn · 07/04/2017 15:20

Don't worry, definitely vent all you need. It sounds like such a hard situation. I wish there was something I could say to make it any easier. Life really is shit sometimes.

FrazzleRock · 07/04/2017 15:30

Thanks Unicorn. I do appreciate you listening/reading. Sadly there is absolutely nothing anyone can say. The only magic words would be from DP saying he wants to try again. It was bad enough when we lost our babies but at least I had a silver lining to look forward to by trying again. These day I genuinely struggle to remember how to be happy again. In one of my blogs I talk about finding a different kind of 'rainbow' to everyone else, but I have zero idea where to start looking for it. Sometimes I wonder if there really is one out there for me.
I swear, if one more person says they're pregnant I'm going to lose the plot entirely. At my age its rife. Like a fucking epidemic. I've hidden so many people on social media its unreal.

I've turned into a horrible bitter empty woman. Constantly jealous and constantly grieving.

I try to think how lucky I am to have my two older DC, but it never seems to ease the pain. Perhaps one day...

DancingUnicorn · 07/04/2017 15:36

Have you spoken to anybody professionally about it? I'm glad the blogging is helping.

Right now, it's still so soon for me. Only found out a week ago. Feeling pretty bitter, I should have spent this week telling all my friends my wonderful news. Instead I've spent most of the week on my sofa, not really able to do anything at all.

I can't even imagine how hard it must be knowing you can't try again. 💐

FrazzleRock · 07/04/2017 16:23

I'm so sorry Unicorn. It is the worst time a mother can ever go through to find out her child has died. We found our at a scan. A scan that was supposed to reassure me.

Yeah I have spoken to professionals. Several counsellors and CBT therapists, as well as Relate for the both of us. I have spoken to so many other parents who have lost their babies at all stages of pregnancy. I just think that not trying again when it is something you want more than anything in the world is quite a rare thing.
It is very hard to move forward from that primal desire, especially when so many people around you are experiencing that one thing you would kill for. Made worse by my children's father excitedly announcing his GF's pregnancy only days after DP dropped the bombshell on me. My DC now have a baby sister who would have been only a few months younger than our little one. I'm so angry at him. That was my joy, not his and he stole it - yes I know that is incredibly irrational. Also made worse by DP's family treating our loss like it was nothing and rallying around a family member who is about to give birth (a pampered and entitled princess). They have been incredibly insensitive, which has caused a lot of issues with my mental health.
Thankfully, my own family and friends have been wonderful and have kept me from doing anything stupid.
These days I stay away from those who trigger me ie DP's family and my ex.
But I cannot avoid them forever, sadly.

DancingUnicorn · 07/04/2017 16:42

Yes, we found out at our scan too. It's not what is supposed to happen at a dating scan. The sonographer had just been telling me that the scan usually takes a long time because baby is so busy wriggling. 💔

I'm so sorry there are people who have made things difficult for you. It's so difficult to hide your own loss and pain and grief when people around you are getting what you so desperately want. I really hope your pain will lessen in time so you are able to witness joy for others again without it causing you such pain.

Original poster

emvy · 07/04/2017 17:56

JaneEyre thank you for your response. I will definitely use that 5% to wallow. The 5% the last couple of days has been that on top of the pain of not having my 12 week scan this week, I actually got my period instead. Trying very hard to focus on that as a positive but it does feel a little like two fingers up from Mother Nature all over again!

Unicorn that sucks that you gave up booze for lent! I've definitely been making the most of not being pregnant in that respect recently. Not long to go now and you have a big old jug of wine (or whatever your tipple may be!)

Frazzle I'm so so sorry. It sounds like you're struggling through an incredibly difficult time. I have no idea how hard it must be. I hope you find your way through and you do indeed find your rainbow. Take all the help you can get and all the time you need

OP posts:

JaneEyreFunfair · 08/04/2017 19:00

Also, when I feel bitter towards pregnant people, I try to remember that (in most cases) I have no idea how long it took them, or what they went through before they were pregnant - it might have been a long hard road for them, too.

DancingUnicorn · 08/04/2017 19:36

Yes emvy. There will be prosecco at the back of church on Saturday evening I'm sure! Feel guilty, as I've totally given up with the caffeine. But I really needed tea!!! I'm planning on keeping levels of both pretty low generally tbh: tea so I can ttc without people being suspicious when I start refusing it and alcohol so I don't get too sad and get completely wasted!!

Jane you're so right, it's easy to feel bitter without considering people's circumstances. I think I feel sadness for me, and my little one. I try not to feel anything negative towards them. It's hard right now, but it will get easier.

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